Category: Thursday “Words of Wisdom”

The Healing Power of Connection

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in April Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

This morning I learned that Stacey’s mom was having some health issues. Last week it was my mom. When she asked if I’d fill in for her, I immediately said “Yes! You go take care of your mom.” Once again reminded of the fragility of life and how all we have is now.

Then while traveling today, I sat next to a 72 year-old man on the airplane who described to me his health challenges and triumphs. Despite his current diagnosis of prostate cancer, he was in good spirits and good health. He spoke about how he couldn’t have survived without the support of his wife and family. A testimony to the power of connection and feeling loved.

Although medicine has made many technical advancements, there is much research which demonstrates the healing power of connection through prayer, acts of kindness, friendship and social support. For women, the effects may be particularly strong.    

In meditation, there is a practice called “lovingkindness” which is a way of extending unconditional love and acceptance to others. It goes like this:

   “May you be at peace. May your heart remain open. May you know the beauty of your own true nature. May you be healed. May you be a source of healing to others.”

Let’s keep each other in our hearts and prayers for the next few days and maybe longer. Please join with me to send an extra dose of lovingkindness to Stacey and her mom.

Congratulations!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in April Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

I spent the weekend watching movies on Showtime and its partner channels. Most of them were older, such as Medicine Man and The Core. As I watched, one thing stood out in each movie: recognition. Whether it’s a presentation of a new project or a potential cure for cancer, the characters wanted to make sure their names were included in the program/scientific journals.

As American culture dictates, we all work hard and try to be as productive as possible. But what do we work for (besides our paychecks)? Recognition or praise. Some managers recognize this need and make sure to praise their employees when appropriate. As a result, the employee will want to continue to work hard to keep worthy of the praise that was given to him/her. Recognition is a great motivator.

Praise is within your reach anytime you need it. This may be a difficult task, but pepper your self-talk with positive things. Instead of I am such an idiot! try I made a mistake, but I am human. I forgive myself. Extend your positivity to your children; praise them any time they are exhibiting pleasant behavior. Thank you for being such a helpful boy! encourages the child to be helpful more often. Giving praise to family, friends, co-workers, kids and especially yourself will make life much sunnier and definitely more peaceful. Happy April!

Rules of the House

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

As a psychotherapist, I work with many adults who are still struggling with their childhood “programming.” These are the rules and beliefs that your family of origin used, often unconsciously. It is very easy for someone who grew up in an abusive household to think that abuse is “normal.” Then the cycle continues.

One very common “program” is the “Don’t Rock the Boat” rule. This means that no matter what, family members either act like a dysfunction isn’t there, or try to “sweep it under the rug.” For example, a family with an alcoholic mother may never talk about the subject and may even step over her and keep walking if she was passed out on the floor.

Another common “program” is the, “Everything is Fine” rule. With this belief in place, each member of the family puts on “masks” when they have to interact with other people. For example, the mother and father could be going through an ugly divorce, but the children are all smiles and act as if everything is great. The parents do the same thing when in public.

What these programs have in common is untruth. These families don’t want to express their pain and dysfunction, so they never give themselves a chance to work through their problems. When they get to my office, they can be holding a lot of anger towards their parents, children, siblings or other family members. These folks have a choice: anger or forgiveness. As Kambri Crews, author of Burn Down the Ground says, “Forgiving others and making peace with the cards you have been dealt is within all of us. Generally speaking, people aren’t purely evil or good. Life is much more complicated than that. ” Well said, Ms. Crews.

Racing to “Nowhere”

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

I was fortunate enough to see a screening of the independent film, Race to Nowhere. The filmmakers interviewed students, teachers and parents from across the country to gauge the stress levels of our nation’s families. If you have kids, particularly in grades 6 – 12, you probably already know how overworked and overscheduled our children are. But have you given thought to the ramifications of their stress on you?

The film suggested that some schools and families started worrying about getting into a good college as early as first grade! And in order to do that, the student must have spectacular grades, many extracurricular activities, student clubs and community service projects. You may be aware of how much time you’re spending in the car or working on homework with your kids, but have you noticed that their stress levels are sometimes fueled by us, as parents?

