Tag: real mom experts

We Can Only Control Ourselves, or NERDS RULE!

Posted on by StaceyD in Thursdays with Stacey

jgreenIt’s no secret that most people make their own stress. We worry over things, which accomplishes nothing, and ruminate about the past, which is equally useless. I’m pretty good at catching myself when I am out in the worry-zone. This is a result of years of practicing present-moment awareness, which is something that I find extremely useful to manage my stress. My daughter, however, is another story.

She is a freshman in high school and a bit of an over-achiever (I have NO idea where she gets THAT from!). My husband and I both have been diagnosed with anxiety disorders, so we made a special effort to raise her in a laid-back atmosphere, which also helped us chill out. She seemed to be pretty mellow until about 6th grade, when the homework increased. And when I say increased, I’m talking going from an hour or so nightly to 4+ hours of homework every night. Part of the reason that happened is because she took many more pre-AP (pre-advanced placement) classes than she had before. This sent her into overdrive in junior high. Her anxiety levels got so high and she was so distressed that we got her some help from a therapist and a psychiatrist. That seemed to help a lot…until high school.

Now, she gets very upset if she makes a low A or (heaven forbid) a B in a class on her report card, progress report or even an individual assignment. I was obviously concerned with this unnecessary standard she has for herself, so I asked her why. She claimed that “everybody” already knew what University they were going to and what they were going to major in. She was worried that she wouldn’t be “good enough” to get into whatever college or University she decided to go to (and yes, she has some choices picked out). All I could think of was my 9th grade self, totally oblivious to colleges and majors. After all, I was a freshman. My college kind of got picked out for me when I was a Senior because I got a free ride to Blinn Junior College for graduating in the top 10% of my class (I still don’t know where that overachiever gene comes from). And even after I transferred to the University of Houston, I changed my major a couple of times. I always thought that college was where you figured out “what you wanted to be when you grew up.”

My daughter tells me that times have changed and that things are just more competitive than they used to be. That may be true; I have seen evidence of it in my readings and from parents of other (and older) high schoolers. But that pressure is nothing compared to what she puts on herself. I have a friend who teaches at my daughter’s high school and she told me that the friends that my daughter hangs out with are the “high stress” crowd. You know, the nerds. While I am proud that my kid has such great taste in friends (Who rules the world? Mean girls? No…NERDS!), their influence seems to be counterproductive to my daughter’s overall stress management.

It’s been my challenge to try and explain this to my sweet girl. Nothing I say seems to get through, to the point of frustration. She knows about present-moment awareness and uses it in extreme anxiety situations. She knows it works. But she won’t or can’t use it when it comes to her future. As a parent, it kills me slowly inside to see my daughter suffering while I hold the key to the “cure.” But I can’t make her take it. She has to get there on her own. The only thing I can do is be supportive of her, answer her questions honestly and tell her that I’m proud of her. Oh yeah, and stay in my own present moment, even if she won’t. I am the adult with more life experience and I know that this, too, shall pass.

Namaste’

nerdfighters

The Science Behind a Happy Relationship

Posted on by StaceyD in February tips, Tuesday Tips

I had the honor of being a “pioneer” at Happify, which is a site (an app) that uses scientific methods to help the user increase his/her happiness levels. They have just released this infographic, and I am “happy” to share it with you!

Click on the image below to view the entire thing.

happifystatic

Self-Care and Recovery from Postpartum Depression

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Guest blogger, Self-Care Month, Self-Care Saturdays

coordinator-cor-meyerToday’s Self-Care Month Guest Post is courtesy of Linda Meyer. Linda is a mother of two, a Postpartum Depression survivor and a Missouri Co-Coordinator for Postpartum Support International. Thank you for your words of wisdom, Linda!

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The term self-care was not even on my radar as a new mom. You give birth and this becomes your 24 hr/day job until eternity, right? No more lazy mornings, naps, lingering showers, uninterrupted meals, or socializing with friends.

Imagine that you are performing a monotonous mommy routine all day every day without thinking about yourself or your needs; you’re losing yourself.  Three months postpartum, motherhood became tremendously more difficult and overwhelming than I ever imagined. In fact, I was not in love with my new role, completely unaware that I was actually suffering from Postpartum Depression (PPD).  I did eventually seek help (not an easy task!). After receiving a diagnosis, I began working with a healthcare provider and a therapist, and self-care became instrumental in my recovery.

