Category: Monday Musings

Mindfulness: Make Each Day Count

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D., creator of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) used worldwide to improve health and enhance wellness defines mindfulness as “Paying attention to the present moment on purpose as if your life depended on it in a non-judgemental way.”  It is slowing our lives down to notice what’s happening as its occurring instead of worrying about the future or  dwelling in the past.

Research indicates mindfulness contributes to improved physical health, greater immunity, less pain from chronic health conditions, shorter recovery times from surgery and many other mind-body benefits including decreased stress and better moods.  All it takes is time and consistent practice for it to work.

Since it’s summertime, here’s a fun way to practice.  Takie a good piece of chocolate, at least Dove, and mindfully eat it.  To start, observe the chocolate and how it appears.  Then sniff it and notice the aroma.  Feel the texture and surface of it.  Pay attention to the sounds your body makes as you draw the chocolate near.  Finally, put it in your mouth and savor the flavor, texture, taste and total sensory experience.  Mindfulness in action.

This week dedicate 10 minutes daily to pay full attention to the present moment: playing with your child, sitting/walking outside, sipping coffee/tea, washing the dishes or showering.  Any activity is an opportunity to cultivate mindfulness as long as you are fully aware of it with all your senses.  As Kabat-Zinn suggests, treat it as though “your life depended on it” and you will succeed.

Living Self-Care: Let’s Succeed Together

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Back in January after our first self-care challenge/contest, Mollee Bauer of pregnancy.org called for a self-care revolution. While we agree wholeheartedly, it’s become clear (again) that as women this is a hard change to make.  Likewise, it’s not something that can be achieved in a week or two or done without serious effort and commitment. In our quick-fix culture, it seems that we’d often rather be entertained or distracted than dealing with our emotional health.

At Living Self-Care, we want to have fun but we also want to provide  meaningful content which will help you create an emotionally healthy life filled with joy and personal satisfaction/success . But we need your input. Please let us know what you’d like to hear about and how we can present the info in a way which is most helpful. This is your site too and your thoughts/comments are valued.

Starting today, we’ll be posting twice a week. Monday will still be thoughts for the week. Instead of Wednesday, Thursday will become “Words of Wisdom” from books we’ve read, teachers we follow, other women’s groups, and hopefully, a place for your contributions. Women’s circles are powerful because of their shared wisdom and strength and with almost 300 of us, imagine the possibilities.

Finally, we’re looking for a new subtitle for Life Will Never Be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide. We’ve been told it’s too heavy. Our book’s about moms taking care of themselves so they can be the mom they want to. Any thoughts? Let us know. See you Thursday.

What Is A Mother?

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

As we conclude our Mother’s Day Contest/Challenge, here are some final thoughts about what motherhood means.  One of our favorite poems about mother/parenthood is from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, “On Children.”

 “Your children are not your children.  They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. ..

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.”

Another touching  account of motherhood is found in the video “What Is A Mother,” from Mother to Mother, one of our challenge champions.  Click here to view.

Then I saw Katherine Stone’s beautiful Mother Day post at Daily Hope and wanted you to see it too.

“You will discover the mother inside you and how beautiful and wonderful she is thanks in part to the love from your children.  You will grow to see yourself as your child sees you when he or she calls your name, or falls asleep comfortably in your arms, or smiles at you, or wants you when she is scared or hurt, or asks your opinion when he needs guidance.  You will see. ”

Photo by Real Mom Kim

We took the weekend off to practice self-care so contest winners will be announced Wednesday.  In the meantime, we hope you’ll send us your comments about what motherhood means to you.  Remember, make everyday Mother’s Day by Living Self-Care.

Wait-Watch-Listen

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

It’s so easy to get caught up in the frenzy of daily life, we often forget that the answers to our problems aren’t instantaneous like a text message.  Because most women are “fixers,”, it’s challenging to wait for the solution to emerge rather than forcing our agenda.  One of the lessons my younger daughter taught me is to take a break when we’re at an impasse rather than pursuing her doggedly which rarely ends well.