Whether you work or stay at home, you have a full-time job. You’re already stressed enough. The film pointed out that time spent doing homework has increased from 1 – 2 hours per night prior to 6th grade to 4 – 6 hours between grades 6 – 12. They also pointed out that after 1 – 2 hours, the correlation between amount of homework and academic achievement is zero.

Are We Running Our Kids Ragged?

Step back from your kids for a minute. No, you can’t directly control how much homework they have, but you do have a say in what clubs, extracurriculars and community projects they are involved in. Do you see anything that can be dropped from their schedules? Are they in some activity because they “should” instead of because they “want to”? If so, I challenge you to talk with your student about paring down his or her daily schedule. Not only will their stress levels go down, but so will yours. And self-care for the entire family will go up!

Peace!
Stacey

Hello, It’s Nice to Meet Me!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

I just had the pleasure of seeing the movie 1,000 Words, starring Eddie Murphy, with my daughter. I wasn’t sure what to expect – a physical, bawdy comedy or a dramatic life lesson. Let’s say it was a good mix of the two – I recommend it!

The movie got me thinking about the masks we wear for others, and sometimes, even for ourselves. Fans of meditation will tell you that you truly do not know yourself until you have gone deep within and faced whatever demons lie in wait for you there. Thomas Moore called it, “The dark night of the soul.” You, the hero or heroine, then emerge all shiny and new and genuine.

I’m not sure how many methods there are to meeting your True Self; besides meditation, I’ve used imagery and yoga. My max time in sitting meditation has been maybe 5 minutes, so you see the problem there. But the movie renewed a strong desire in me to really find out who I am…me…not my job, my masks or the many hats I wear…ME.

What a great way to renew your spirit this Spring – to finally meet The Real You! At the very least, you’ll be amazed at just how many masks you do wear for others as well as yourself. And when you get some quiet, alone time, can you sit in silence, just with your breathing keeping you company? Or do you need the TV or radio on, or do you have to be reading something, keeping your mind in “escape mode?” We constantly distract ourselves from ourselves and don’t even realize it!

TRYING to meditate!

So give it a try! Leave a comment if you’re a veteran meditator or let me know how it’s going if you’re going to give one (or more!) of these methods a try!

Spring (Give Me a) Break!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Hey, parents! What time is it? SPRING BREAK TIME! “What gave it away?” you ask. Yes, the students are bouncing off of the walls, but that’s not it. What alerts me are the bleary-eyed looks I get from parents when I mention the one-week school vacation.

Spring Break was designed to give students and teachers a rest from the rigors of the second half of the school year. Families sometimes take advantage of this time to go on trips and spend time together. But do we really do what we want to over the Break or are we too focused on doing what others are doing?

“Maria’s family is going to Disneyland,” my daughter reported one year after I told her we had no plans for Spring Break. I felt a twinge of guilt (synonym for mother) and inferiority when I thought about what Maria’s parents had planned for their family trip. In fact, most of my daughter’s friends were going out of town for at least part of the week. We were staying home, much to my kiddo’s chagrin.

When the week was over, Maria’s mom came by. I noticed the bags under her eyes and her eyelids at half-mast as she described their “incredibly fun” trip. “So, you’d recommend that we go some time?” I asked as she got up to leave. She stopped, turned to look directly at me and said, “I’d recommend that you do what you want to do. ‘Cuz doing what everybody else wants to do sucks.”

http://www.pearlandtherapy.com

I couldn’t have said it better myself! This Spring Break, ask yourself what it is that YOU want and need. Maybe it is a trip to Disneyland, but chances are, you and your family need a little rest and relaxation. And no matter how fun an amusement park is, it promotes anything but rest. The idea is to return to school and work feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, so give yourself a Break and make it happen!

Regretfully Yours…

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Dictionary.com defines regret as “a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.” When I hear people speak of their regrets, they are usually thinking about their pasts. But we all know that we can’t change the past and we can’t predict the future. So, what function do regrets really have?

Author Rory Cochrane once said, “I do not regret the things I’ve done, but those I did not do.” So whether you’re thinking of something you wish you hadn’t done or maybe something you wish you had, regret can function as a guide for present-moment decisions. And all we have is the gift of right now – that’s why it’s called the “present.”

