Tag: mental health

Rules of the House

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

As a psychotherapist, I work with many adults who are still struggling with their childhood “programming.” These are the rules and beliefs that your family of origin used, often unconsciously. It is very easy for someone who grew up in an abusive household to think that abuse is “normal.” Then the cycle continues.

One very common “program” is the “Don’t Rock the Boat” rule. This means that no matter what, family members either act like a dysfunction isn’t there, or try to “sweep it under the rug.” For example, a family with an alcoholic mother may never talk about the subject and may even step over her and keep walking if she was passed out on the floor.

Another common “program” is the, “Everything is Fine” rule. With this belief in place, each member of the family puts on “masks” when they have to interact with other people. For example, the mother and father could be going through an ugly divorce, but the children are all smiles and act as if everything is great. The parents do the same thing when in public.

What these programs have in common is untruth. These families don’t want to express their pain and dysfunction, so they never give themselves a chance to work through their problems. When they get to my office, they can be holding a lot of anger towards their parents, children, siblings or other family members. These folks have a choice: anger or forgiveness. As Kambri Crews, author of Burn Down the Ground says, “Forgiving others and making peace with the cards you have been dealt is within all of us. Generally speaking, people aren’t purely evil or good. Life is much more complicated than that. ” Well said, Ms. Crews.

Listen to Your “Inner Wizard”: Quiet Your “Inner Lizard”

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Monday Musings

When we left last Monday, my “inner lizard” was screaming warnings of fear and dread, as only she can, about not attending a sweat lodge ritual (temazcal) with a Mayan shaman while on vacation. “Danger. Danger. Danger,” she shouted. “What if you have to leave and humiliate yourself. Worse yet, what if you pass out? Worse yet, what if you have a heart attack out in the middle of the jungle and never leave alive.” You get the picture.

However, I decided not to let Caty Catastrophe (as I fondly call her) deter me.  Instead, I told her that the danger was unproven, to have a snack, take a nap,  and I’d (my observing “wizard” self) look out for the two of us. Fortunately, with years of meditation and now mindfulness, she obliged and I left with 7 other brave companions to see what lie ahead.

As we entered the sweat lodge, I wondered if Caty might be right. Unbeknownst to me, we would be there for 45 minutes with the heat increasing four levels. While the shaman (surname Debbie) spoke calmly about the Mayan creation myth, I doused myself with the bowl of water being passed around, certain I wouldn’t make it to level 3.

Then the magic happened. I noticed myself settling down and listening attentively to what Debbie was said. I was still sweating profusely but it didn’t feel unbearable. At the start, she’d mentioned that if we got uncomfortable it would be cooler to sit or lie on the thatched mats which covered the floor. At level 3, I sat down and was chanting vigorously. By level four, I was lieing down in corpse position, a yoga pose, and actually felt cool.

Next we left the lodge to enter a ritual spring. It was invigorating and soothing. I felt triumphant. Free of my fears and worries. Discovering once again, that trusting my “inner wizard” (wiser/higher self) is definitely the way to go!

What are your “lizard” fears stopping you from? How can you take one small step this week to let your “wizard” self guide you instead?

Racing to “Nowhere”

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

I was fortunate enough to see a screening of the independent film, Race to Nowhere. The filmmakers interviewed students, teachers and parents from across the country to gauge the stress levels of our nation’s families. If you have kids, particularly in grades 6 – 12, you probably already know how overworked and overscheduled our children are. But have you given thought to the ramifications of their stress on you?

The film suggested that some schools and families started worrying about getting into a good college as early as first grade! And in order to do that, the student must have spectacular grades, many extracurricular activities, student clubs and community service projects. You may be aware of how much time you’re spending in the car or working on homework with your kids, but have you noticed that their stress levels are sometimes fueled by us, as parents?

Whether you work or stay at home, you have a full-time job. You’re already stressed enough. The film pointed out that time spent doing homework has increased from 1 – 2 hours per night prior to 6th grade to 4 – 6 hours between grades 6 – 12. They also pointed out that after 1 – 2 hours, the correlation between amount of homework and academic achievement is zero.

Are We Running Our Kids Ragged?

Step back from your kids for a minute. No, you can’t directly control how much homework they have, but you do have a say in what clubs, extracurriculars and community projects they are involved in. Do you see anything that can be dropped from their schedules? Are they in some activity because they “should” instead of because they “want to”? If so, I challenge you to talk with your student about paring down his or her daily schedule. Not only will their stress levels go down, but so will yours. And self-care for the entire family will go up!

