Tag: living self-care

Happy New Year and Other Musings

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Thursdays with Stacey

happy-new-year-wallpapers7-2014

I’ve heard so many people say that they are glad 2013 is over. Since time is an illusion, logically, December 31 doesn’t really change much when January 1 arrives. We still experience a constant flow of present moments. However, many people use the new year as a chance to either “start over” or change something for the better. Resolutions are posted all over social media and discussed by the water cooler. For an interesting take on New Years Resolutions, read this article from Psychology Today.

This holiday season was challenging for my family and me, as there were many losses (pets, friends and a family member). I must admit that I am still in a bit of a funk – just not feeling “quite right.” I am an empath, meaning I tend to absorb feelings from people around me and even the general energy of the larger community. I am acutely aware of this, yet my not-rightness is still hanging around.

I could just be doom-and-gloom about it, but that doesn’t do me or anyone around me any good. Instead, I am trying to ground myself in the present moment as often as I can. I may generally feel “off,” but RIGHT NOW I am A-OK. I also know that “this too shall pass,” and am processing things as they come up in my journal or with my therapist. It’s hard not to feel impatient or wish that this would just go away. However, I know there are lessons to be learned in this situation, and if I don’t stay present, I may miss them. This didn’t change with the passing of 2013.

As this new year starts, I wish all of you a wonderful 2014 and encourage you to slow down, breathe, stay mindful and enjoy the small things in life that make you smile. If you’re having a hard time finding something to smile about, check out the links below. Laughter is truly great medicine and these funny sites can help you switch from yucky to joyful in a matter of minutes!

Namaste’.

Slow Down! Going Faster is Tempting Disaster

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in December Tips, Thursdays with Stacey

I just read this article on Psychology Today and loved it! I thought you might love it, too! The original article can be found HERE.

old chronometer

The other week en route to New York, my plane landed at Chicago O’Hare at the very minute my connection to Newark began boarding. I was seated in the bulkhead row just behind first class, and as soon as the door opened and the first class folks filed out, I launched myself out of the plane and sprinted full speed up the gangway.

A few long strides in, I realized something was off. I stopped and turned and sure enough, the flight attendant standing at the door of the plane was holding the high heel from my right boot up in the air and waving it at me.

Without even noticing, I had sheared it right off when I leapt out of the plane.

Beyond dismayed, I hobbled back to grab my mangled heel, and must have made quite a spectacle as I ran across the terminal in a bizarre limping run, clutching the heel in my right hand the whole way. I got to the boarding area just as the last person had boarded, and I’m amazed they let me on—there were exposed nails sticking out of the heel and there was no way I would be parted from it (in case it could be repaired; these were my very favorite shoes). Thankfully the flight attendant was so busy laughing at me that she didn’t notice.

Was it really necessary to be in SUCH a rush? Probably not. If I’d just focused on calmly yet briskly making my plane, I’d probably still have made it. Some other latecomers boarded after me, and I’d still be wearing my beloved boots, which sadly were beyond repair.

I’ve had a few conversations lately with people about this epidemic of rushing, and here are some thoughts on why and how most of us need to slow down:

  • You think you’ll get there faster but you’re tempting disaster: Whether you’re racing through your house to get out the door on time or weaving through traffic like you’re stunting a movie chase scene, you edge yourself perilously close to trouble far worse than being late. I’ve treated patients who fell down stairs and broke bones while rushing around, and if you think of times when you’ve hurt yourself, it was very possibly because you were moving too quickly and not paying attention.

The other day I was trying to get home quickly and decided to get around traffic by slipping through an alley. By the time I was halfway down it, I realized it wasn’t taking me where I needed to go. Annoyed, I decided to back up to get out. My rearview was clear but I missed seeing something just off to the left and scraped the side of my car as I backed up. I don’t even want to know how much it’s going to cost to fix the damage to my car, and it really would not have made a huge difference to my life to wait in traffic. It would have been a far lesser evil. Awful! Remind yourself to back off and calm down when you find yourself racing along the edge of safety (and even the law!). It really isn’t worth it.