Personally, I can honestly say I have no regrets. I’m one of those people that believe that everything happens for a reason, so what is there to regret? The Cochrane quote really had a big impact on me the first time I read it. I have been an anxious person most of my life, and was allowing the fear to make my world smaller and smaller. Reading that quote made something “click” in my head and helped me say “yes” to things that I wanted to do but usually would have said “no” to out of fear of the unknown.

Are there things that you regret? Perhaps there’s a person that you’d like to reconnect with or a situation that you can correct. Today is the first day of March. While Spring doesn’t officially start until the 20th, why not start anew today? Fix the things you can and work on letting go of the things you can’t. Regret, like guilt, can be an excellent motivator, but hanging onto it too long is just a waste of precious energy.

Don’t Let Conflict (Or Fear) Destroy Your Relationships

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

February is the month that is the most closely associated with romantic relationships. But what about other relationships? We have many of them: kids, parents, siblings, in-laws, friends. Sometimes it’s easy to avoid or ignore a relationship and let it die. At times, it’s essential to cut ties with people who are unhealthy for you. But what about the people we love, but won’t interact with?

Relationships die for many reasons. Conflict is a big factor in this. I have a friend who moved away several years ago. She didn’t move that far; her home is just a few hours away (can you tell I live in Texas yet?). But I don’t know what’s going on in her life anymore and she doesn’t know about mine.

This is a woman I have known for 15 years. We used to talk about everything and help each other out whenever needed. What happened to us? We had a big argument right after she moved. Neither one of us would budge. Now I feel sad every time I think of her.

I’m afraid to call her. “What if she hates me?” I always think. Most likely this is a distorted thought. I know that if she called me, I would be glad to hear from her. So, I am going to make that call today.

I urge you to reconnect with anyone that is special to you who you have avoided due to conflict. It can be scary to face but most of the time, anger dissolves into relief once you take the steps to reach out.

Love ThySelf-To Thine Own Self Be True

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

There are bucket lists, rainy day lists, pros and cons lists, but what about a DO list? Do you have a list of things you actively want to do for yourself but just “can’t find the time?”  Valentine’s Day is a perfect time to put that plan into practice.

While most people associate Valentine’s Day with lovers, and couples, kids and families, the perception that we can love ourselves gets a raised eyebrow. I’m not talking about THAT kind of love. I’m hinting about love of self and pampering ourselves for a change.

We already know that women don’t take the time or feel that they can’t.

Here are some easy and quick ways to be loving yourself this holiday.

  1. Get a massage or spa treatment of your choice. You deserve it!
  2. Splurge on a nice “something-something” for yourself you’ve had an eye on.
  3. Get yourself some flowers – and they’ll be the perfect choice!
  4. Like to journal? Start a fresh journal for the year and write about the ways you can practice self-care!
  5. Do you find that you’re very self-critical? Give yourself a break, at least for today.

The heart can be a mysterious place but it doesn’t have to be. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Today’s guest author is Mollee Bauer, founder of pregnancy.org, the premiere website for info and support for pregnant and new moms.

Give yourSELF a Valentine

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Please indulge me for a moment whilst I tell you about my outlook on Valentine’s
Day (VD). Remember that I am married, so while I have a “Valentine,” I believe that NOBODY is “ineligible” for VD.

I think VD is a “Hallmark Holiday.” It’s a day for the flower, card, candy and nice
meal sellers to cash in. It’s a day filled with joy – yes, for some. But it’s also a day for loneliness, depression and guilt for others. I asked my husband years ago to not buy me anything for VD. I’d rather get a token of his affection on a random day when it’s not expected. Instead, I indulge my Self on VD. I’d like to challenge you to make this VD all about your Self, too, no matter what your “Valentine” status is.

So how do you do this? Some of the things that I have done include going for a mani/pedi (go during the middle of the day so they are not crowded if
you can), getting a massage, locking my Self in my bedroom and reading ALL DAY, looking on the Internet for my favorite flower arrangement to buy for my Self the day after VD (at a real discount!), and cooking my Self my favorite dish to enjoy on my own.

What things can you think of that you might like to do for your Self on VD? It doesn’t have to cost any money, can be done any time of day or night, and does not require another person (though maybe you’d like to share your VD gift to your Self with someone). It’s your challenge! Leave your ideas in the comments section!!