Tag: coping with stress

Self-Care for New Families and Parents

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Bringing a new baby home often feels overwhelming and exhausting.  The regular feedings of a newborn, physical recovery from birth, and changes in relationships contribute to the shock experienced by new families. A myriad of information on parenting exists and most theories focus on either the needs of the mother or the needs of the baby.   There is no perfect formula to parenting and no answer that works for every family. Viewing parenting as a relationship can help parents navigate a way that works for their family.

The relationship between a mother and child is symbiotic.  The needs of both members must be met consistently and appropriately or the relationship is jeopardized.  Ensuring the mother is physically, emotionally, and spiritually nourished is essential to her well-being.  When a mother’s needs are unmet, she may feel resentful, depressed, or overwhelmed. When a mother is unbalanced, she cannot provide the positive energy needed for her infant and soon neither party is nurtured optimally.

Self-care is an important part of wellness and feeling positive towards the mothering role. Self-care may include exercise, innercise(breathing, yoga and meditation practices), good nutrition, and activities that make the mother feel energized and good about herself. Couples must take the
time to nurture one another.   When the needs of the mother, baby and couple are met successfully, parents feel confident and families become stronger. Finding the balance and harmony is more important than following a prescribed method of parenting.

Today’s guest author is Jamie Bodily, postpartum doula.

Independence From the Myths of Motherhood And Being A Parent

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings, Press Release

Since it’s Independence Day, we thought we’d stick with that theme. In our book, “Life Will Never Be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide,” we talk about the myths and realities of being a mom/parent in the first chapter. We did this to help liberate moms/parents from our idealized expectations  of motherhood and replace them with a more accurate, balanced view.

One mom told us, “When I thought of becoming a mother, I pictured myself singing to my baby and walking her in her stroller, happy all the time, thoroughly enjoying being a mom. When that didn’t happen, I blamed myself. I looked at my daughter certain that someone else could take better care of her than me. Yet all my life I had wanted to be a mom. What was wrong with me?”

Of course, nothing was wrong with this mom but like many of us she didn’t know that motherhood would be “the most demanding job ever.” In truth, “parenting is tough work. Being a mother is being in the trenches, mucking out the stalls, completing tasks that are neither glorious or immediately satisfying.” And every mother/parent knows this.

Likewise it’s true of many myths we have like getting married and living happily ever after or finding the perfect job and staying there. None of these happen without much effort and hard work.

So let’s release our myth of motherhood bliss and embrace what is. For more strategies, visit www.realmomexperts.com to order our book.

Post-Birth Stress and New Moms

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

You’ve survived nine months, have a beautiful baby in your arms
and can’t stop crying. If you’re feeling depleted, you’re not alone.
Motherhood is profoundly fulfilling but can be the most stressful and
demanding activity you’ll have.

The media tends to ignore the challenges faced and instead gives out
chirpy advice. Worse yet, it tends to make moms feel like it’s
their fault they’re run down.

Practicing self-care should be more than just a mantra. I called for
self-care to be a revolution. Perhaps there is a happy medium that’s
attainable.

Self-care is more meaningful than “chirpy advice.” Since we can’t add more hours to our day (who’d really want to) new parents should create a regimen of self-care that works for their family. Not every piece of advice is going to work for everyone.

Consider these solutions:
• Delegate household responsibilities
• Consider “outsourcing” household responsibilities
• “Plan” your life by calendaring and making solid choices
• Get rid of what doesn’t work in your daily lives
• Go for quality not quantity and relax
• Mandate “breaks” for yourself and really take them
• Reduce stress by exercising

Choose what sounds good and put it into action.

Today’s guest author is Mollee Bauer, founder of Pregnancy.org which gives moms the tools they need to empower themselves, feel safe and get advice on how to take care of, pamper, and check-in with themselves. These tools help them conquer their challenges. We welcome you to join us!

When Did “NO” Become a Dirty Word? The Value of Setting Limits

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

I was watching an episode of House Hunters where a couple who had already lost $30,000 on their last house looked at a house which was $70,000 over their budget. I said to my husband they would never choose that house and he said, “They will.” And they did.

