Tag: coping with stress

Buying “Stuff”: Necessity or Luxury?

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in September tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

I think we all can agree that our American society is more consumer-oriented now than ever before in history. Whether you call it “keeping up with the Joneses” or “retail therapy,” the things that used to be luxuries are starting to be perceived as necessities. Cable TV used to be something wealthy people had when I was growing up. Now, if you don’t have cable, you must live in a cave! One of the biggest problems with this attitude is that many people are sacrificing their financial self-care for buying “stuff.”

I was reading last week’s People Magazine and came upon a blurb about purses. Apparently a designer named Jil Sander took some plain brown paper bags, stamped them with her name, and put them on boutique shelves with a price tag of $290.00. Guess what? She can’t keep them on the shelves because they are selling so well! These are brown paper bags, people! They are the kind we pack “sack lunches” or carry our groceries in! Consumerism has obviously gotten out of hand.

Jil Sander’s $290 paper bag “Vasari” purse

It is difficult to find someone who is debt-free these days. Some debts are just necessary, such as a mortgage, school loans and even car loans. But if you’re paying off a $290 brown paper bag purse, you are neglecting your financial self-care! There are so many financial advice gurus out there that I’m not going to attempt to explain any remedies for debt. I am, however, going to encourage you to really think about each purchase you make on your credit card(s). Stop and look closely at the item, then ask yourself, “Do I really need this?” This simple process can help keep those credit card balances down to a reasonable amount.

When we talk about self-care, many people get mental pictures of women getting manicures and massages (which is great if you can afford it). But there’s so much more to self-care than that. You can apply it to every area of your life, including your financial responsibilities. So, stop trying to keep up with the Joneses (or Kardashians) and live within the parameters of your/your family’s individual situation. No one is in your exact situation, but modeling fiscal responsibility sure can make them want to keep up with YOU!

Welcome to the Holiday Season!?

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in September tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom", Uncategorized

Labor Day has come and gone, signaling the commercial commencement of “The Holidays.” Every year, I feel a little nauseous the first time I see Christmas/Hanukkah items displayed in a store in late-August/early-September. It’s sad, really. I remember a time when “holiday time” started after Halloween and consisted more of family gatherings instead of the shop-fest that it has become.

Instead of reiterating a bunch of advice about avoiding holiday stress, let me instead ask how can you make this early Fall more self-focused? The kids are off at school. Things are slowly starting to settle down. Do you find yourself settling down as well or are you immediately jumping ahead to planning Thanksgiving dinner?

One of the first pieces of advice I remember ever giving my daughter was, “Don’t believe everything you see on TV.” The same goes for all of society’s mass outlets – TV, radio, Internet and stores themselves. If the merchants were to have it their way, we’d buy back-to-school clothes, Halloween candy and costumes, huge turkey dinners, Christmas/Hanukkah gifts and holiday dinners, one right after the other. Family? What family?

As you send your kiddos off to school today, I challenge you to avoid the media – avoid the hype. See what a pre-Fall day can be like with just your thoughts about things, not influenced or controlled what you “should be” thinking forward to. Staying in the present moment is a tried-and-true method for reducing anxiety and tension. So, when you look at right now, what do you see? Thanksgiving? Christmas? Or just September 6, 2012, ready to bring you whatever it brings? This is YOUR “holiday season,” whether it’s already started or not – do what’s best for YOU and YOUR family!

Happy September!

Kids Need Self-Care, Too

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in August Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

One of my daughter’s best friends is Chinese. Her parents came to the U.S. before she was born, so she is an American citizen. Her mother, on the other hand, is holding on tight to the Chinese culture. This causes heavy distress for Jane* as she tries to make Mom happy while fitting in with her friends. I call this phenomenon, which happens more than you would think, Cultural Gap. Jane is falling right into it.

As I watch how things go in Jane’s household, I realize just how high her mother’s expectations are for her. If she makes an 89 on a paper or test, she gets sent to a tutor. She is expected to excel in all areas, and is taking an art class taught by a famous Chinese artist. As you can imagine, Jane is quite miserable sometimes, and she and her mom butt heads constantly.

In this case, the main player is culture. Jane and her mom are having a tough time navigating between Chinese and American cultures. Yet, I see plenty of American children going through similar experiences, being held to impossible expectations and being punished for a “B”. Just look around on the Internet and you’ll find all kinds of studies about how kids these days are more stressed than ever.

Our readers with kids in school, have you noticed if your child or children are extra stressed? Have you evaluated your expectations? Have you spoken to your child about how he/she is feeling? As parents, we sometimes get so focused on external achievements, like grades and extracurriculars, that we overlook the consequences they can have on our offspring.

One thing that my family does to lower stress is limit our 13 year-old daughter’s extracurriculars to 2 activities. We also went from the “you must take all Pre-AP [advanced placement] classes” to “take whatever classes you can handle.” Our daughter has a special situation. As the child of 2 anxious parents, she has developed OCD. So it is especially important to us to help her manage her stress, and knowing that our expectations are meetable definitely helps.