Here are some simple self-care suggestions for the new mom:

  • Get out by yourself without your baby (It’s okay to do this, I promise!)
  • Shower/get dressed
  • Eat a healthy diet and exercise
  • Talk with a therapist/counselor (important for emotional distress)
  • Stay in touch with supportive friends (or make new friends)
  • Sneak in a date night every so often
  • Occasionally ask a relative/friend to take your baby overnight (It’s okay to do this, really!)

It doesn’t matter if you choose to do one or several steps listed here. Choose whatever makes you happy, helps you relax and reminds you of the person you were before you became MOM.

Guest Blogger Sherry Duson, MA – “Speaking of Time”

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Guest blogger, Self-Care Month, Self-Care Saturdays

phpThumb_generated_thumbnailjpgWelcome to Self-Care Month! We’re proud to present our readers with our first Saturday guest blogger, Sherry Duson, MA. Sherry holds Professional Counselor and Marriage and Family Therapist licenses in Texas and she’s also a State of Texas board-certified clinical Supervisor for both licenses. She’s about to expand her practice to include The Center for Postpartum Family Health. You can read more about Sherry at SherryDuson.com or on Facebook.

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Do you ever find yourself running through your day at a pace that leaves you exhausted?  Are you frantically trying to cram in more errands or mark one more item off of your to-do list, only to find it leaves you depleted and spent?  For most women, our relationship with “time” is a complicated one. This leads me to an item of self-care which I believe is not discussed often enough, which is our conscious use of TIME.  Perhaps it is a remnant of the deeply embedded American work ethic, but many of us corrupt the quality of our days by taking on more to do than is realistic, and then carry a mantra of negative self-talk about not getting enough done.  This year might be a good time to re-think your relationship with time, and make the adjustments necessary to help you feel that you run your day instead of it running you.

I would challenge you to find a pace which is realistic for YOUR UNIQUE SELF, based on an honest assessment of your energy and stamina and a conscious decision to adjust accordingly.  If you have no idea of how much is too much, you may need to start with a little self-discovery.  Begin by taking inventory of your well-being throughout the day. Take a break every two hours and take a quick check of how you are feeling in that moment.  Just give yourself a number on a scale of 1-10. Notice how it changes throughout the day. If you start your day at a high number and then it deteriorates throughout the day, ask yourself why.  The answer is often some sort of self-judgment about your perceived lack of accomplishments.

Once you know a bit more about how you feel during your day, consider the tasks you lay out before you.  Are you asking yourself to conduct your day with a sense of nurture and self-preservation? Or is guilt driving your choices, making you feel badly about every lack of accomplishment? One way to figure this out is to ask yourself what you would say to a good friend if you saw her going through her day at a frantic, maybe even damaging pace. If you really loved your friend, you might say something like, “Wow, you are really hard on yourself! Why don’t you slow down and relax? You don’t have to do it all today. I am concerned about you, and I don’t like seeing you so stressed out!”  Now, consider being your own best friend.  Cultivate that feeling of love and nurturing towards yourself.  Chances are if you can do that, you will be more forgiving and less judgmental about what you do or don’t accomplish.

Finally, ask yourself how you would like to feel at the end of your day.  Do you want to be able to have a little patience and reserve left over for your family and loved ones? If so, it may require altering your day, so that you can do just that.  Connection with others requires some energy and patience.  If you have run yourself ragged all day, chances are nothing will be left over for those you care most about. Make the adjustments necessary to be your “best” self with those who matter most to you.

In closing, I remind us all that an important feature of self-care is to take responsibility of those aspects of our daily lives that we have control over. Your schedule is probably one of those things  Sometimes the reason we over-extend ourselves with commitments and appointments is because we are afraid to ask for help, or can’t admit we are doing too much. Once we set a realistic expectation for our day based on what we know of our personal energy capacity, we need to work to quiet any guilty feelings which accompany it, and tell ourselves that it is okay.  Perfection is not the goal.  Going through the day using a pace that works for us and those we love is a goal worth pursuing!

Media-Driven Mental Health Stigma: How We Can Help Stop It

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Mental Health Education, Thursdays with Stacey

I was not feeling well recently and so I had time to catch up on my “guilty pleasure” reading. In the December 23, 2013 issue of Star Magazine, there was a long article called, “Olivia Newton-John: No Regrets.” I’ve liked Olivia since I saw Grease when I was a kid, so I took the time to read it.