  • If you focus too much on your destination you’ll be blind to where you are: A friend recently told me about a disaster that occurred on a busy weekend packed with tons of commitments. She was thinking about all she had to get done and running from task to task, in that keyed-up state you might be familiar with. Rush, rush, rush. Coming out of a store and hurrying back to her car, she stepped out from between a row of cars in the parking lot. Bam – a passing car crashed into her leg. She was so lost in her thoughts and her rushing that she didn’t see it coming, and wasn’t present enough to catch the license plate as the driver took off. She’s still having pain and trouble walking weeks later.

If you notice you’re tuning out because you’re in “hurry” mode, slow down, catch your breath, and make sure you’re aware of your surroundings. Being present not only will you feel calmer and perform better under time pressure, but it will also keep you safe.

  • You don’t want to miss the good stuff: A client that I’m coaching told me yesterday that an alarming number of people close to her are having bad things happen to them. A friend has cancer, another lost her husband, and another friend was in an accident. “Everyone seems to be falling apart around me,” she said. “It’s really woken me up, and I’m learning to slow down and be more aware of life. I need to stop racing around, and concentrate on what’s truly important.”

What could you be missing in your haste? Do you miss connecting with (or even making eye contact with) your kids or spouse in the morning as you hurry to get ready? When you’re racing to get to a destination, do you miss having a real conversation with whoever is in the car with you? When you go for your brisk morning run, are you taking time to notice [things around you]? What would be better about your life if you just slowed down? (And I haven’t even talked about the stress hormones that this constant rushing generates)

Whenever you find yourself getting worked up and starting to rush, start by reminding yourself to breathe, and back off your pace just a little. I find that repeating this to myself helps, too: “You have enough time. You’ll be just fine. Slow down, take your time.” When I calmed myself this way yesterday, I ended up being half an hour early for a speaking engagement when I’d worried much of the day that I’d end up being late.

The funny thing is that when you take your time, you seem to have more of it. Try this and watch what happens!

Dr. Susan Biali, M.D. is a medical doctor, media wellness expert, transformational life coach, professional speaker, flamenco dancer and the author of Live a Life You Love: 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You. She is available for keynote presentations, seminars, media commentary and private coaching – contact susan@susanbiali.com or visit www.susanbiali.com for more details.

Dealing with Loss During the Holidays

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in December Tips, Holiday Sanity, Thursdays with Stacey

The subject of death has popped up once again this holiday season. My husband’s aunt is very ill and is not expected to make it much longer. His grandmother passed away a few years ago in December. My good friend’s mother passed away ON Christmas Day several years ago. It seems like LOTS of people in my orbit have lost loved ones during the holidays, and it tends to put a wet blanket on this time of good cheer.

I was so curious about what seems like a trend, I looked up some statistics. According to the Centers for Disease Control, the highest death rates in the US occur in the months of December, January and March. Common sense and a bit of research tells me that suicide rates are higher during the winter months and people do tend to come down with illnesses more frequently because we are all inside together to keep warm. Because of this, bacteria and viruses spread easily (which is why it is important to wash your hands frequently). And if someone is already ill with a disease such as cancer, opportunistic infections are more easily caught because that person is exposed to more people who may be sick (and not even know it yet).

Even if your lost loved one didn’t pass away during the holidays, the season can be tough because that person is simply no longer in your life. This is especially hard if you have lost a close family member or friend who would have normally celebrated the season with you. His or her absence can seem to fill the room.

It’s human to miss those we’ve lost. However, we don’t have to let our grief ruin the joy of the present. If you’re feeling down or depressed thinking about someone you’ve lost, try some of these techniques/coping tools:

  • Vividly imagine a good moment with the person you’ve lost. Notice the sights, smells, temperature, and good feelings of that past moment. When you’re filled with those good feelings, bring your attention back to the present and bring those positive emotions with you. I’d guess that your loved one would want you to feel good this season!
  • Honor the life of your lost loved one in some way. Make an ornament in his/her honor to hang on your tree. Write a card to that person, telling him/her what positive things they brought to your life and how you continue to value those things. Light a candle in celebration of him/her. Create a shrine to his/her life and write down the wonderful things about that person. Write a message to him/her, put it in a helium balloon and let it fly to the heavens.
  • Connect with the person you have lost in meditation. You don’t have to believe in “spirits” to do this. Sit quietly and breathe for a while until you are focused on your breath and it is slow and deep. Picture your loved one’s face in detail. Picture your face near your loved one’s face. Tell him/her that you miss him. Tell her that you are grateful for having had her in your life. Then listen. Let your loved one tell you wonderful things about yourself. You’d be surprised how well this works!
  • If you’re feeling depressed, go out amongst people. Isolating yourself will not help you feel better.
  • If you are feeling suicidal, get help immediately! Go to the nearest emergency room if you have a real plan or contact a professional for help if you are not planning to do anything immediately or if you have suicidal thoughts with no plan.

