Tag: self-care

Self-Care Challenge Day 3: Healthy Relationships

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in May Tips

As we like to say at livingselfcare.com, “Self-Care is like chocolate. You can never have enough.” During this week’s self-care challenge we’ll bring you daily tips and inspiration with a chance to win prizes that pamper. Click here to learn more.

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Just like we wear many “hats,” we maintain many different types of relationships: kids, parents, siblings, in-laws, friends. Sometimes it’s easy to avoid or ignore a relationship and let it die. At times, it’s essential to cut ties with people who are unhealthy for you. But what about the people we love, but won’t interact with?

Relationships die for many reasons. Conflict is a big factor in this. I have a friend who moved several years ago. She go that far; her home is just a few hours away (can you tell I live in Texas yet?). But I don’t know what’s going on in her life anymore and she doesn’t know about mine.

This is a woman I’ve known for 15 years. We used to talk about everything and help each other out whenever needed. What happened to us? We had a big argument right after she moved. Neither one of us would budge. Now I feel sad every time I think of her.

I’m afraid to call her. “What if she hates me?” I always think. Most likely this is a distorted thought. I know that if she called me, I would be glad to hear from her. So, I am going to make that call today.

I urge you to reconnect with anyone that is special to you who you have avoided due to conflict. It can be scary to face but most of the time, anger dissolves into relief once you take the steps to reach out.

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For more tips on how to preserve relationship health, check out our friend Mollee Bauer. Mollee is founder of pregnancy.org, a site which offers great advice on pre-conception, pregnancy and post-birth mind-body health. She’s also one of our Challenge Champions!

The Impossibility of Loneliness

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in May Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

National Womens' Health Week

As we’re heading toward the end of National Women’s Health Week, we hope you have taken some time out for your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. We hope you also learned something about what your needs are and how you can help yourself every day live a more stress-free life!

One of the coping techniques that have been backed up with plenty of research is that friends are essential for reducing stress. But what happens if you are disabled and can’t get out of the house…or live way out in rural country…or find it very difficult to make friends? I’m sure we could list many more situations that could interfere with one’s social life. Just over a decade ago, folks had to settle with loneliness or had to come up with very creative ways to interact with others. Today, in the age of instant information, as long as you have a way to get on-line, you have a way to make friends!

Around the turn of the century, as the Internet was becoming more and more popular, random people started writing weblogs – or blogs, for short. The author(s) could write whenever he or she wanted to (Can’t sleep? Write a tirade about Ugandan sweatshops at 2am!), as often as he or she wanted to. But that was just the beginning of what blogs would become. Soon after, free sites like blogger.com and WordPress introduced “search” features that would let the user find other blogs that related to them in geographical proximity, interests, and musical preferences, for example. It became almost impossible to be lonely!

For the most part, technology has been beneficial. It has streamlined everyday living and has made accessible things we never thought would be. But, as anyone who has waited in a line while “our computers are down,” will agree – it is far from perfect. Yet, as I think of my real friends – folks that I have come to know and enjoy – I am proud to include a few names of people that I have never met, at least not in person…yet.

May is Self-Care Month-We Need You!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in April Tips, Monday Musings

Stacey and I are declaring May Self-Care Month, but we need your help choosing the self-care tips we’ll discuss. Last May, we offered our Top 10 Tips Plus Two. Here they are:

How to Live Self-Care

1.      Make your health and well-being a priority

2.      Nourish your body with food, sleep, activity and rest.

3.      Manage stress wisely.

4.      Be a positive thinker.

5.      Don’t make assumptions.

6.      Accept yourself and others wholly.

7.      Trust your inner guidance.

8.      Nourish relationships with family and friends.

9.      Respect yourself and others.

10.  Do what makes your heart sing.

11.  Practice compassion, kindness and forgiveness.

12.  Connect with spirit through gratitude, service, and intention.

This week, we’d like each of you to vote for the top tip you’d like us to write about by commenting on it at livingselfcare.com. Then, we’d like you to choose one tip to practice this month and send us a paragraph about what you’re doing to make it stick.  For participating, we’ll enter you into our self-care contest/challenge which will run from May 21-25 and features many wonderful prizes. Check out our contest section to see what we gave away last November.

Stacey and I will also be choosing our top tips, blogging about them and practicing with you. We have learned the hard way that caring for ourselves-body, mind, heart and soul, is better for us as well as our loved ones. When our emotional pitcher is dry, everyone loses.

Join us in declaring May Self-Care Month. While we can’t control everything, we can create a life filled with health, happiness and purpose if we align our actions and thoughts with living self-care body, mind, heart and soul.  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  Make it count!

The Friendship Phenomenon

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in April Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

It’s still up for debate within myself if technology makes things easier or more difficult for me. I don’t like the idea of being reachable 24/7, but when I leave the house without my phone, I feel “naked” and a bit helpless. The one recent tech development that I know I have benefitted from is Facebook.