The paragraphs under the heading “Tragic Turns” mentioned Ms. Newton-John’s divorce in 1995, adding that, “She later admitted to undergoing therapy after the divorce.” Further down the page, the article reported that her partner of 9 years post-divorce disappeared during a fishing trip and that, “Olivia has admitted to taking anti-depressants during the dark period that followed. ‘I took them until I could see the light again and never did them again,’ she said.”

Is it just me or do you get a certain message “between the lines” because of the language that was used? The World English Dictionary defines admit as, “To confess or acknowledge (a crime, mistake, etc).” Basically, that means to acknowledge something negative. And when someone says they “never did [a drug] again,” it generally alludes to a dangerous or illegal substance, right? In any case, it sounds very negative once again.

Unfortunately, this is not the only media outlet to use language like this. The January 13, 2014 issue of People Magazine featured a 3-page spread about “America’s Dumbest Criminals.” The first on the list was Hannah Sabata, a young woman who robbed a bank and stole a car, then proceeded to make a video about it and upload it to YouTube. On the surface, it does sound not-so-bright; however, further down the paragraph, it was stated that Sabata was mentally ill. She was quoted as saying, “…I was just manic…” This may mean that she suffers from Bipolar Disorder. In a manic state, people deal with impulsivity and dangerous behaviors. It’s not because they’re dumb; it’s because they are ill.

So what can we do when we come across things like this? I took the time to email letters to the editors of both magazines. I don’t know if they’ll be printed or not, but they probably will be read by someone. Perhaps that will create a ripple effect. I am also canceling my subscription to People (the Star magazine was given to me by someone else). I cannot in good conscience support a magazine that perpetuates the stigma.

If you’re tired of the media making self-care, self-help, therapy and psychiatry out to be shameful, then take a stand. When you come across something like the examples above, please take some time to write to the editor, contact the station manager or webmaster. If one single person hears you, then perhaps eventually the whole country will.

Blessings to you and yours!

Losing the Family Illusion and Finding Freedom

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Thursdays with Stacey

I just finished reading a most excellent memoir entitled Mother Daughter Me, by Katie Hafner. I was barely able to put it down, highlighting half of it using the nifty feature on my Kindle for iPad app. My own mother currently lives with my husband, my daughter, and me and I am resonating all over the place with Hafner’s tale.

Removing my loving husband from the equation, I am the meat in a multi-generational female sandwich. My mother would probably be sourdough, while my daughter would be some exotic bread that made your mouth explode with happiness. I think I am pretty much the bologna: tasty enough, but mostly a barrier between the condiments and the bread.

I was very anxious last year when the idea of my mother coming to reside with us was broached. As in any family, there was some history there that I wasn’t too sure what to do with. Yet, Mom was getting forgetful and falling down more often. Neither one of us was ready to consider the dreaded “assisted living” facilities that dot the city, yet it was obvious that she needed to not be alone.

The decision made, we converted our guest room into Mom’s bedroom, which made her my teenage daughter’s next door neighbor and new bathroom-mate. I already had visions of my kid and her friends keeping my mother awake all night or my mom leaving her dentures in the middle of my daughter’s makeup set. Fortunately, they have worked all that out on their own.

What I am now discovering is that my mother can work out things on her own. When she first moved in, I hovered constantly, “translating” what she said to my husband and daughter while they looked at me like I was a freak. I realized that I had the mother that I grew up with stuck in my head, not the pleasant, elderly woman that stood before me now. Old habits die hard, I suppose.

My “job” in my family growing up was to be the buffer – the peacemaker. My mother had undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder and dealt with her tumultuous feelings by dulling them with alcohol for many years. Even after she received the proper diagnosis and found a good medication regimen, there were times that she was just, well, bat-shit crazy. My father dealt with this mostly by going to work early in the morning and coming home after dark and attending to various “projects” on the weekends that kept him outside and busy.

While I know now that they both did the best they could with the resources they had at the time, as an only child, I more than once felt that I had been dealt a pretty bad hand. I learned how to finish an abandoned dinner after my mother had passed out. I even learned how to serve it on a plate to my father with a smile, like nothing was wrong. I learned how to listen to their separate rants and agree that the other was a complete jerk. I kept the peace. And so, I thought that would automatically be my role now that one of my parents was going to live with me.

