Category: Thursday “Words of Wisdom”

A Different Take on 9/11

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in September tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

The 9/11 tragedy affected so many people on so many different levels. Of course, there was loss, hatred, patriotism, conspiracy and a myriad of other feelings and consequences that came out of the loss of the World Trade Center in 2001. But what about the people who have birthdays and anniversaries on this significant date? What do they experience every year?

Dora* and Andrew* will have been married 11 years on September 11, 2012. They were married in a modest ceremony in a small town in southeast Texas. They had seriously considered postponing the wedding after watching what had happened that morning. Their friends and family convinced them to go ahead with the weekday wedding, as they didn’t know when Andrew would be available again. He had an offshore job that took him away from home for weeks at a time.

“Even 10 years after the whole World Trade Center thing, we get strange looks if we’re out celebrating our anniversary at a restaurant. We’ve even had one guy tell us that we were heartless for having a good time!” Andrew recalls. “When is this ever going to stop?”

Dora and Andrew are by no means alone. Over 10,000 babies were born on September 11, 2001. As it was a weekday, not as many weddings took place. However in 2004, when 9/11 fell on a Saturday, 8,000 weddings were held across the country. Reasons for choosing this date range from “taking back that day as a happy one,” to “honoring a fallen loved one.”

While birth dates are not as widely chosen as happen by chance, children born on that fateful day will turn 11 years old this year. Amanda*, a rambunctious 4th grader, has always known that something was different about her birthday. “Sometimes, people are sad on my birthday,” she says, frowning. “But everybody at my party is happy!” Her mother, Sandy*, says that she has experienced all kinds of reactions to party invitations she sends home with Amanda’s classmates. “I had one mom call me and yell at me once,” she remembers. “She asked me how I could be so thoughtless – like I had any say in when my daughter was born!” Most people are very gracious, Sandy says. “They realize this is a little girl’s birthday party and nothing else. Amanda hasn’t ever had a bad experience with her birth date.”

Perhaps the country will always mourn each year when September 11 rolls around. But for 10,000 kids and countless couples, that date will be special to them for entirely different – and joyous – reasons.

*Names have been changed for privacy reasons

Welcome to the Holiday Season!?

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in September tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom", Uncategorized

Labor Day has come and gone, signaling the commercial commencement of “The Holidays.” Every year, I feel a little nauseous the first time I see Christmas/Hanukkah items displayed in a store in late-August/early-September. It’s sad, really. I remember a time when “holiday time” started after Halloween and consisted more of family gatherings instead of the shop-fest that it has become.

Instead of reiterating a bunch of advice about avoiding holiday stress, let me instead ask how can you make this early Fall more self-focused? The kids are off at school. Things are slowly starting to settle down. Do you find yourself settling down as well or are you immediately jumping ahead to planning Thanksgiving dinner?

One of the first pieces of advice I remember ever giving my daughter was, “Don’t believe everything you see on TV.” The same goes for all of society’s mass outlets – TV, radio, Internet and stores themselves. If the merchants were to have it their way, we’d buy back-to-school clothes, Halloween candy and costumes, huge turkey dinners, Christmas/Hanukkah gifts and holiday dinners, one right after the other. Family? What family?

As you send your kiddos off to school today, I challenge you to avoid the media – avoid the hype. See what a pre-Fall day can be like with just your thoughts about things, not influenced or controlled what you “should be” thinking forward to. Staying in the present moment is a tried-and-true method for reducing anxiety and tension. So, when you look at right now, what do you see? Thanksgiving? Christmas? Or just September 6, 2012, ready to bring you whatever it brings? This is YOUR “holiday season,” whether it’s already started or not – do what’s best for YOU and YOUR family!

Happy September!

Kids Need Self-Care, Too

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in August Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

One of my daughter’s best friends is Chinese. Her parents came to the U.S. before she was born, so she is an American citizen. Her mother, on the other hand, is holding on tight to the Chinese culture. This causes heavy distress for Jane* as she tries to make Mom happy while fitting in with her friends. I call this phenomenon, which happens more than you would think, Cultural Gap. Jane is falling right into it.

