Tag: coping with stress

Wait-Watch-Listen

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

It’s so easy to get caught up in the frenzy of daily life, we often forget that the answers to our problems aren’t instantaneous like a text message.  Because most women are “fixers,”, it’s challenging to wait for the solution to emerge rather than forcing our agenda.  One of the lessons my younger daughter taught me is to take a break when we’re at an impasse rather than pursuing her doggedly which rarely ends well.

Along these lines, I’ve been practicing the skills of “wait-watch-listen” to keep myself from overreacting to situations and build confidence that “the need goes out and the answer appears.”  While I may have been more skeptical years ago, I’ve seen enough evidence now to trust this works.  Sometimes it takes more time than I’m willing to give it, but I’m learning to be patient.

Today I had lunch with a good friend who brought me the solution to a problem I’ve had.  Although I hadn’t figured it out myself, I had decided to wait until a clear answer emerged because none of my ideas had worked.   So I kept telling myself, “Don’t take action or make any decisions until you’re certain of how to proceed.”  I wasn’t, but when my good friend made her suggestion, I knew it was the way to go.

Life has a way of unfolding although not necessarily on our schedule.  The next time you feel stuck, watch and listen for the answer you’re seeking.  It’s well worth the wait!

A Shout Out to All Moms

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Friday Funnies

This is one of our favorite videos about motherhood.  Since Wednesday’s post was on loosening the bonds of self-criticism, it seemed fitting to consider all the things that moms do each day which go unrecognized.  It’s exhausting to think about but deserving of our attention.

Instead of putting ourselves down, we need to remember to pat ourselves on the back whether anyone else does.  To appreciate all our hard work which keeps our families going.  But it’s Friday, so for now have fun with this YouTube video and take some me-time this weekend.

Surviving PPD: The Princess Who Saved Herself

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings, Tuesday Tips

This past weekend, I participated in a training for Mother to Mother, our free volunteer phone support program for pregnant and post-birth moms in Missouri.  One conversation which stood out for me was how surviving postpartum depression (PPD) can help us become stronger and more confident.  Not that anyone would willingly choose this, but sometimes it chooses us. 

Experiencing mild depression after my first baby, took me by surprise.  After completing my doctoral degree, getting my psychology license, and seeing 30 clients a week, I thought I could handle anything.  Certainly, motherhood couldn’t be more challenging.  How wrong I was!   

As a new mom I doubted myself about many things, including if I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.  I felt incompetent, inadequate and that I wasn’t “good enough” to be the mom my daughter deserved.   I thought sleep, self-care and sex were permanently gone.  On bad days I was convinced life as I knew it was over and I’d be trapped in motherhood hell forever. 

But gradually, the landscape changed.  Surviving the ups, downs and uncertainties of new motherhood, I emerged feeling stronger and self-assured.  More capable of meeting life’s changes.  Empowered with renewed strength and confidence.

For all moms, including those with PPD,  listen now to “The Princess Who Saved Herself.  It is a reminder and affirmation that while others may help us through  challenging and stressful times, making our way through the darkness is ultimately what saves us.

Laughter: “An Instant Vacation”

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Friday Funnies

I was teaching a self-care class on Wednesday to hair stylists, who certainly do their share of counseling, when one commented she’d seen this great sign, “Laughter is an instant vacation.”  I agree wholeheartedly so when my younger daughter sent me this cat picture a few months ago, I saved it for when I need a good laugh and decided this week to share it with you.  Hope this tickles your funny bone.

"Jabba" the Cat

May “the force” of laughter be with you.  Enjoy your weekend!

Motherhood is Hard Work So Cut Yourself Some Slack!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Tuesday Tips

The media creates images of perfect mothers such as June Cleaver and Claire Huxtabel. TV moms look perfect, have spotless homes, and great relationships. Magazine covers portray moms holding beautiful babies, breastpumps and briefcases who are perfectly made up.  From such images women define their “shoulds” and “musts”creating unattainable standards of perfection and judging themselves for not keeping up.

The truth is that motherhood is hard work. As women become mothers and face the accompanying stressors and challenges, they often internalize their  inability to cope flawlessly as personal failings.  Add sleepless nights and fussy babies and it’s not hard to see why mothers lose confidence. When the idealized view of one’s self and motherhood collides with reality, they criticize themselves rather than recognizing how well they are doing given the endless expenditure of physical, emotional and mental energy that goes into caring for children.  Pretty amazing!

Nuclear families encourage isolation, especially in the early days postpartum. Experienced mothers rarely discuss hardships inherent in mothering.  No one wants to admit they felt less than adequate, irritable, anxious or depressed maneuvering new motherhood while this is true.  Although the internet provides some connection, many moms lack the  face-to-face support needed to see that everyone faces challenges and make mistakes.  Supporting themselves and each other by acknowledging that motherhood is hard work and that perfection must be tempered by reality  is what’s needed.

So, starting today cut yourself and the moms around you some slack.  You’ve earned it.  You deserve it!

Jamie Bodily is founder and director of ParentsCount which provides birth and postpartum doula services, childbirth education and counseling

The Sisterhood of Girlfriends

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Wednesday Wisdom

“Mom, you have friends?!”

It was my 5-year-old’s innocent response to me mentioning my girlfriends. Since having twins five years ago and then another son, I don’t get a chance to chat with, let alone see, my girlfriends as much as I would like. Yet, they still carry an important role in my life.

Girlfriends help each other carry their burdens, celebrate each others’ accomplishments and bring joy to each others’ lives. Girlfriends also have a keen sense of intuition. Despite miles of distance and months without communication, girlfriends are there when we need them most.