My, how wrong I was! Not only was it unnecessary for me to keep the peace, I learned that it was essential for me to get out of the way and let my mother forge her own relationships with my husband and daughter. The drunken, unreasonable, embarrassing mother was nowhere to be found! She’s still a little bat-shit crazy, but who am I to judge since I obviously got half of my genes from her? I’m sure my daughter calls me similar things, because – I admit it – I can be quite insane sometimes. Whether it’s giggling hysterically at a fart joke, being irrational or communicating ineffectively, there’s a lot of “crazy” in me, too. I think we all have a little bit of that je ne sais quoi brand of nuts in us; that makes us human.

There’s a quote in Hafner’s memoir that really struck a chord with me:

“What stands between me and the person I would like to be is this illusion of perfect love between my mother and me. It is a lie I can no longer afford.” – Nancy Friday, from My Mother/ My Self.

That’s what I am slowly stepping away from – the illusion. Not only the thought that my mother and I could have a perfect love, because human love is never perfect; but from the illusion that she is still today who she was back then. And with this understanding, I realize that I don’t have to be bologna anymore.

I Can Juggle 3 Chainsaws and a Bowling Ball! How About You?

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in December Tips, M3 Blog Carnival

M3Carnivalsimple

I’m happy to be participating in the Mogul, Mom and Maid Blog Carnival! To read other articles, visit Hello Ladies.

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For the last four or five decades, women have taken on more roles in society. We can work outside the home in fields other than secretarial and nursing. There are female CEOs and upper managers, doctors, lawyers and sanitation workers. All of this is well and good, but it gave birth to the whole issue of “juggling” in our lives. Can we be excellent women, wives/partners, mothers, employees/bosses and homemakers all at the same time? Of course, this gives rise to a bigger question: why do we feel the need to strive to “master” this juggling act?

I’ll be honest here; I’m a bit of a rogue. I haven’t watched a news program in over ten years or a full commercial in over two. I don’t vote (no need to comment on this; I’ve heard the lecture hundreds of times) and I dislike organized religion. Basically, anything that society tells me I need to have, think or do, I usually do the opposite (with the exception of watching Breaking Bad and The Blacklist [recorded on DVR so I can skip the commercials], if I’m to strive for full disclosure). However, there was a time not so long ago when I was totally into the circus routine.

I experienced severe postpartum depression and panic disorder after my daughter was born. I had always been pretty “Type A” and a baby just blew away any predictability, structure and routine that I had for myself. It was a dark time, but I got better with treatment. I went straight back to the routine: I got up at 5:00am to get ready for work, get the baby up, fed and dressed. I’d drop her off at day care and then drive to the gym. I’d work out for an hour, shower, dress, and put make-up on and get to work by 8:00am. I’d work until 5 or 5:30pm, drive home, pick up the baby, make dinner, tidy up the house (unless it was Thursday; on Thursday I cleaned the entire house because I didn’t want to give up a weekend day to do it) and swap out baby care with my husband until I fell into bed, exhausted, somewhere between 10 and 11:00pm. I did this every day for over a year.

I think back on that time now and wonder how the heck I did it. I don’t feel particularly proud of that juggling act; it’s more like a feeling of disbelief. Not only how did I do it, but why? Now that I am older and have gotten in touch with my genuine self, that time in my life seems so shallow. In an attempt to please everyone, I was basically committing slow suicide by adrenaline. I was irritable all the time! Yet, the idea of “having it all” continuously played over and over in my head, and I believed I was doing it.

What I was doing was living for everyone else except me. Young children do need fairly constant attention, but I found that annoying. As a result, I didn’t really enjoy being a mother. I have mourned that time and have let it go, but that was really tough to accept. My daughter is a teenager now, but we’re pretty close. Thankfully, my lack of enthusiasm didn’t prevent her from loving her mommy anyway. I guess I was good enough.

Hindsight is always 20/20 and if I could do it all over again, I would make some changes. For all of you young mothers out there trying to conquer the world, here’s some advice from a seasoned one. Please don’t make the same mistakes I made!