Along these lines, I’ve been practicing the skills of “wait-watch-listen” to keep myself from overreacting to situations and build confidence that “the need goes out and the answer appears.”  While I may have been more skeptical years ago, I’ve seen enough evidence now to trust this works.  Sometimes it takes more time than I’m willing to give it, but I’m learning to be patient.

Today I had lunch with a good friend who brought me the solution to a problem I’ve had.  Although I hadn’t figured it out myself, I had decided to wait until a clear answer emerged because none of my ideas had worked.   So I kept telling myself, “Don’t take action or make any decisions until you’re certain of how to proceed.”  I wasn’t, but when my good friend made her suggestion, I knew it was the way to go.

Life has a way of unfolding although not necessarily on our schedule.  The next time you feel stuck, watch and listen for the answer you’re seeking.  It’s well worth the wait!

Surviving PPD: The Princess Who Saved Herself

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings, Tuesday Tips

This past weekend, I participated in a training for Mother to Mother, our free volunteer phone support program for pregnant and post-birth moms in Missouri.  One conversation which stood out for me was how surviving postpartum depression (PPD) can help us become stronger and more confident.  Not that anyone would willingly choose this, but sometimes it chooses us. 

Experiencing mild depression after my first baby, took me by surprise.  After completing my doctoral degree, getting my psychology license, and seeing 30 clients a week, I thought I could handle anything.  Certainly, motherhood couldn’t be more challenging.  How wrong I was!   

As a new mom I doubted myself about many things, including if I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.  I felt incompetent, inadequate and that I wasn’t “good enough” to be the mom my daughter deserved.   I thought sleep, self-care and sex were permanently gone.  On bad days I was convinced life as I knew it was over and I’d be trapped in motherhood hell forever. 

But gradually, the landscape changed.  Surviving the ups, downs and uncertainties of new motherhood, I emerged feeling stronger and self-assured.  More capable of meeting life’s changes.  Empowered with renewed strength and confidence.

For all moms, including those with PPD,  listen now to “The Princess Who Saved Herself.  It is a reminder and affirmation that while others may help us through  challenging and stressful times, making our way through the darkness is ultimately what saves us.

More Spring Cleaning

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Here are some additional thoughts on how to renew ourselves and release old, worn thoughts and habits.  Spring cleaning from the inside out.

Discover what’s nourishing.  Just as plants need water and sunshine to grow, we need physical, emotional, and spiritual sustenance.  Start with eating healthy foods, getting regular physical activity, sleeping 8-9 hours, and taking breaks for your mind and body.  Do one thing you enjoy daily, whether it’s phoning a friend, listening to music or walking your dog.  Nurture your spirit through prayer, meditation, or communing with nature. 

Let go of un-nourishing relationships.  Being honest about admitting and detaching from relationships which aren’t good anymore can still hurt especially   ones involving family and long-term friends.  If we’ve spoken to them about what needs to be different and things haven’t changed over time, release them with love.   Clearing space for nourishing relationships to enter.

Cultivate optimism.  Looking more on the “sunny” side of life can be learned by shifting attention away from negative thoughts to more positive ones.  There are few situations which are all good or all bad.  Our great job may sour when we get a new boss.   An untimely move lead to a wonderful neighborhood with friends with love.  Prune your mind of unnecessary negativity. 

Practice gratitude. 

Photo by Real Mom Kim

When we feel grateful, our souls are nourished and restored.  We have a more positive attitude toward today and what lies ahead.  We feel connected to something bigger than ourselves.  Supported in the deepest sense.  Abundant and alive.

Spring Is In the Air: Time for Emotional Cleaning

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Spring is in the air.   As the days get longer and the weather warms, we feel a growing urge to refresh and renew our lives.  The blossoming season brings with it the opportunity to release what we’ve held on to mentally or emotionally, which no longer fits.  Spring cleaning indeed.

Clearing away old beliefs.  Just like our physical space, our minds are often cluttered with wornout beliefs and ideas.  In cognitive therapy, clients learn to monitor their negative beliefs and refute them.  If someone grew up being criticized, they may have the belief “I’m no good”.  As an adult however, they may have a successful career or be a caring parent, evidence that this belief is not true.  Changing automatic assumptions is empowering and liberating. 