Death is a natural part of life. Depending on your beliefs, the end of suffering for your loved one may bring you comfort. Or if the death was a result of a tragedy, perhaps remembering that your loved one is most likely in a peaceful place may help. The holidays call for a celebration of life – both for the living and the passed. May your holidays be peaceful and may you feel your lost loved ones smiling down on you, adding to your joy.

Eight Tips for a Low-Stress Holiday

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in December Tips, Thursdays with Stacey

This year more than last, at least in my opinion, people seem to be more up in arms about the use of the term “Merry Christmas” and other tidbits. I don’t really care what you say to me to wish me a good holiday, but these are the kinds of things that add such unwarranted stress to the season. Actually, most of the stresses of the season are self-imposed. If you’re looking to reduce the pressure this year, consider the following tips:

  • You don’t have to do any of it. If putting up decorations, baking, etc. is not your thing, then don’t do it. Most people who complain about “having” to do things are doing them out of obligation or pressures they put on themselves or because of societal influences. Of course, if you have young children, they may be counting on some traditional stuff, and that’s understandable. But if you find yourself dreading a seasonal activity and it’s really not important to you or your kids, then don’t do it. And stop feeling guilty about it! A friend of mine had a tough time getting around to taking down and packing up her tree and decorations last year. It turned out well because this year, everything was already out and ready for her to put the tree back up!
  • Consider only getting gifts for the kids. Some adults love to shop for that perfect gift. More power to them/you! But if your list is super-long, pare it down by suggesting that the adults not exchange gifts. You’d be surprised at how much relief you’ll get and give via this suggestion. I tossed that out a few years ago to my family and friends and all of them exhaled and said, “What a great idea!”
  • Online shopping is a wonderful, less-stressful way to find and buy the gifts you do need to get. If you’re not a fan of crowds, what could be better than sitting in your own home, “browsing the shelves?” Plus, you can find the most unique gifts online. Just make sure you buy from sites that start with “https:” as that indicates a secure site. Also, never use your debit card to buy online. Always use a credit card! If something does go wrong and your information falls into the wrong hands, dealing with a credit card company offers you a lot more protection than having to work with your personal bank.
  • Gift cards are not lame. They allow the recipient to buy what he/she really wants and almost every store in the country offers them! It is so much easier to buy a gift card than try to guess what someone wants.
  • Suggest that the people you do buy for create Wish Lists on Amazon.com. They can even add things from other stores! This is another way to make shopping quick, easy and effective.
  • Consider buying a heat-and-eat meal if you’re hosting a gathering. Randall’s and Luby’s are just two places that offer complete meals for around $50 – and they actually taste great!
  • Another party tip is to consider having it catered! Many restaurants offer reasonably-priced catering and some even come set everything up for you! Check with your favorite eatery to see if they offer this service.
  • Stay away from negative news, social media, etc. It only fuels your inner perfectionistic voice and/or adds negative energy to your soul.

Society tells us that everything must be homemade, lit up, wrapped in pretty bows and perfect. We all know that perfect doesn’t exist. If you decide to try some of these tips, just remember that you’re taking care of yourself, and that’s the best gift you can give to yourself, and by extension, to others! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Festivus and Happy Holidays!

Losing the Family Illusion and Finding Freedom

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Thursdays with Stacey

I just finished reading a most excellent memoir entitled Mother Daughter Me, by Katie Hafner. I was barely able to put it down, highlighting half of it using the nifty feature on my Kindle for iPad app. My own mother currently lives with my husband, my daughter, and me and I am resonating all over the place with Hafner’s tale.