  • Excellence isn’t perfection. If you’re doing the best you can at the time, even if your best sucks, then you’re achieving excellence.
  • Take care of yourself first. Believe it or not, the housework, dishes, etc. will be there tomorrow (unless you have an awesome partner or a maid).
  • A cluttered house is indicative that children live there. It’s okay.
  • If at all possible, find meaningful work in an area that you’re passionate about. Whether that means volunteering or outside employment, make sure that you love what you’re doing.
  • Quit comparing yourself to other women. You’ll always lose. Plus, many women are great actors and are thinking that you’re more awesome than they are!
  • Stop caring what other people think. You’ll never catch up to those “Joneses” because they do not exist. If someone doesn’t approve of what you’re wearing, how you act or how dirty your house is, then they don’t need to be in your life.
  • Be honest with yourself. If you are resentful toward your kids or your spouse, work through it with a professional. It not only hurts your relationships, but it slowly erodes your self-esteem.

Of course, all this is easier said than done. However, I am living proof that it is achievable. It took time, honesty about myself, accepting some unpleasant facts about my childhood and rebuilding my esteem to fit my genuine self. There are so many wonderful Life Coaches and therapists out there that would be honored to help you find insight into your life!

Personal growth is a life-long process. However, it is very nice to be content with this phase of my life. It is my wish that you find your peace, realize how important you are, and jump off of that merry-go-round if you’re on it. You’re already excellent, my friend!

How to Control What You Can and Let Go of the Rest

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in November tips, Thursdays with Stacey

Here’s my latest Examiner.com article. You can see the original post HERE.

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Everyday stressors, such as broken appliances, leaving a bag of groceries at the store, and even stubbing a toe can build up into a big bundle of stress if we let them. Each thing in itself may be just a minor inconvenience, but when several things happen in a short period of time, it leaves one wondering if this chain of events is some type of punishment from Beyond.

Spiritual beliefs aside, it is very important to deal with each stressor as it happens. Even if there is nothing you can do about the situation at the moment, you can make sure that you perceive it in a healthy way, which will minimize the stress hormones in your body. That, in turn, will help you feel calmer, and over the long run, will give you the benefits of better physical and mental health.

As an example, let me tell you about what’s been going on in my life lately. Two weeks ago, one of our beloved dogs passed away. A week later, my daughter’s pet hamster died. The next weekend, I found out that an old friend of mine had passed away from a motorcycle accident. “I wonder what’s going to die next,” I remember thinking. The next day, my washing machine died.

Had one thing happened with lots of time in between the next, I would have had proper time to process the situation and moved toward acceptance of the loss. However, the day I started feeling a little better about losing our dog, the hamster died. He was an old, spoiled hamster, and his death wasn’t totally unexpected, but when added to the grief I still had to process about the dog, the rodent’s passing was all of a sudden very tragic to me. Not two days later, I heard about my friend. When the washer conked out, I had to laugh at the answer to my question about what would die next!

Believe me, laughing at the washer was a choice. There are four people that live in my home, along with a small zoo of furry friends, so an inoperable washer is a huge inconvenience. When I figured out that it was really broken, I thought about the question I had posed to the Beyond. I could have gotten frustrated or enraged or depressed. But I thought that I’d much rather have an appliance “die” than another person or pet. So, in a way, the fact that the machine broke was a blessing.

Don’t get me wrong: I did have a few really bad days. One day, I had a hard time getting out of bed because of the crushing grief. I was able to sit with the feelings and write about them. I accepted them as they came and remembered that they would pass. While I still have moments of sadness that seemingly strike from out of nowhere, I allow myself to feel them and cry if I need to. There is no “proper” time period for grief.

The broken washer gave me an opportunity to be pro-active. I couldn’t control the fact that my pets and friend were gone, but I did have some control over the appliance situation. I found a wonderful website called justanswer.com, which has hundreds of experts in many different fields on hand to answer questions about various things. They hooked me up with appliance expert Chas, and he helped me order the proper part, sent me a video that showed how to install it and helped me troubleshoot the machine after the part was installed. Now, the machine is functional, and I feel accomplished and proud, which are great counter-feelings to grief.