As I watch how things go in Jane’s household, I realize just how high her mother’s expectations are for her. If she makes an 89 on a paper or test, she gets sent to a tutor. She is expected to excel in all areas, and is taking an art class taught by a famous Chinese artist. As you can imagine, Jane is quite miserable sometimes, and she and her mom butt heads constantly.

In this case, the main player is culture. Jane and her mom are having a tough time navigating between Chinese and American cultures. Yet, I see plenty of American children going through similar experiences, being held to impossible expectations and being punished for a “B”. Just look around on the Internet and you’ll find all kinds of studies about how kids these days are more stressed than ever.

Our readers with kids in school, have you noticed if your child or children are extra stressed? Have you evaluated your expectations? Have you spoken to your child about how he/she is feeling? As parents, we sometimes get so focused on external achievements, like grades and extracurriculars, that we overlook the consequences they can have on our offspring.

One thing that my family does to lower stress is limit our 13 year-old daughter’s extracurriculars to 2 activities. We also went from the “you must take all Pre-AP [advanced placement] classes” to “take whatever classes you can handle.” Our daughter has a special situation. As the child of 2 anxious parents, she has developed OCD. So it is especially important to us to help her manage her stress, and knowing that our expectations are meetable definitely helps.

If you have dealt with, or are currently dealing with, a stressed-out child, what advice would you give to other parents as to how to help manage the stress?

*Name changed to protect privacy

A Not-So-Secret Anxiety Remedy

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in August Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

I was in session yesterday with a young lady who has been dealing with anxiety and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) for most of her life. I’ve been working with her for quite a while, and we’ve tried all kinds of coping mechanisms. In her session, she told me that she thinks she has found THE coping tool that has significantly reduced her symptoms. She had been discouraged after trying progressive muscle relaxation, breathing techniques, thought monitoring/stopping, visualization and a few others. So when she said this, I got excited! What was her favored remedy? Present moment awareness!

Diane and I have written about mindfulness and present moment awareness in the past, and we both agree that this technique is one of the basics of self-care. While it’s true that not all coping tools will work for everyone, this particular exercise, when made habitual, can change lives.

My client is dealing with financial problems, and found herself worked into a panic regularly, wondering how she was going to get enough money to pay her bills. Using present moment awareness, she has been able to tell herself, “The bills are not due today. Right now, all is well. I’ll deal with it when the time comes.” This usually brings her anxiety down and sometimes wipes it completely out!

Of course, some things do require planning ahead, and paying bills can be one of them. My client told me yesterday that she had 2 “out of the blue” opportunities to make extra money, and that would take care of her August bills! She’s now working on maintaining mindfulness, but also having faith that God/The Universe will provide for her, as long as she expects Him/it to.

She said she felt strange when practicing these new thoughts, because her old thought patterns were so negative. It made sense to her that we tend to get what we expect to get out of life. So, if she expects obstacles and depression, that’s what she gets. After getting some “proof” that positive and mindful thoughts DO have a real effect in her life, she’s finding renewed enthusiasm to keep it up!

Hatred is a Heavy Burden

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in August Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

I’ve been astonished at some of the hate being spewed out from my “friends” on Facebook as the Presidential election draws near. It’s great to debate, share opinions and find like-minded people. However, like the race itself, both parties are getting dirty and hateful.

We’ve all felt that hateful feeling at one time or another. Most people say they don’t like feeling that way, but there are always a few that not only like it, but purposely create it. If you carry grudges or find yourself hating someone or something, think about who that is really hurting…YOU.

The subject of your negative feelings is most likely unaware or unaffected by your hatred. But you have to carry it with you all day, every day. It weighs you down, tires you out and makes life in general more difficult.