Removing my loving husband from the equation, I am the meat in a multi-generational female sandwich. My mother would probably be sourdough, while my daughter would be some exotic bread that made your mouth explode with happiness. I think I am pretty much the bologna: tasty enough, but mostly a barrier between the condiments and the bread.

I was very anxious last year when the idea of my mother coming to reside with us was broached. As in any family, there was some history there that I wasn’t too sure what to do with. Yet, Mom was getting forgetful and falling down more often. Neither one of us was ready to consider the dreaded “assisted living” facilities that dot the city, yet it was obvious that she needed to not be alone.

The decision made, we converted our guest room into Mom’s bedroom, which made her my teenage daughter’s next door neighbor and new bathroom-mate. I already had visions of my kid and her friends keeping my mother awake all night or my mom leaving her dentures in the middle of my daughter’s makeup set. Fortunately, they have worked all that out on their own.

What I am now discovering is that my mother can work out things on her own. When she first moved in, I hovered constantly, “translating” what she said to my husband and daughter while they looked at me like I was a freak. I realized that I had the mother that I grew up with stuck in my head, not the pleasant, elderly woman that stood before me now. Old habits die hard, I suppose.

My “job” in my family growing up was to be the buffer – the peacemaker. My mother had undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder and dealt with her tumultuous feelings by dulling them with alcohol for many years. Even after she received the proper diagnosis and found a good medication regimen, there were times that she was just, well, bat-shit crazy. My father dealt with this mostly by going to work early in the morning and coming home after dark and attending to various “projects” on the weekends that kept him outside and busy.

While I know now that they both did the best they could with the resources they had at the time, as an only child, I more than once felt that I had been dealt a pretty bad hand. I learned how to finish an abandoned dinner after my mother had passed out. I even learned how to serve it on a plate to my father with a smile, like nothing was wrong. I learned how to listen to their separate rants and agree that the other was a complete jerk. I kept the peace. And so, I thought that would automatically be my role now that one of my parents was going to live with me.

My, how wrong I was! Not only was it unnecessary for me to keep the peace, I learned that it was essential for me to get out of the way and let my mother forge her own relationships with my husband and daughter. The drunken, unreasonable, embarrassing mother was nowhere to be found! She’s still a little bat-shit crazy, but who am I to judge since I obviously got half of my genes from her? I’m sure my daughter calls me similar things, because – I admit it – I can be quite insane sometimes. Whether it’s giggling hysterically at a fart joke, being irrational or communicating ineffectively, there’s a lot of “crazy” in me, too. I think we all have a little bit of that je ne sais quoi brand of nuts in us; that makes us human.

There’s a quote in Hafner’s memoir that really struck a chord with me:

“What stands between me and the person I would like to be is this illusion of perfect love between my mother and me. It is a lie I can no longer afford.” – Nancy Friday, from My Mother/ My Self.

That’s what I am slowly stepping away from – the illusion. Not only the thought that my mother and I could have a perfect love, because human love is never perfect; but from the illusion that she is still today who she was back then. And with this understanding, I realize that I don’t have to be bologna anymore.

I Can Juggle 3 Chainsaws and a Bowling Ball! How About You?

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in December Tips, M3 Blog Carnival

M3Carnivalsimple

I’m happy to be participating in the Mogul, Mom and Maid Blog Carnival! To read other articles, visit Hello Ladies.

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For the last four or five decades, women have taken on more roles in society. We can work outside the home in fields other than secretarial and nursing. There are female CEOs and upper managers, doctors, lawyers and sanitation workers. All of this is well and good, but it gave birth to the whole issue of “juggling” in our lives. Can we be excellent women, wives/partners, mothers, employees/bosses and homemakers all at the same time? Of course, this gives rise to a bigger question: why do we feel the need to strive to “master” this juggling act?

I’ll be honest here; I’m a bit of a rogue. I haven’t watched a news program in over ten years or a full commercial in over two. I don’t vote (no need to comment on this; I’ve heard the lecture hundreds of times) and I dislike organized religion. Basically, anything that society tells me I need to have, think or do, I usually do the opposite (with the exception of watching Breaking Bad and The Blacklist [recorded on DVR so I can skip the commercials], if I’m to strive for full disclosure). However, there was a time not so long ago when I was totally into the circus routine.