Next time you’re having “one of those days (or weeks or months),” make sure to carve out time just for yourself so that you can process each thing individually. If the situation is beyond your control, as most situations are, it’s healthiest to just accept it. That sounds easy, but it’s not. If you need some questions to ask yourself so that you can objectively prove that acceptance is the “proper” thing, feel free to use these:

  • How does this situation make me feel?
  • Am I OK with feeling this way for a while? (If the answer is yes, then you’ve already gotten to acceptance.)
  • Will these feelings hurt me in the long run (e.g. put stress on me)?
  • Is there anything that I can do to fix this situation? (If the answer is yes, then take the steps you need to in order to get things “right” again, like I did with researching my washer.)
  • If there’s nothing I can do about this, who is being hurt the most by my feelings?
  • Have I been able to sit and experience my feelings without running away from them?
  • How can I look at this situation differently so that I feel healthier feelings?

Moving through stressful, unhealthy feelings toward acceptance takes practice, as many of our stress-producing thoughts are very automatic. However, it is possible to find the “silver lining” or “lesson” in every situation, given enough time. Just remember that the one thing that stays the same in life is change. This too shall pass, my friend.

Pumpkin seeds: A way to scare off symptoms of anxiety and depression

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Mental Health Education, Natural Health, November tips

Please enjoy this article that I wrote for Examiner.com! The original article may be found here.

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According to many organic/natural websites and a study published in the British Journal of Psychiatry, one effective way to combat mood symptoms comes straight from the ol’ Jack-O-Lantern: Pumpkin seeds!

The seeds that come from pumpkins are packed with L-Tryptophan, which is an amino acid that is a precursor to Melatonin, which is essential for sleep. This is especially true for older folks, as Melatonin production decreases naturally over time in the body. The seeds also contain fats that covert to 5-HTP, which is metabolized into Serotonin. Many people who experience the symptoms of anxiety and/or depression have low Serotonin levels in their brains, which is often the root cause of the symptoms. Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs), also known as anti-depressants, help build up Serotonin levels in the synapses between neurons in the brain. Popular SSRIs on the market today include Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro and Paxil.

For people who want to try a more natural approach to treatment, pumpkin seeds (as well as squash and other vegetables in the same category) may provide some symptom relief withoutthe use of SSRIs. The same mechanism is at work in the body with both SSRIs and many natural remedies, though the organic sources may be less potent and/or take longer to feel an effect. One important thing to be aware of is that if you are already taking an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety drug prescribed by your doctor, DO NOT add natural/organic remedies to your existing regimen without speaking with your doctor first. Too much Serotonin can be a badthing, leading to Serotonin Syndrome.

The benefits of pumpkin seeds don’t end there. The seeds are a natural anti-parasitic and are regularly used in China to kill tapeworms and roundworms. They contain Phytosterols, which protect the prostate and bladder, as well as add to heart health and may have preventative effects against many types of cancer. The Phytosterols can also help lower “bad” cholesterol. Pumpkin and its seeds have been labeled a “superfood,” along with blueberries, beans, broccoli, walnuts and more.

If you’re interested in trying pumpkin seeds as a natural treatment for anxiety and/or depression symptoms, the list below contains links to recipe websites, as well as links to pre-packaged pumpkin snack bars. Please talk to your doctor FIRST before trying any natural remedy, especially if you are already taking medication.

Enjoy scaring away your unwanted mood symptoms with pumpkin seeds!

Life Lessons on “Good Enough Mother”

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in November Notes, November tips

Hey y’all! I’ve been featured on Good Enough Mother! Here’s the article:

*Are you happy at the moment?

The word “happy” always throws me for a loop.It’s kind of vague, so I have defined what “happy” means to me: inner peace and contentment. So, at this time in my life (age 42, married almost 20 years, 14 year-old daughter), yes, I am happy!

*If you could go back and say anything to your 16-year-old self now – what would it be?

I would tell myself that while everything seems earth shattering now, most of what I get upset about wouldn’t matter in the bigger picture. I would teach myself how to be in the present moment and to not worry so much about what other people think about me, including my parents. I would encourage myself to speak up to my mom and dad instead of burying my feelings deep inside, creating a landmine waiting to explode.

*What’s the most important thing you’ve learned this year?

I’ve been gradually learning that other people’s actions, reactions and general behaviors have nothing to do with me. I’ve been learning this slowly over a couple of years, but it really gelled with me this year. When someone says or does something that stings, I can finally step back, ask myself what (if any) part I had in the interaction and determine what to own and what to walk away from.

*What do you most want to achieve in the next 12 months?