How did sanity lose out to granite counters and double sink vanities? When did we decide that we deserve what we want regardless of the consequences? How can we expect our children to control themselves when we don’t?

The same week I was sitting on a plane next to an older mom whose children were in their 20’s. We talked about the rules and expectations we had for our children which garnered me the title “meanest mom on the block.” We agreed that it’s more important to be a “parent” than a “friend” and that our children had turned out the better for it.

But parents today seem afraid to say “no.” Whether it’s putting their baby down to sleep when they’re crying, timing their 3 year-old out for yelling, or telling their 13 year-old they can’t do something just because everyone else is. They seem more concerned about their children liking them and not fussing at them, than being firm with clear expectations and rules. Has life has become so stressful we lack the energy to stand up and not give in?

So, let’s learn to say “no” to ourselves and our children. Limit-setting promotes responsibility and self-reliance. Valuable qualities, indeed.

Spare Your Sanity; Save Yourself-Part 2

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Here’s part 2 of what you can do to maintain your health and sanity.

  1. Ask for help.  Speak with family and friends about how they can help especially if you’ve just had a new baby.  Be direct about the kinds of help you will appreciate, both childcare assistance and emotional support.  Research has shown that you benefit most from support if it’s what you need, not what others might imagine you need.
  2. Nurture your sense of humor.  The ability to step back and laugh at life’s challenges and frustrations is an asset.  If you can see anything funny in what you’re going through, imagine looking back on this scene two or three years from now.   Believe it or not, some of your worst days now will make great stories later on.
  3. Self-Acceptance:  One of the hardest habits is learning to love ourselves wholly with our strengths and limitations.  Practice unconditional love and positive regard towards yourself because you are a unique, special person.  For no other reason than that.  Don’t compare yourself to other moms.  Make your motherhood and life journey your own.

If you can practice one or two of these habits weekly, kudos to you.  If there’s one which appeals to you, try it 2-3 times a week or daily for 10-15 minutes.  Make it your goal over the next few months to experiment with adding each of these to your weekly/daily life.  Remember, motherhood is a lifetime journey and self-care is the key to emotional health and happiness.

Spare Your Sanity; Save Yourself-Part 1

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

While this article was originally written for new moms, it offers advice which all women can benefit from. If you don’t have children, think of all the people in your life you care for and how that affects you.  All women need self-care to stay healthy and sane.

7 Sanity Saving Tips:

  1. Care for your children by caring for yourself.  Practice our “Five A Day.”  Eat, sleep, get regular physical activity, rest/take breaks and connect with yourself and others.  Put your oxygen mask on first, so you have the energy and vitality to be the mom your children deserve.
  2. Take three to four hours a week for “me-time.”  You may think you can run full-tilt 24/7, but your body and mind was not designed for this.  You need periods of rest-oration for optimal health.  Without refilling your pitcher, you will feel depleted, exhausted, impatient and resentful.
  3. Know yourself.  The greater your need for control, the more likely you are to come unraveled as a mom when life runs itself.  Try cutting back before children.  Start removing items from your “to-do list” and prioritizing what is truly important.  Practice not having things “just so” for improved adjustment.
  4. Notice your accomplishments (even if no one else does).  Put your attention on what you’re getting done instead of where you’re falling short.  Keep a jar and every time you do something, drop a coin in.  Change a diaper-a coin, feed your baby-a coin, bathe your baby-a coin.  It adds up fast.

Part 2 next Monday 🙂

Pick Your Pie

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

“For those of you who feel overwhelmed and yet can’t see what you could eliminate from your schedule, I’d like to address a few things here. First, I want you to know that life really isn’t a competition. I think we can all agree that a little competitiveness is good-it motivates, keeps us on our toes and helps us do our best. But when you feel everything you do is being compared to someone else, it can make you a little crazy!

I’m not knocking being the best at something. But there are tons of other positions in life. You’re probably familiar with them despite killing your Self to be number one. I’m urging you right now to just do the best you can (and let your kids do the same) and then relax.