If you have dealt with, or are currently dealing with, a stressed-out child, what advice would you give to other parents as to how to help manage the stress?

*Name changed to protect privacy

A Not-So-Secret Anxiety Remedy

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in August Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

I was in session yesterday with a young lady who has been dealing with anxiety and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) for most of her life. I’ve been working with her for quite a while, and we’ve tried all kinds of coping mechanisms. In her session, she told me that she thinks she has found THE coping tool that has significantly reduced her symptoms. She had been discouraged after trying progressive muscle relaxation, breathing techniques, thought monitoring/stopping, visualization and a few others. So when she said this, I got excited! What was her favored remedy? Present moment awareness!

Diane and I have written about mindfulness and present moment awareness in the past, and we both agree that this technique is one of the basics of self-care. While it’s true that not all coping tools will work for everyone, this particular exercise, when made habitual, can change lives.

My client is dealing with financial problems, and found herself worked into a panic regularly, wondering how she was going to get enough money to pay her bills. Using present moment awareness, she has been able to tell herself, “The bills are not due today. Right now, all is well. I’ll deal with it when the time comes.” This usually brings her anxiety down and sometimes wipes it completely out!

Of course, some things do require planning ahead, and paying bills can be one of them. My client told me yesterday that she had 2 “out of the blue” opportunities to make extra money, and that would take care of her August bills! She’s now working on maintaining mindfulness, but also having faith that God/The Universe will provide for her, as long as she expects Him/it to.

She said she felt strange when practicing these new thoughts, because her old thought patterns were so negative. It made sense to her that we tend to get what we expect to get out of life. So, if she expects obstacles and depression, that’s what she gets. After getting some “proof” that positive and mindful thoughts DO have a real effect in her life, she’s finding renewed enthusiasm to keep it up!

Battling the Back-to-School Blahs

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in August Tips, Monday Musings

Now that my daughters are older, starting school is less challenging time and energy wise. But for those of you who still have younger children, August can be a stressful and depleting month. Here are some recommendations from Lisa Salazar, a therapist and mom of two teens and a toddler, who’s found that organization and routine is key to decreasing stress and maintain a healthy balance in at home.

Schedule family time:  Allow your children to help plan a weekly family night.  An example is renting videos and watching them at home with favorite movie snacks to enjoy.  During family night, rules should be established, such as no texting or taking phone calls.

Choose chores:  Because everyone’s schedules are busier now, it is helpful to have a family meeting where everyone can decide which chores they will be responsible for.

Homework:  By providing your children a calendar and having one for yourself, both of you can jot down any special dates and scheduled tests.   Staying organized is the key to a successful school year!

Observe child’s behavior:   Be mindful of any changes in behavior, sleep, and eating behaviors.

Offer support and solutions:  Be your child’s strongest advocate.  Reach out to teacher s and counselors to help you and your child.

Listen:  Use car rides home and dinner time to talk with your child.

Real Mom Lisa

Today’s guest author is Lisa Salazar, MA, LMFT, LPC who is a licensed marriage and family therapist.  She has been married for 18 years and has 3 children.   Books in the Burbs is a blog that Lisa maintains to write book reviews.

Hatred is a Heavy Burden

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in August Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

I’ve been astonished at some of the hate being spewed out from my “friends” on Facebook as the Presidential election draws near. It’s great to debate, share opinions and find like-minded people. However, like the race itself, both parties are getting dirty and hateful.

We’ve all felt that hateful feeling at one time or another. Most people say they don’t like feeling that way, but there are always a few that not only like it, but purposely create it. If you carry grudges or find yourself hating someone or something, think about who that is really hurting…YOU.

The subject of your negative feelings is most likely unaware or unaffected by your hatred. But you have to carry it with you all day, every day. It weighs you down, tires you out and makes life in general more difficult.

Politics and religion seem to be the hot topics that elicit such hateful statements. I’ve had to make myself ignore ugly posts and comments because it does stir a lot of anger in me – not because I feel one way or another about the candidates, but the shock at the actions of my “friends.” If you find yourself feeling rageful, hate or carrying a grudge, the best thing you can do for yourself is let it go. The minute you do, you will feel lighter and your stress level will go down. Anything that has those results is definitely self-care! So, gals, let it go and focus on what is really important in your life.

The 5 Best Self-Care Resources on the Net

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in July Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

When it comes to self-care, it can be tough to find resources that are both of quality and informative. In order to make the search easier, here are the 5 best self-care resources on the web (in no particular order):

1. Self-Compassion: A Healthier Way of Relating to Yourself – Dr. Kristin Neff from the University of Texas at Austin provides a comprehensive site with resources, books and exercises in self-care. She also offers guided meditation videos and scripts, as well as research on the topic of self-compassion.

2. Kind Over Matter – this site is run like a community, with forums, free downloadable inspirational material and eBooks. According to the site’s creator, Laura, Kind Over Matter “… [helps readers] lead authentic lives doing what we love & by sharing that, by giving it a voice, we are helping more people step into their dreams & greatness.”