I was able to reconnect with some old friends last weekend during a trip to my hometown because of Facebook. We all agreed that it was almost as if no time had passed since the last time we saw each other in person, even though it has actually been about 25 years! By reading and commenting on posts, and browsing pictures on everyone’s Facebook feed, we are able to see what’s going on with each other whenever we want to!

Friendship is an extremely precious and valuable gift. Close friendships help us feel like we fit in somewhere, which is a basic human need. Research has repeatedly shown that women need other women in their lives in order to feel their best. Ladies that don’t have any female friends are at greater risk for depression, heart disease and obesity, just to name a few.

One reason for this is that women are much better listeners than men. When a woman has a problem, she is more likely to discuss it with her female friends than a male friend or male significant other. Men, by nature, are “fixers.” They want to find a way to make our bad feelings go away because they don’t know what to do with us when we are upset!

Take a look around at your circle of friends. Do you have at least one female friend that you can confide in? If not, I challenge you to either plant the seed for a new friendship or nurture an existing one so that you can have, and also be, a confidante. If this need is already met in your life, then congratulations! I hope you will continue to benefit from your friendships!

Circle of Friends
My mini-reunion: I hadn't seen most of these folks in almost 25 years!

Don’t Scratch That Itch-“Surf the Urge” Instead

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in April Tips, Monday Musings

Last Monday I talked about spending 15 mindful minutes daily to reduce stress and improve health. Today’s strategy is called “urge surfing.” Developed by Alan Marlatt to help alcoholics resist the “urge” to drink, it works equally well with compulsive behaviors like eating, shopping, excessive TV and gambling. Likewise, it’s a great way to curb compulsive “thoughts.”

As with other mindfulness techniques, the underlying idea is that experience is fluid and that positive and negative feelings, thoughts and urges come and go. Emotional suffering occurs because we worry that if we don’t give in to the urge to take a drink, binge eat or spend too much time online, we’ll bring on an uncomfortable feeling that we won’t be able to tolerate. For example, I tend to stress eat when I’m nervous, worried or mildly sad rather than experience these feelings directly. Or I might obsess over what a friend said to me rather than feel the hurt or anger.

The goal of “urge surfing” is to endure the discomfort of the feeling, thought or urge, without scratching it. For me and my eating, it’s learning to sit mindfully with the feelings that come up when I don’t stress eat and watch their ebb and flow, like waves on the ocean. Sometimes, the feelings may be very strong and uncomfortable; other times they are weaker and less compelling. But the truth about life is that nothing bad or good lasts forever. By learning to be the “observer” of our experience, we are less attached to the ever changing peaks and valleys of our feelings, thoughts and urges.

This week, experiment with “urge surfing” by choosing a compulsive behavior or recurring thought and not giving into it. Some examples are: stress eating, nail biting, dwelling on your to-do list, drinking, and always being plugged in to phones or notepads. Be creative and choose some behavior or thought that speaks to you. Then spend 15 minutes not pursuing it and “surfing” the feelings that arise. Watch them come and go with acceptance and non-judgement.

Cowabunga!

I’m QUEEN of the World!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in April Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

My daughter saw Titanic for the first time last night. When I asked her if she liked it, she said, “It was sad, but Rose was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.” I remember recently reading a snippet in People Magazine in which Kate Winslet (who played Rose) said that it was the worst she had ever looked. I wonder what she’d say to my 13 year-old in response to her admiration?

Women (including myself, of course) blame society and the media for the impossible standards of beauty that cause teenagers to starve themselves and even commit suicide. But why is it okay that coaches can call their male players “ladies” when they want to insult them? This is something that is usually not given a second thought to. Is it really that bad to be a woman?

This week, I challenge you to keep your eyes and ears open for subtle or even blatant references to womanhood as a character flaw. It’s not until we start noticing this that we can make an effort to change it. I am proud to be a woman and I hope you are, too! (Sorry, guys!) My hope is that we can all start standing up for our gender, and by extension, ourselves. And Kate Winslet, I agree with my kiddo: you looked gorgeous in Titanic.

Racing to “Nowhere”

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

I was fortunate enough to see a screening of the independent film, Race to Nowhere. The filmmakers interviewed students, teachers and parents from across the country to gauge the stress levels of our nation’s families. If you have kids, particularly in grades 6 – 12, you probably already know how overworked and overscheduled our children are. But have you given thought to the ramifications of their stress on you?

The film suggested that some schools and families started worrying about getting into a good college as early as first grade! And in order to do that, the student must have spectacular grades, many extracurricular activities, student clubs and community service projects. You may be aware of how much time you’re spending in the car or working on homework with your kids, but have you noticed that their stress levels are sometimes fueled by us, as parents?

Whether you work or stay at home, you have a full-time job. You’re already stressed enough. The film pointed out that time spent doing homework has increased from 1 – 2 hours per night prior to 6th grade to 4 – 6 hours between grades 6 – 12. They also pointed out that after 1 – 2 hours, the correlation between amount of homework and academic achievement is zero.