I experienced severe postpartum depression and panic disorder after my daughter was born. I had always been pretty “Type A” and a baby just blew away any predictability, structure and routine that I had for myself. It was a dark time, but I got better with treatment. I went straight back to the routine: I got up at 5:00am to get ready for work, get the baby up, fed and dressed. I’d drop her off at day care and then drive to the gym. I’d work out for an hour, shower, dress, and put make-up on and get to work by 8:00am. I’d work until 5 or 5:30pm, drive home, pick up the baby, make dinner, tidy up the house (unless it was Thursday; on Thursday I cleaned the entire house because I didn’t want to give up a weekend day to do it) and swap out baby care with my husband until I fell into bed, exhausted, somewhere between 10 and 11:00pm. I did this every day for over a year.

I think back on that time now and wonder how the heck I did it. I don’t feel particularly proud of that juggling act; it’s more like a feeling of disbelief. Not only how did I do it, but why? Now that I am older and have gotten in touch with my genuine self, that time in my life seems so shallow. In an attempt to please everyone, I was basically committing slow suicide by adrenaline. I was irritable all the time! Yet, the idea of “having it all” continuously played over and over in my head, and I believed I was doing it.

What I was doing was living for everyone else except me. Young children do need fairly constant attention, but I found that annoying. As a result, I didn’t really enjoy being a mother. I have mourned that time and have let it go, but that was really tough to accept. My daughter is a teenager now, but we’re pretty close. Thankfully, my lack of enthusiasm didn’t prevent her from loving her mommy anyway. I guess I was good enough.

Hindsight is always 20/20 and if I could do it all over again, I would make some changes. For all of you young mothers out there trying to conquer the world, here’s some advice from a seasoned one. Please don’t make the same mistakes I made!

  • Excellence isn’t perfection. If you’re doing the best you can at the time, even if your best sucks, then you’re achieving excellence.
  • Take care of yourself first. Believe it or not, the housework, dishes, etc. will be there tomorrow (unless you have an awesome partner or a maid).
  • A cluttered house is indicative that children live there. It’s okay.
  • If at all possible, find meaningful work in an area that you’re passionate about. Whether that means volunteering or outside employment, make sure that you love what you’re doing.
  • Quit comparing yourself to other women. You’ll always lose. Plus, many women are great actors and are thinking that you’re more awesome than they are!
  • Stop caring what other people think. You’ll never catch up to those “Joneses” because they do not exist. If someone doesn’t approve of what you’re wearing, how you act or how dirty your house is, then they don’t need to be in your life.
  • Be honest with yourself. If you are resentful toward your kids or your spouse, work through it with a professional. It not only hurts your relationships, but it slowly erodes your self-esteem.

Of course, all this is easier said than done. However, I am living proof that it is achievable. It took time, honesty about myself, accepting some unpleasant facts about my childhood and rebuilding my esteem to fit my genuine self. There are so many wonderful Life Coaches and therapists out there that would be honored to help you find insight into your life!

Personal growth is a life-long process. However, it is very nice to be content with this phase of my life. It is my wish that you find your peace, realize how important you are, and jump off of that merry-go-round if you’re on it. You’re already excellent, my friend!

Little Girls, Get up! Get Up and Eat!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in November Notes, Thursdays with Stacey

I’m reposting this wonderful prose from Momastery. View the original article HERE. — Stacey

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family-happy-1

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because the world needs more people who have come alive.” – Howard Thurman

I went to school for Tish’s conference this morning. All is well enough. She’s doing fine- especially in her own estimation. As we were waiting in the hall, I saw [some] art work on the wall. Tish explained that the assignment was to write about their biggest, boldest dream.

You guys- I only had time to get three pictures, but over and over- again and again and again- I read: “My dream is for my family to be happy.”

Tish’s  poster wasn’t done yet. I asked what her dream was and she said: “To be Taylor Swift and for my mommy to be happy.” Oh, I said. Then she added: “Everyone at my table wrote ‘I want my mommy to be happy!’” Oh, I said again.

You guys. They want us to be happy.

They’re not saying: My dream is for my mom to be perfect. Or my dream is for my mom to be thinner or better looking. Or cooler. Or have more friends. Or have better things. Or to have had a prettier past. Or have a cleaner, bigger, nicer house. Or be richer. Or be divorced or reunited. Or work less or more or outside the home or inside the home or part time or what-have-you. None of that.