Personally, I want to achieve an almost-constant state of mindfulness. I’ve found that this is the key to inner peace (happiness) for me. Professionally, I would like to start getting paid to write! Socially, I’d like to nurture some important friendships and let go of toxic ones. I want to continue supporting my daughter emotionally with respect and build more emotional intimacy with my spouse.

*What’s your secret to happiness?

I’ve found that as I get older (and maybe wiser), I have learned to pick my battles in many areas of my life. Being in the present moment as much as possible and choosing to look at emotional things objectively has given me a freedom that I have never known. I used to be a people-pleaser and would always put others’ needs in front of my own. I know now that I am the most important person in my life and if I’m not happy, I can’t wear my mom/wife/counselor/writer hats with any real effectiveness.

*What one ritual or practice keeps you grounded?

Staying in the present moment (mindfulness) has been the best tool for me to stay grounded. I wish I could say I am able to stay present all the time, but I can’t. I use mindfulness mostly in situations in which I experience stress and/or negative emotions. I am such an Empath – I feel other people’s feelings – that being able to remove myself from my emotions and look at them objectively has been the key to staying grounded.

*What’s your biggest regret?

I personally don’t believe in regret. Everything that has happened to me, including my own choices and behaviors, has shaped me into the person I am today, which I am generally happy with. I also don’t believe in failure. Not reaching a goal is not really a fail, it’s an opportunity to learn something to apply in the future to get more positive or healthier results. Are there people out there that I’ve hurt? Sure there are! I have done all I can to make nice with the folks I am aware of that I have injured emotionally. If someone is angry with me and doesn’t let me know, there’s not much I can do about it.

*What’s the most important lesson you’ve taught your kid(s)?

I hate to sound like a broken record, but mindfulness has been the biggest lesson I have passed on to my daughter. She has been diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) and is a highly anxious kid. She takes medication, which helps her ability to tap into her natural internal resources. She has told me several times that staying in the present moment helps her overcome her worries, fears and anxiety.

*What bad habit would you most like to change about yourself?

I do not exercise much at all. I’d like to WANT to get out and get moving. I am not overweight and don’t have Diabetes or anything, but while I know that getting my blood pumping will feel great and help deal with stress, it seems I can always find something I want to do more. My motto is, “Follow your bliss,” as Joseph Campell said, but doing this keeps me from being more physically fit.

*Aside from motherhood/fatherhood and marriage what are you most proud of in your life?

I don’t mean to sound cliché, but my personal growth over the last few years is what I am most proud of. I have a long list of achievements and recognition from outside sources and that’s where I used to get my sense of self-worth. But now, even though it’s nice to hear good things at times, I know I am awesome without anyone else having to tell me or even agree with me. I went through postpartum depression when my daughter was born. I believe now that the endless tears, loss of appetite, inability to sleep, constant anxiety and eventually, my suicide plan were all of the feelings I had stuffed for most of my life coming to the surface. I never want to remotely feel like that again. I have bad days just like everyone else, but this was a dark place that I don’t ever want to see again. I was able to take that awful time, go back to school and get my Masters degree in Clinical Psychology and start a private practice specializing in helping new families who are going through the same thing that I did. It’s an amazing feeling to be able to pay it forward (wellnesspearland.com)!

*When were you happiest?

Without a doubt, I am now the happiest I have ever been. For people who are afraid of 40, I say don’t be! It may be the first time in your life that you feel like you may know who you really are! I wrote a book in 2007 about the importance of self-care, but even though I knew intellectually that my words were true, I don’t think I connected them with my heart until recently (wellnesspearland.com/book-store/).

*What ten words best describe you?

Loyal, intelligent, compassionate, clumsy, empathic, free thinking, reasonable, bitchy, independent, and curious. I’m sure if you asked people who know me, you’d get a few others, but hey – this is about me!

Stacey Glaesmann, MA is a Life Coach, freelance writer and author who lives in a suburb of Houston, Texas. She specializes in treating new moms and families with postpartum mood disorders. She has written a book called What About Me? A Simple Guide to Self-Care in the 21st Century and has been published in several online and print media outlets. Samples of her work can be found at http://www.examiner.com/self-help-in-houston/stacey-glaesmann and her website is wellnesspearland.com. Stacey has been happily married for almost 20 years and has a 14 year-old daughter, who is as neurotic as her mother.

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