Take for example a dear friend who called me out of the blue as I was just beginning to miscarry my first pregnancy. Or another girlfriend who popped up on Google chat one day when I was having a terrible time coping with my son’s developmental delays. On two of the worst days of my life, these women
helped put everything into perspective.   I hope I’ve been there to do the same.

Mom Jessica

When the teeter-totter of life drops you square into a puddle of mud, it’s usually a girlfriend that climbs on the opposite seat and lifts you back up (then helps you shop for new pants). As women we naturally care for and nurture others, and through the sisterhood of girlfriends we give that nurturing back to ourselves.

Today’s author is Jessica Pupillo, freelance writer and editor of St. Louis Sprout & About (www.stlsprout.com).

Advice From a Reformed Conflict Avoider

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Uncategorized, Wednesday Wisdom

I tend to avoid the hard stuff in relationships. If an issue is painful or difficult to address, I find a way around it. I don’t like conflict, and being the typical busy working mom, I can justify putting off “special talks” with loved ones because I don’t have time.

Sound familiar? If you’re a time-crunched, conflict avoider like me, take a moment and ask yourself, ” Is this really working?”   Because, it sure as hell wasn’t  for me.   I was so resentful of my husband’s lack of help around the house and with the kids, yet I didn’t want to discuss it (other than the offhand snarky comment). Too much risk of bringing up painful issues. Too hard to figure out workable solutions.

Until the day I thought I was going to lose it. Then came the break-down-bawling fest (me) and the deer-in-the-headlights, what-did-I-do? look (him). When we finally talked—putting all our cards on the table—we were able to address the underlying issues and find ways to deal with them. It also led to more such talks, solutions and frequent check-ins with each other. I can’t say our marriage is perfect, but things are much better between us now.

Real Mom Susan

Your most valued relationships deserve the time and energy to make things right. Give yourself and your loved one the gift of an open, honest discussion and  you’ll  both feel better.

Today’s author is Susan Wenner Jackson, cofounder of Working Moms Against Guilt. http://www.workingmomsagainstguilt.com/

January:The Journey of Self-Care Begins

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

This month we’ve talked about how to make self-care changes which will stick, and how to appreciate the blessings of everyday life which is self-care in practice. While we’ve heard these ideas before, it’s “doing” them that’s challenging.

To summarize what we’ve said about making self-care part of  our daily routine:

  1.  Set small attainable goals, like 15 minutes a day.
  2.  Break the change into smaller steps.
  3.  Make it part of what’s already in the schedule.  Mommie Kate had some great advice on this.
  4.  Intend/visualize what we want to happen.
  5.  Don’t become self-critical of missteps.  Learn from the experience and try again.
  6.  Have a positive attitude about self-care.  Remember it’s a choice.
  7. Self-care and self-love gives us the energy to love others.  As Laura Nash said, “You can’t give what you don’t possess.”  

Now, for the big picture.  Self-care is not just a set of skills we practice, it’s an attitude for how we view and approach our lives.  With all life’s ups and downs, even in a single 24 hours, there’s much to be appreciated.  Often it’s in the small things-sunshine, our children’s smiles, flowers budding in spring or a kind word.  When we put our attention on life’s abundance, we feel loved and cared for. 

Buddha said, “If we could see the miracle of a single flower, our whole life would change.”  Embrace this year with wonder and positive intention.  Be grateful for all that is and all that is yet to be.  Self-care is a path to health, happiness and awakening the soul.  Let’s journey well together.

Scheduling Self-Care

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Wednesday Wisdom

I spent 2010 in a new-mom fog, topped off with postpartum depression. It seemed the day my son was born, I forgot how to care for myself as I learned to care for him. Now that I’m recovered from PPD and the shock of new parenthood, this year I’m refocusing on myself.

In 2011, I plan to spend less time on laundry and dusting and more time taking a bubble bath and reading a book.  Less time overscheduled, angry, and worried and more time playing, giggling, and snuggling.

But how can this be accomplished without neglecting my obligations? I hear so many mothers ask themselves and each other this.  Ironically, I feel the answer is  scheduling—relax, it’s the good kind! Grab your calendar and pick one date each week to devote 2 hours (or a whole evening if you can) to doing something JUST FOR YOU. I’m not talking about an hour online replying to emails! I mean a shopping trip for a new (maybe impractical) pair of shoes or a solo trip to the local coffeehouse with your favorite novel or best friend. If you have children,

Real Mom James with Jax

the minute you have your dates selected for the month, grab your phone and plan your childcare for the entire month. Trust me, this will keep you accountable!

Simple enough, right?  To nurture others, you must first nurture yourself.

Today’s author is James of James & Jax, a blog about discovering her new self after becoming a mom.

Smell the Roses: They’re Always There

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Many times I figure out what my New Year’s resolution is after the new year starts. That’s what happened this past week.  I woke up Wednesday night thinking, “Stop struggling.  Enjoy the good life you have.”  Don’t get carried away and think my life is perfect.  It isn’t.  Although Ann and I teach  self-care, we are equally challenged to make it part of our daily lives.

The New Year is about how to improve life and ourselves rather than savor what’s already working.  In fact, last week I talked about taking small steps to make change stick which still applies because it’s  challenging to “smell the roses” when facing the “daily grind” as one of my clients puts it.  When did we decide that life had to be difficult and stressful instead of satisfying and joyful?  How often do we hear each other say, “I’m so stressed.  There just aren’t enough hours in the day.”   It’s the mantra of modern life.

I’m listening to Deepak Chopra‘s Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul: How to Create a New You. He says that reconnecting with our soul’s inner guidance can make our lives easier.  Well, mine woke me up last week and I’m resolved to spend more time soaking up the sunshine and appreciating my blessings.  My family, friends, comfy home, writing with Ann, work I love , and the wonderful community of women whose lives have touched mine.  Each day is a gift.  Even in the darkest night, the stars shine.