Just: My dream is for my family and my mommy to be happy.

Holy crap, you guys. We’ve got to get our joy back. We think it’s love to allow our roles –mother, wife, volunteer, career woman – to consume us like a fire until we can’t even be seen anymore – but that’s not love. I think our kids want to really see us. They want us to leave a part of ourselves unconsumed so they can see us. I think our kids want to see us come alive sometimes. Our kids never asked for martyrs.  It is not love to allow yourself – your spirit – to be buried and then fade away.

At first- these thoughts stressed me out this morning because I am passionate and I am kind and sometimes I’m ecstatic and I can usually find gratitude but I’m not “happy.” I’m intense and up and down and I get depressed and anxious and my anxiety makes me hard to be around sometimes. Because I’m impatient and snappy. I snap at people I love all the time and that makes me feel bad about myself. I want to be zen. I am so not zen. Whatever zen is- I’m the opposite of it.

But you know what- none of those papers said that, “My dream is for my mom to stop snapping.” None said, “I wish my mom would stop being so anxious and just relax and be more like Jesus or Buddha.” Their dreams were less about us in relationship to THEM and more about what they really want for US. As PEOPLE. They want us to be happy. Because they love US. And because they know, likely, that they are supposed to learn how to be happy during this beautiful life from us. And so if we’re slugging our way through life without joy- they are probably thinking- deep down– if she can’t pull some joy out of life- how will I?

And so those posters served as some SMELLING SALTS for me this morning. They woke me up. And I thought: WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY? What is one thing that I could do today that has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ROLES I PLAY and just FEEDS MY SOUL?

Because that’s important. It is important to feed my body, mind and soul every day. If we are going to ask for our daily bread- we’ve got to take the time to receive it and eat it. God provides –but we’ve got to slow down long enough to TASTE AND SEE. And we cannot say that our list of things to do is too long to slow down and feed ourselves. Because there are URGENT things and there are IMPORTANT things – and no matter how much URGENT there is – we must fit a few TRULY IMPORTANT things into our day or the URGENT things will consume us every day forever and ever ’till we die. We feed ourselves or we die. It’s inconvenient- especially in a culture that worships productivity and efficiency and busyness for busyness’ sake- but it’s THE TRUTH. We eat or we die.

WHAT MAKES YOU COME ALIVE? WHO ARE YOU BENEATH ALL OF YOUR ROLES? HOW DO YOU FEED YOURSELF?

Listen. This is a thing. We are going to figure this out together. If joy is so far out of reach that you don’t even remember what the word means- let’s talk about getting to a doctor. That’s step one. If you can’t remember how to feed yourself but you remember what joy is: BE STILL. YOU HAVE TO GET STILL BEFORE YOU CAN REALLY GET UP. GOD MADE EVERYTHING WONDERFUL AND CREATIVE AND BEAUTIFUL OUT OF NOTHINGNESS- STILLNESS AND GOD STILL DOES. So find some quiet. 10 – 5 minutes a day. Try this- Travis sent it to us last night:

1) Prepare to pray the Psalm in 5 consecutively diminishing sentences.
2) Either aloud or quietly to yourself, say the words, “Be still and know that I am God”
3) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be still and know that I am.”
4) After a couple deep breaths, pray “Be still and know.”
5) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be still.”
6) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be.”
7) When ready, pray, “Amen.”

AH! 12 years old. That’s when it happens. That’s when we start looking to find our joy in other’s expectations and boys and magazines and cigarettes and food and we start getting buried. Go back. Before you were 12. What did you love?

MY FRIEND: YOU ARE NOT DEAD. YOU ARE JUST ASLEEP. YOU JUST NEED TO GET UP AND EAT.

LITTLE GIRL, GET UP!

GET UP AND EAT!!!!

The Innovation of Loneliness

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in November Notes

Ironically, I came across this video on Facebook! It’s very interesting, in my opinion, especially as we plan to get together with friends and family for Thanksgiving.

Welcome to Our New Look!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in November Notes

You may have noticed that this page looks a little (or a LOT) different! In anticipation of a new year, we are proud to present you with a new look!