Sow the seeds of intention: Step One.  Along with releasing negative thoughts, we must clarify what we want.  Why is this challenging?  First, our minds  chatter constantly over urgent but not important matters.  Like what we said that offended someone we hardly know or putting the laundry away.  Instead, we need to quiet our “monkey mind” through prayer, meditation and relaxation.   Stillness allows connection with our deeper selves.

Sow the seeds of intention: Step Two.  When our mind is still, we see more clearly how we want to live.  Then during our daily meditation/prayer, we can set our intentions for serenity, peaceful relationships, health, etc., allowing our intention and energy to flow in the direction we desire.  Creating the life we want one day at a time.

It’s Okay to Speak Up, Really (Part 3)

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Here are the final four steps in assertive communication.  Hopefully, these will  help with both speaking up and listening.

  1. Provide clarification.  If the receiver doesn’t understand what you’re saying, clarify it.  However,  just because you say things clearly, doesn’t mean that’s how they’ll be heard.  If problems persist, make certain that you’re communicating openly and non-defensively and suggest resuming the conversation later if you want.
  2. Create a new opportunity.  As long as we’re alive, we can have a follow-up or “recovery conversation” when we’re not satisfied with a prior outcome.  First, all parties must agree to this.  Next, remember that each person is responsible for approaching the “recovery” conversation in an open-minded, non-defensive way intending to listen and be heard.  With this goal,  everyone wins.
  3. Ending the conversation.  If the other person becomes attacking or abusive, it’s time to stop. If you want, you can offer to have a “recovery conversation” later.  Whatever the choice, it’s yours.  Being assertive doesn’t  mean tolerating abusive behavior or language.  It does mean standing up for yourself and setting limits.     
  4.  Be clear about your intentions.  Assertivenes requires admitting to yourself whether you’re genuinely interested in open and honest communication or proving you’re right and other self-serving motives.  If intentions aren’t aligned with what’s best for the relationship , you won’t succeed.  When aligned, there are limitless possibilities for positive results.

Next week we’ll be discussing the new 7-week self-care challenge starting March 21.  If you participated in our October 21-day self-care challenge, we’d appreciate your comments and ideas on how to improve your experience.

Belated Valentine’s Wishes

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Totally forgot about V-Day until last week’s post was done. Since this month’s theme is healthy relationships, here’s what poet e.e.cummings says about love.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

But who is he referring to?  A lover, spouse, child, parent or cherished friend?  Those we hold most dear in our lives who remain with us in spirit wherever they are.  What is most important is that we are loving towards our loved ones even when we feel angry, frustrated, disappointed, or unhappy with something they’ve done.  This is what is meant by unconditional love. 

Wayne Dyer recounts how he and his wife decided after having the same fight over and over, “It is more important to be kind than be right”.  Let’s keep that in mind in all our relationships, carrying each other’s hearts gently with the utmost care.

It’s Okay to Speak Up, Really (Part 2)

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Last week, we posted the first three aspects of assertive communication: 1)speak openly, honestly and directly; 2)state thoughts and feelings without becoming defensive; and 3)be courteous and respectful.  Here are the next four steps.

  1.  Exercise timing.  Discuss important matters at a time which is good for all involved.  Discussions late at night when your partner’s tired or first thing in the morning before they’re fully awake, is not recommended.   Make certain you each have the attention and energy for a constructive conversation. 
  2. Make clear requests.  If there’s something you want, ask for it.  Don’t expect others to read your mind.  Relationship problems often occur when we don’t take responsibility for expressing our needs.  Real intimacy is being able to say what’s on your mind.
  3. Speak from your heart.  Make your intention to have a “confiding” conversation even if you feel angry or hurt.  Use “I” statements like “I felt angry when I thought you weren’t listening.”  Don’t blame or demean the other person.  This sets the tone for them to do the same.   Whatever they do, practice assertive communication.
  4. Provide clarification.  If the receiver doesn’t understand what’s said, offer clarification or restate it.  However, even when things are stated clearly, it doesn’t mean that’s how they’ll be heard.  Each of us filters what we hear through the lens with which we see the world.

While the goal of assertive communication is to better understand each other, its success is not gaurunteed.  Still, it is up to us to create the opportunity for this to occur by communicating assertively.