Politics and religion seem to be the hot topics that elicit such hateful statements. I’ve had to make myself ignore ugly posts and comments because it does stir a lot of anger in me – not because I feel one way or another about the candidates, but the shock at the actions of my “friends.” If you find yourself feeling rageful, hate or carrying a grudge, the best thing you can do for yourself is let it go. The minute you do, you will feel lighter and your stress level will go down. Anything that has those results is definitely self-care! So, gals, let it go and focus on what is really important in your life.

Self-Care Back to School Style

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in August Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Summer is quickly drawing to a close and stores are putting out their “back to school” supplies, uniforms and backpacks. Happy parents can be found perusing these items, while their usually sullen offspring trail behind. After the kids get on the bus, many parents feel that they can finally exhale and take some time for themselves.

Contrary to popular belief, self-care doesn’t require a large amount of time. The payoffs, however, are great. In as little as 15 minutes, a world-weary mom or dad can recharge and gather more energy and enthusiasm to face the day. Some quick activities for self-care are listed below:

  • Enjoy a long, hot bubble bath
  • Read a chapter or two in a “just-for-me” book (no reading for work)
  • Write a letter to a friend, snail mail style
  • Take a power nap
  • Watch an episode of a favorite 30-minute television show
  • Do a 15-minute yoga routine
  • Meditate
  • Write in a journal or diary
  • Draw, paint or color a picture
  • Complete a crossword puzzle

While these suggestions are easily done in a 15 – 30 minute timeframe, scheduled “me time” activities such as massage and manicures are important, too. If Mom and Dad take care of themselves first, they will have more to offer to their kids and the world.

Can a Video Game Help with Self Care?

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in August Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Recently, a good friend brought a game to my attention. When she said, “You have to check out this game!” my first reaction was, “No thank you…I don’t need another distraction!” I’ve never been much of a gamer, and I think the reason is because I can become obsessive about something fairly easily.

My friend persisted and convinced me to watch the game’s inventor, Jane McGonigal, explain the concept behind her idea. Once I realized that this “game” was really about promoting self-care, I jumped on board and started “playing.”

The game, which can be downloaded from most app stores or played online, is called SuperBetter. I originally chuckled at the name because it sounds like some kind of bad Japanese translation. But as I started playing, I couldn’t think of any name that was better suited for it!

Here’s the gist: like in most games, you are the central character. You can make a “secret identity” if you wish – really it’s a cool way of creating an online persona. You can form alliances with anyone else who is playing the game (it works with people who are not playing, too, but it’s not as effective). You identify your own “bad guys” – the things that are your greatest challenges AND your own “power ups” which are the things that you know make you feel better. It’s basically a guide to making your own personal self-care plan. It does not take a lot of time to play – you can do most things in less than 5 minutes. BUT IT WORKS. I can tell if I have gone a whole day without playing just by checking in with my tension levels.

SuperBetter, at the very least, is a reminder that you need to take care of yourself. But at the most – it can add years to your life, strengthen friendships, problem-solve obstacles and provide a community to share your experiences. If this sounds like something you’d like to experience, make sure to watch Jane’s video to hear her scientifically researched rationale behind the game. Then download the app or visit the SuperBetter site and get ready to feel…well, SuperBetter!

The 5 Best Self-Care Resources on the Net

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in July Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

When it comes to self-care, it can be tough to find resources that are both of quality and informative. In order to make the search easier, here are the 5 best self-care resources on the web (in no particular order):

1. Self-Compassion: A Healthier Way of Relating to Yourself – Dr. Kristin Neff from the University of Texas at Austin provides a comprehensive site with resources, books and exercises in self-care. She also offers guided meditation videos and scripts, as well as research on the topic of self-compassion.

2. Kind Over Matter – this site is run like a community, with forums, free downloadable inspirational material and eBooks. According to the site’s creator, Laura, Kind Over Matter “… [helps readers] lead authentic lives doing what we love & by sharing that, by giving it a voice, we are helping more people step into their dreams & greatness.”

3. Psychology Today – the partner site to Psychology Today magazine contains many articles about self-care, self-compassion, relationships and coping mechanisms for stress.