Check in on Mondays for posts from Dr. Diane Sanford and on Thursdays for posts from Stacey Glaesmann! We are re-focusing our energy and providing our readers with consistent, uplifting, relevant posts that you will be able to draw positive energy from.

We also have a surprise in the works! Keep checking back – or even better, subscribe – so you won’t miss out on our big announcement!

All our love and respect,

Diane and Stacey

How to Control What You Can and Let Go of the Rest

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in November tips, Thursdays with Stacey

Here’s my latest Examiner.com article. You can see the original post HERE.

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Everyday stressors, such as broken appliances, leaving a bag of groceries at the store, and even stubbing a toe can build up into a big bundle of stress if we let them. Each thing in itself may be just a minor inconvenience, but when several things happen in a short period of time, it leaves one wondering if this chain of events is some type of punishment from Beyond.

Spiritual beliefs aside, it is very important to deal with each stressor as it happens. Even if there is nothing you can do about the situation at the moment, you can make sure that you perceive it in a healthy way, which will minimize the stress hormones in your body. That, in turn, will help you feel calmer, and over the long run, will give you the benefits of better physical and mental health.

As an example, let me tell you about what’s been going on in my life lately. Two weeks ago, one of our beloved dogs passed away. A week later, my daughter’s pet hamster died. The next weekend, I found out that an old friend of mine had passed away from a motorcycle accident. “I wonder what’s going to die next,” I remember thinking. The next day, my washing machine died.

Had one thing happened with lots of time in between the next, I would have had proper time to process the situation and moved toward acceptance of the loss. However, the day I started feeling a little better about losing our dog, the hamster died. He was an old, spoiled hamster, and his death wasn’t totally unexpected, but when added to the grief I still had to process about the dog, the rodent’s passing was all of a sudden very tragic to me. Not two days later, I heard about my friend. When the washer conked out, I had to laugh at the answer to my question about what would die next!

Believe me, laughing at the washer was a choice. There are four people that live in my home, along with a small zoo of furry friends, so an inoperable washer is a huge inconvenience. When I figured out that it was really broken, I thought about the question I had posed to the Beyond. I could have gotten frustrated or enraged or depressed. But I thought that I’d much rather have an appliance “die” than another person or pet. So, in a way, the fact that the machine broke was a blessing.

Don’t get me wrong: I did have a few really bad days. One day, I had a hard time getting out of bed because of the crushing grief. I was able to sit with the feelings and write about them. I accepted them as they came and remembered that they would pass. While I still have moments of sadness that seemingly strike from out of nowhere, I allow myself to feel them and cry if I need to. There is no “proper” time period for grief.

The broken washer gave me an opportunity to be pro-active. I couldn’t control the fact that my pets and friend were gone, but I did have some control over the appliance situation. I found a wonderful website called justanswer.com, which has hundreds of experts in many different fields on hand to answer questions about various things. They hooked me up with appliance expert Chas, and he helped me order the proper part, sent me a video that showed how to install it and helped me troubleshoot the machine after the part was installed. Now, the machine is functional, and I feel accomplished and proud, which are great counter-feelings to grief.

Next time you’re having “one of those days (or weeks or months),” make sure to carve out time just for yourself so that you can process each thing individually. If the situation is beyond your control, as most situations are, it’s healthiest to just accept it. That sounds easy, but it’s not. If you need some questions to ask yourself so that you can objectively prove that acceptance is the “proper” thing, feel free to use these:

  • How does this situation make me feel?
  • Am I OK with feeling this way for a while? (If the answer is yes, then you’ve already gotten to acceptance.)
  • Will these feelings hurt me in the long run (e.g. put stress on me)?
  • Is there anything that I can do to fix this situation? (If the answer is yes, then take the steps you need to in order to get things “right” again, like I did with researching my washer.)
  • If there’s nothing I can do about this, who is being hurt the most by my feelings?
  • Have I been able to sit and experience my feelings without running away from them?
  • How can I look at this situation differently so that I feel healthier feelings?

Moving through stressful, unhealthy feelings toward acceptance takes practice, as many of our stress-producing thoughts are very automatic. However, it is possible to find the “silver lining” or “lesson” in every situation, given enough time. Just remember that the one thing that stays the same in life is change. This too shall pass, my friend.