Are We Running Our Kids Ragged?

Step back from your kids for a minute. No, you can’t directly control how much homework they have, but you do have a say in what clubs, extracurriculars and community projects they are involved in. Do you see anything that can be dropped from their schedules? Are they in some activity because they “should” instead of because they “want to”? If so, I challenge you to talk with your student about paring down his or her daily schedule. Not only will their stress levels go down, but so will yours. And self-care for the entire family will go up!

Peace!
Stacey

Hello, It’s Nice to Meet Me!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

I just had the pleasure of seeing the movie 1,000 Words, starring Eddie Murphy, with my daughter. I wasn’t sure what to expect – a physical, bawdy comedy or a dramatic life lesson. Let’s say it was a good mix of the two – I recommend it!

The movie got me thinking about the masks we wear for others, and sometimes, even for ourselves. Fans of meditation will tell you that you truly do not know yourself until you have gone deep within and faced whatever demons lie in wait for you there. Thomas Moore called it, “The dark night of the soul.” You, the hero or heroine, then emerge all shiny and new and genuine.

I’m not sure how many methods there are to meeting your True Self; besides meditation, I’ve used imagery and yoga. My max time in sitting meditation has been maybe 5 minutes, so you see the problem there. But the movie renewed a strong desire in me to really find out who I am…me…not my job, my masks or the many hats I wear…ME.

What a great way to renew your spirit this Spring – to finally meet The Real You! At the very least, you’ll be amazed at just how many masks you do wear for others as well as yourself. And when you get some quiet, alone time, can you sit in silence, just with your breathing keeping you company? Or do you need the TV or radio on, or do you have to be reading something, keeping your mind in “escape mode?” We constantly distract ourselves from ourselves and don’t even realize it!

TRYING to meditate!

So give it a try! Leave a comment if you’re a veteran meditator or let me know how it’s going if you’re going to give one (or more!) of these methods a try!

At the Core

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Monday Musings

[Diane usually writes for Mondays, but she’s taking care of herself and is on vacation! So I’m happy to fill in while she gets some much needed R&R!]

I saw a client this morning who realized just how much of his belief system as an adult was shaped by his childhood. As these core beliefs emerge from the recesses of his mind, he chooses the ones that he deems healthy to hang onto and is working on changing the rest. In essence, he is “spring cleaning” his spirit.

So much of our core belief structure has been in place for so long that it generates automatic thoughts and judgments about a large variety of subjects. My client was able to isolate the thought that, “Overweight means lazy, having no direction and being a general loser at life.” As he is trying to lose a few pounds, he unconsciously identified with this statement and let it affect his self-esteem in a big, bad way. So, the first step of the process is to identify your core beliefs by paying attention to your thoughts.

Next, he defined “in shape” as, “Someone who is motivated, has sharp focus and is working toward concrete goals.” Does his definition match what’s in Webster’s Dictionary? No, it doesn’t. But by making his own definition, my client gained control over this area of his life. Each time he looks in the mirror, he reminds himself that he is mentally and emotionally “in shape,” and will soon be physically fit as well. This second step is to modify existing beliefs into something healthier.

The last step is to practice saying your new, healthy core beliefs to yourself as many times per day as you can. Like learning anything new, this skill requires repetition to make these beliefs into healthier automatic thoughts.

How many unhealthy core beliefs can you identify in yourself? Some may still serve you, but modifying and practicing the ones that don’t will allow you to overcome many obstacles in your life.

Spring (Give Me a) Break!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Hey, parents! What time is it? SPRING BREAK TIME! “What gave it away?” you ask. Yes, the students are bouncing off of the walls, but that’s not it. What alerts me are the bleary-eyed looks I get from parents when I mention the one-week school vacation.

Spring Break was designed to give students and teachers a rest from the rigors of the second half of the school year. Families sometimes take advantage of this time to go on trips and spend time together. But do we really do what we want to over the Break or are we too focused on doing what others are doing?

“Maria’s family is going to Disneyland,” my daughter reported one year after I told her we had no plans for Spring Break. I felt a twinge of guilt (synonym for mother) and inferiority when I thought about what Maria’s parents had planned for their family trip. In fact, most of my daughter’s friends were going out of town for at least part of the week. We were staying home, much to my kiddo’s chagrin.

When the week was over, Maria’s mom came by. I noticed the bags under her eyes and her eyelids at half-mast as she described their “incredibly fun” trip. “So, you’d recommend that we go some time?” I asked as she got up to leave. She stopped, turned to look directly at me and said, “I’d recommend that you do what you want to do. ‘Cuz doing what everybody else wants to do sucks.”

http://www.pearlandtherapy.com

I couldn’t have said it better myself! This Spring Break, ask yourself what it is that YOU want and need. Maybe it is a trip to Disneyland, but chances are, you and your family need a little rest and relaxation. And no matter how fun an amusement park is, it promotes anything but rest. The idea is to return to school and work feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, so give yourself a Break and make it happen!