Instead of ‘putting your fingers in so many pies’ I’m urging you to limit your kids’ activities to one, maybe two, things a week. Just think how much more family time you’ll have! I’m urging you to choose one, maybe two volunteer activities you feel passionate about and let the others go. You will find you have more time and energy than you’ve had in a long time. Believe me when I say no one is judging you for what you are or aren’t doing. Everyone is too wrapped up in their own lives to give yours more than a brief notice.”

Today’s author is Stacey Glaesmann, MA, LPC. Her book is What About Me?

Motherhood and Guilt

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

 When I went to write this post before my children, ages 19 and 23 had dinner, my husband said to me, “What kind of mother are you?” because I put a bag of lettuce on the table with dressing and left.  Now my children are certainly old enough to put it in a bowl for themselves; however, as a younger mom I would have chastised myself for not serving it “right.”  While those days are mostly behind me, this inspired me to write about  guilt and motherhood, borrowing from our book, “Life Will Never Be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide .”     

“It’s a difficult task to try to maintain your pre-baby life…You may feel as if you never have enough time for everything you want to do.  If you neglect your own needs or your partner or your job, you feel guilty.  And you feel guilty if you put any of those priorities above the baby’s needs.  Guilt just comes with the territory at times.”

Now, substitute whatever stage of parenting pertains to you.  It’s all the same.  Moms everywhere feel they’re falling short, resulting in GUILT.  So, here’s what we recommend.  First, “focus on what you accomplish rather than what you leave undone.”  Second, “you may also need to lower your standards and set less ambitious goals for a while,” like me with the salad.  Finally, find other moms in similar situations for support and validation.

Try our friends at Working Moms Against Guilt for a great web resource.  And forget the salad bowl.

Mindfulness: Make Each Day Count

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D., creator of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) used worldwide to improve health and enhance wellness defines mindfulness as “Paying attention to the present moment on purpose as if your life depended on it in a non-judgemental way.”  It is slowing our lives down to notice what’s happening as its occurring instead of worrying about the future or  dwelling in the past.

Research indicates mindfulness contributes to improved physical health, greater immunity, less pain from chronic health conditions, shorter recovery times from surgery and many other mind-body benefits including decreased stress and better moods.  All it takes is time and consistent practice for it to work.

Since it’s summertime, here’s a fun way to practice.  Takie a good piece of chocolate, at least Dove, and mindfully eat it.  To start, observe the chocolate and how it appears.  Then sniff it and notice the aroma.  Feel the texture and surface of it.  Pay attention to the sounds your body makes as you draw the chocolate near.  Finally, put it in your mouth and savor the flavor, texture, taste and total sensory experience.  Mindfulness in action.

This week dedicate 10 minutes daily to pay full attention to the present moment: playing with your child, sitting/walking outside, sipping coffee/tea, washing the dishes or showering.  Any activity is an opportunity to cultivate mindfulness as long as you are fully aware of it with all your senses.  As Kabat-Zinn suggests, treat it as though “your life depended on it” and you will succeed.

New and Improved: “Words of Wisdom”

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Wednesday Wisdom

Just a quick reminder that we’re moving Wednesday Wisdom to Words of Wisdom on Thursday.  Thursday’s post will be about spirituality and self-care by a woman we admire who at 60 went back to get her Masters in Divinity.  Her story and life are an inspiration and we know you’ll enjoy what she has to say.

In the meantime, we couldn’t let you leave empty-handed.  Here are some thoughts about self-care from Vimala McClure’s The Tao of Motherhood.

“Taking care of yourself is your right and your responsibility.  If a mother values herself, her children value her.  She teaches self-esteem by her example.  Her peaceful demeanor communicates love to all who come in contact with her.

 Knowing when to sacrifice the self and when to nurture the self comes with daily mindfulness.  Pay attention to your body’s signals.  Observing your feelings each day, eventually you will be able to take time for yourself before it before it becomes an angry demand.  This enables you to give of yourself appropriately, without resentment.”

Wise words to live by.  Join us Thursday for our new and improved “Words of Wisdom.”  We welcome your contributions so send them along.