Peace!
Stacey

Hello, It’s Nice to Meet Me!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

I just had the pleasure of seeing the movie 1,000 Words, starring Eddie Murphy, with my daughter. I wasn’t sure what to expect – a physical, bawdy comedy or a dramatic life lesson. Let’s say it was a good mix of the two – I recommend it!

The movie got me thinking about the masks we wear for others, and sometimes, even for ourselves. Fans of meditation will tell you that you truly do not know yourself until you have gone deep within and faced whatever demons lie in wait for you there. Thomas Moore called it, “The dark night of the soul.” You, the hero or heroine, then emerge all shiny and new and genuine.

I’m not sure how many methods there are to meeting your True Self; besides meditation, I’ve used imagery and yoga. My max time in sitting meditation has been maybe 5 minutes, so you see the problem there. But the movie renewed a strong desire in me to really find out who I am…me…not my job, my masks or the many hats I wear…ME.

What a great way to renew your spirit this Spring – to finally meet The Real You! At the very least, you’ll be amazed at just how many masks you do wear for others as well as yourself. And when you get some quiet, alone time, can you sit in silence, just with your breathing keeping you company? Or do you need the TV or radio on, or do you have to be reading something, keeping your mind in “escape mode?” We constantly distract ourselves from ourselves and don’t even realize it!

TRYING to meditate!

So give it a try! Leave a comment if you’re a veteran meditator or let me know how it’s going if you’re going to give one (or more!) of these methods a try!

At the Core

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Monday Musings

[Diane usually writes for Mondays, but she’s taking care of herself and is on vacation! So I’m happy to fill in while she gets some much needed R&R!]

I saw a client this morning who realized just how much of his belief system as an adult was shaped by his childhood. As these core beliefs emerge from the recesses of his mind, he chooses the ones that he deems healthy to hang onto and is working on changing the rest. In essence, he is “spring cleaning” his spirit.

So much of our core belief structure has been in place for so long that it generates automatic thoughts and judgments about a large variety of subjects. My client was able to isolate the thought that, “Overweight means lazy, having no direction and being a general loser at life.” As he is trying to lose a few pounds, he unconsciously identified with this statement and let it affect his self-esteem in a big, bad way. So, the first step of the process is to identify your core beliefs by paying attention to your thoughts.

Next, he defined “in shape” as, “Someone who is motivated, has sharp focus and is working toward concrete goals.” Does his definition match what’s in Webster’s Dictionary? No, it doesn’t. But by making his own definition, my client gained control over this area of his life. Each time he looks in the mirror, he reminds himself that he is mentally and emotionally “in shape,” and will soon be physically fit as well. This second step is to modify existing beliefs into something healthier.

The last step is to practice saying your new, healthy core beliefs to yourself as many times per day as you can. Like learning anything new, this skill requires repetition to make these beliefs into healthier automatic thoughts.

How many unhealthy core beliefs can you identify in yourself? Some may still serve you, but modifying and practicing the ones that don’t will allow you to overcome many obstacles in your life.

Spring (Give Me a) Break!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Hey, parents! What time is it? SPRING BREAK TIME! “What gave it away?” you ask. Yes, the students are bouncing off of the walls, but that’s not it. What alerts me are the bleary-eyed looks I get from parents when I mention the one-week school vacation.

Spring Break was designed to give students and teachers a rest from the rigors of the second half of the school year. Families sometimes take advantage of this time to go on trips and spend time together. But do we really do what we want to over the Break or are we too focused on doing what others are doing?

“Maria’s family is going to Disneyland,” my daughter reported one year after I told her we had no plans for Spring Break. I felt a twinge of guilt (synonym for mother) and inferiority when I thought about what Maria’s parents had planned for their family trip. In fact, most of my daughter’s friends were going out of town for at least part of the week. We were staying home, much to my kiddo’s chagrin.

When the week was over, Maria’s mom came by. I noticed the bags under her eyes and her eyelids at half-mast as she described their “incredibly fun” trip. “So, you’d recommend that we go some time?” I asked as she got up to leave. She stopped, turned to look directly at me and said, “I’d recommend that you do what you want to do. ‘Cuz doing what everybody else wants to do sucks.”

http://www.pearlandtherapy.com

I couldn’t have said it better myself! This Spring Break, ask yourself what it is that YOU want and need. Maybe it is a trip to Disneyland, but chances are, you and your family need a little rest and relaxation. And no matter how fun an amusement park is, it promotes anything but rest. The idea is to return to school and work feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, so give yourself a Break and make it happen!

Regretfully Yours…

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Dictionary.com defines regret as “a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.” When I hear people speak of their regrets, they are usually thinking about their pasts. But we all know that we can’t change the past and we can’t predict the future. So, what function do regrets really have?