3. Psychology Today – the partner site to Psychology Today magazine contains many articles about self-care, self-compassion, relationships and coping mechanisms for stress.

4. Mindful Self-Compassion – psychotherapist Dr. Christopher Germer, based in Arlington, MA, provides a site that contains free downloadable exercises, free audio meditations, books and the opportunity to sign up for one of his many workshops.

5. Living Self-Care – you’re already here! Our blog, updated bi-weekly, provides tips and exercises that promote self-care. We also have a “self-care challenge” 2 times a year in which everyone is a winner.

The quest for self-care is heating up as people around the globe realize that most of their problems stem from lack of it! While there are other, smaller sites on the topic, the 5 listed above are the most comprehensive and useful for anyone interested in the subject.

Sex: Why We Love It and Why It’s Okay

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in July Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Sex: it’s everywhere! From slacks to soda, the concept of sex is used in print, Internet and TV ads more than any other theme of everyday life. What’s so alluring about the idea of sex and sexy things that draws us to it like moths to a flame?

That is not a simple question to answer, unfortunately. There are so many factors that tie in with the concept of sexuality, there’s no one that can be identified. However, since sex is something all humans have in common, whether it’s the act or the urge to act, just about everyone can relate to the general concept. And when people relate to something, they are more likely to buy it or support it.

There’s also the allure of the “forbidden fruit” or taboo aspect. Humans want things that are considered no-no’s by society. We want to feel individualized and rebellious. Even though sex is way more widely visible in today’s world than it was even 10 years ago, there’s still a stigma attached to it. Sex is something people do behind closed doors; it’s secret. That’s another reason we react the way we do.

In this heat wave, many people are choosing to stay inside in the air conditioning. And, as in the wintertime, when folks are thrown together in such close company, many are heating up the bedroom. Sex is an important part of self-care, as it relieves stress, releases our natural painkillers (called endorphins), and generally elevates our mood. So no matter the reason you find yourself drawn to the concept of sex, keep in mind that it’s part of healthy self-care; and therefore, you are not a pervert for thinking about it!

Happy heat wave!

A Good Kind of Stress

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in June Tips, Monday Musings

I just got back from a wonderful vacation to Disney World with my daughter and my dad. It was a great week, but I feel like I need a vacation from my vacation! This got me thinking about the stress we experience from good things – it’s called “eustress.”

Whether it’s a vacation, getting married or getting a promotion, even good experiences have stress attached to them. At Disney, we did a lot of walking and waiting in long lines in a high heat and humidity climate. We had to navigate crowds and deal with air travel. So while we all had a fabulous time, all 3 of us are now taking a couple of days to relax from the eustress we experienced.

Many people don’t realize the amount of stress that’s involved with positive events. And if they feel stressed-out, irritable or anxious, they think that there’s something wrong with them instead of acknowledging the eustress that accompanies good events. Thoughts like, “How can I be feeling so bad? I’m on vacation!” can increase anxiety and cause guilt. But when folks accept that yes, even positive situations are stressful, the anxiety and guilt will usually decrease or go away altogether.

When we chose the dates for our vacation, we purposely booked the flight home on a Friday so we would have the weekend to decompress from our eustress before going back to work on Monday. I have been relaxing, watching movies and playing around on the computer all weekend. Laundry and other chores need to be done, but they will still be there tomorrow when, hopefully, I will feel recovered from my vacation eustress.

What are some of the coping techniques that you have used to dissolve your eustress? We’d love to hear what works for you!

P.S. We will be announcing the winners from our May Self-Care Challenge on Thursday! Stay tuned!

They Grow Up So Fast

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in June Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

It is almost noon and I am sitting here waiting for my teenage girl to wake up. It is now summer break, and she takes advantage of catching up on her sleep deficit. As I sit here, I’m feeling nostalgic and a little bit sad.

Yesterday, the kiddo and I made plans to spend the day together. It’s my day off and it seems like I don’t see her very often. She’s really good about doing all her chores and so her reward is being allowed to visit friends. And visit she does! I know her friends now know her much better than I do, thus the sadness.

I remember when she couldn’t wait to spend time with me. She was always a “momma’s girl” and really still is in a lot of ways. I know in my heart that this is what happens developmentally: adolescents focus more on their peers than on their parents. She’s developing her individuality. She’s proving the idea that “they grow up so fast.” But who says I have to like it?

This is our challenge, moms! We have to move into acceptance as our children grow up. It is our job to teach them and guide them so we can feel confident about them eventually going out into the big, bad world. There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad or whatever else you may feel. Just make sure you don’t let yourself go down the “hurt” road. Your child is not trying to hurt you on purpose; he/she is doing his/her job, which is growing up and launching him/herself out into the world. You don’t have to like it, but just know that’s how it is. Accept this and look back at all the things you and your partner have given your children: lessons learned, guidance, being there through sickness or emotional issues, and letting them know that you will always be here if they need you. That, my friends, is how it’s supposed to be!