4. Mindful Self-Compassion – psychotherapist Dr. Christopher Germer, based in Arlington, MA, provides a site that contains free downloadable exercises, free audio meditations, books and the opportunity to sign up for one of his many workshops.

5. Living Self-Care – you’re already here! Our blog, updated bi-weekly, provides tips and exercises that promote self-care. We also have a “self-care challenge” 2 times a year in which everyone is a winner.

The quest for self-care is heating up as people around the globe realize that most of their problems stem from lack of it! While there are other, smaller sites on the topic, the 5 listed above are the most comprehensive and useful for anyone interested in the subject.

Sex: Why We Love It and Why It’s Okay

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in July Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Sex: it’s everywhere! From slacks to soda, the concept of sex is used in print, Internet and TV ads more than any other theme of everyday life. What’s so alluring about the idea of sex and sexy things that draws us to it like moths to a flame?

That is not a simple question to answer, unfortunately. There are so many factors that tie in with the concept of sexuality, there’s no one that can be identified. However, since sex is something all humans have in common, whether it’s the act or the urge to act, just about everyone can relate to the general concept. And when people relate to something, they are more likely to buy it or support it.

There’s also the allure of the “forbidden fruit” or taboo aspect. Humans want things that are considered no-no’s by society. We want to feel individualized and rebellious. Even though sex is way more widely visible in today’s world than it was even 10 years ago, there’s still a stigma attached to it. Sex is something people do behind closed doors; it’s secret. That’s another reason we react the way we do.

In this heat wave, many people are choosing to stay inside in the air conditioning. And, as in the wintertime, when folks are thrown together in such close company, many are heating up the bedroom. Sex is an important part of self-care, as it relieves stress, releases our natural painkillers (called endorphins), and generally elevates our mood. So no matter the reason you find yourself drawn to the concept of sex, keep in mind that it’s part of healthy self-care; and therefore, you are not a pervert for thinking about it!

Happy heat wave!

Self-Care During the Heat Wave

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in July Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Temperatures have been breaking records all over the country due to the extreme heat. Not only is it uncomfortable, but triple-digit temperatures can be the cause of illness and even death if you don’t take care of yourself!

Some self-care techniques may seem obvious when you step outside and immediately start sweating. Stay inside where there’s air conditioning, drink plenty of water, and, if you do have to be outside for more than 15 minutes, wear at leastSun Protection Factor (SPF) 30 sunscreen to protect your skin from dangerous sunburns and seek out shady spots and take breaks often. However, there are some facts about self-care in the heat that many are not aware of.

Pools are popular places for residents to go for relief from the heat. The cool water masks the fact that you are still most likely sweating. Also, the pool water can actually focus ultraviolet (UV) rays on to your skin in a more extreme manner than if you were out of the water. So if you think you have less of a chance of getting burned in the pool, think again. Don’t pass up that SPF 30 or greater sunscreen, and apply it often – about every 30 minutes. This also applies to visits to the beach or a lake!

Cloudy, breezy days also seem to encourage folks to come outside. Many people believe that since it is cloudy, their risk for sunburn is diminished. Unfortunately, UV rays easily penetrate even the thickest cloud cover can can burn skin just as quickly as they would on a clear day.

It is true that the best times of the day to be outside in weather like this is in the mornings before 10 a.m. or in the afternoons after 4 p.m. The sun is not high in the sky during these times and UV rays are not as harsh. However, if you are required to be outside for over one hour during the heat of the day, wearing long sleeved shirts, long pants and a hat will give you the greatest protection. It sounds backwards, but the clothing will protect your skin and will also help absorb moisture from sweat. In this case, it is essential to stop and drink water every 10 – 15 minutes to lessen the chances of experiencing heat exhaustion or heat stroke. It used to be common thought that sugar and caffeine found in sodas and other drinks actually dehydrated the body, but this has been found to be false. However, experts still agree that water is the best option for hydration in temperatures this hot.

It looks like the heat is here to stay for a while, but using the self-care tips outlined above, you and your family can navigate the summer free of sunburns and heat illness.