Author Rory Cochrane once said, “I do not regret the things I’ve done, but those I did not do.” So whether you’re thinking of something you wish you hadn’t done or maybe something you wish you had, regret can function as a guide for present-moment decisions. And all we have is the gift of right now – that’s why it’s called the “present.”

Personally, I can honestly say I have no regrets. I’m one of those people that believe that everything happens for a reason, so what is there to regret? The Cochrane quote really had a big impact on me the first time I read it. I have been an anxious person most of my life, and was allowing the fear to make my world smaller and smaller. Reading that quote made something “click” in my head and helped me say “yes” to things that I wanted to do but usually would have said “no” to out of fear of the unknown.

Are there things that you regret? Perhaps there’s a person that you’d like to reconnect with or a situation that you can correct. Today is the first day of March. While Spring doesn’t officially start until the 20th, why not start anew today? Fix the things you can and work on letting go of the things you can’t. Regret, like guilt, can be an excellent motivator, but hanging onto it too long is just a waste of precious energy.

Let’s Make 2012 a Great Year!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

As many of you may know, 2012 is supposed to be a year of great change. According to the Mayan calendar, it will be a time when institutions/habits which are not serving us dissolve and new ones emerge. Like a caterpillar that dissolves to become a butterfly, something entirely new will be emerge in its place.

It is an opportunity for each of us to tap into the energy of transcendence-to discover our full selves, healthy and whole. But, how? Often we get so stuck in the familiar that whether it’s best for us or not, we stop ourselves from exploring the new and unknown. We are frightened to lose the security of the the status quo in hopes of preventing bad things from happening.

But, this is a myth. The only constant is that life changes. So, let’s be bold, dream big and live large. Let’s allow old fear-based habits to dissolve and embrace the opportunity each day brings to discover all we were meant to be.

At livingselfcare, we’ll be changing too. Stacey Glaesman, LPC will be joining me to provide her insights on self-care, health and happiness. We’ll present more resources and recommendations to help you on your self-care journey, and as always, we welcome your guest posts, comments and suggestions.

Let’s make 2012 our best year ever! Let us know what you’d like to talk about. This is your community. Let us hear from you.

Make Self-Care Your Holiday Gift

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

This past week I went to Hilton Head, SC for a conference on the psychology of health, immunity and disease, or how our emotions and thoughts affect our biology. I loved it and got to attend with one of my best friends which made it most enjoyable. Even so a week beforehand, I started to panic. How could I abandon my clients during the holidays? How could I be so insensitive and selfish? What was I thinking when I made my plans in August? Clearly, I wasn’t.

However, when my plane left St.Louis last Wednesday, I felt happy and peaceful with my Starbucks in one hand and Real Simple in the other. My guilt pangs lessened. In fact, my joy and contentment heightened as my journey progressed. I wasn’t dwelling on the responsibilities I’d left behind or the distressed calls which might greet me when I returned. I was giving myself a self-care holiday and it felt great!

I even chose to stay an extra night so I wouldn’t have to rush home just as the conference ended. Instead, I walked on the beach, visited the bookstore, got the best facial ever, and watched a movie in my room while sitting on my bed eating tuna salad followed by white chocolate bread pudding. Truly, heaven on earth.

Now, whatever happens, I’m ready-refueled and restored. Except maybe for a little more dessert.

What are your self-care plans this week? As we say, self-care isn’t selfish it’s self-preserving and it feels great!

Read This for Holiday Stress Relief

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

The holidays are here with fun-filled and stress-filled times sandwiched together, not unlike raising children, work, marriage and other life pursuits. So, here are some recommendations to make the holidays calmer and happier.

First, have realistic expectations of yourself.  Many of us feel disappointed because our “fairytale images” don’t materialize. Instead, focus on feeling good from the inside out.  Build a fire and roast marshmallows, shop with a friend, or take a long walk in the woods.  Meditate, workout, read, or  listen to music.  Feed your soul.

Second, have realistic expectations of others.  No one’s family or friends are perfect, and the holidays won’t change this.  Since we can’t change them, we need to rely on ourselves to gather what’s positive and let go of the negative.  Create new family traditions so they don’t stir up bad memories.  If a situation becomes too negative, leave.

Likewise, don’t take relationship stress too personally.   If your partner snaps about household clutter because they’re stringing Christmas lights while baking cookies, understand it’s their problem.  Don’t let them take their bad mood out on you but don’t react poorly either.  After all, love is the true intention of the season and it starts with you.

Finally, if you need a gift for a pregnant or new mom,  preview our new book, Life Will Never Be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide at http://www.realmomexperts.com.  It’s filled with great advice for surviving and thriving new motherhood and beyond.  You might enjoy it too!