Tag: LIfe Will Never Be The Same

Spring Is In the Air: Time for Emotional Cleaning

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Spring is in the air.   As the days get longer and the weather warms, we feel a growing urge to refresh and renew our lives.  The blossoming season brings with it the opportunity to release what we’ve held on to mentally or emotionally, which no longer fits.  Spring cleaning indeed.

Clearing away old beliefs.  Just like our physical space, our minds are often cluttered with wornout beliefs and ideas.  In cognitive therapy, clients learn to monitor their negative beliefs and refute them.  If someone grew up being criticized, they may have the belief “I’m no good”.  As an adult however, they may have a successful career or be a caring parent, evidence that this belief is not true.  Changing automatic assumptions is empowering and liberating. 

Sow the seeds of intention: Step One.  Along with releasing negative thoughts, we must clarify what we want.  Why is this challenging?  First, our minds  chatter constantly over urgent but not important matters.  Like what we said that offended someone we hardly know or putting the laundry away.  Instead, we need to quiet our “monkey mind” through prayer, meditation and relaxation.   Stillness allows connection with our deeper selves.

Sow the seeds of intention: Step Two.  When our mind is still, we see more clearly how we want to live.  Then during our daily meditation/prayer, we can set our intentions for serenity, peaceful relationships, health, etc., allowing our intention and energy to flow in the direction we desire.  Creating the life we want one day at a time.

Beyond Self-Care: Hope for Postpartum Depression

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Wednesday Wisdom

Sometimes all a mom needs is hope. When buried under the despair of postpartum depression (PPD) or anxiety, it’s hard to imagine a light at the end of the tunnel. The doctor might tell you it’s there, but you don’t see it.

You need proof.

Since there’s no crystal ball to show you the happiness you’ll regain, you have
to get the proof another way. You have to talk to moms who have been there,
living examples of a full recovery from PPD. They exist. In fact, they are
everywhere.

I love connecting moms to others who have been down the same road.  Nearly one million women suffer from perinatal mood and anxiety disorders like PPD, and I want them to know they are not alone and that they will get better.   I’ve seen many times that all it takes is a few words from a mom who has been there to a mom with PPD, who’s feeling isolated and lost, to realize help is available and that she is worth it.

 To offer women with postpartum depression and anxiety  hope and support, I founded Postpartum Progress and Daily Hope, the nation’s first daily support service featuring emails to moms with postpartum depression and anxiety.  Both provide encouragement from survivors, the country’s top perinatal mental health specialists and others who care.  If you or someone you love has PPD, help is only a click away.

Today’s author is Katherine Stone, PPD survivor and spokesperson.

Cloth or Disposable…And Other Choices Moms Must Make

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Tuesday Tips

As soon as a woman announces that she has a positive pregnancy test, everyone has their advice and questions on choices she must make.  Will you have an epidural or not?  Will you use cloth or disposable? and the list goes on.  This myriad of opinions can feel overwhelming, confusing, and even irritating as a woman begins her journey towards motherhood.

Because women have been conditioned to nurture and please others, we agonize over choices, worrying we are going to hurt someone’s feelings by not doing it their way or that we will make a “wrong” decision and harm our children.   Society exerts considerable pressure to conform and attain a level of perfection in mothering that is impossible. 

But parenting is more of an art than a science.  Intuition is as important as what experts say.  Learning to be ourselves and accept our choices, whether they conform or differ from others, is an important part of the journey of becoming a mom.  The ability to transcend the opinions of others and make our own best choices enables us to become the mothers our children need instead of anxious, guilt-ridden mothers subject to the popular opinions of the media or others. 

Following our intuition means we must take time to know ourselves, to nourish ourselves and to trust ourselves; it means we must take time for self-care or the voices around us will drown our own.

Jamie Bodily is founder and director of ParentsCount which provides birth and postpartum doula services, childbirth education and counseling.

It’s Okay to Speak Up, Really (Part 3)

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Here are the final four steps in assertive communication.  Hopefully, these will  help with both speaking up and listening.

  1. Provide clarification.  If the receiver doesn’t understand what you’re saying, clarify it.  However,  just because you say things clearly, doesn’t mean that’s how they’ll be heard.  If problems persist, make certain that you’re communicating openly and non-defensively and suggest resuming the conversation later if you want.
  2. Create a new opportunity.  As long as we’re alive, we can have a follow-up or “recovery conversation” when we’re not satisfied with a prior outcome.  First, all parties must agree to this.  Next, remember that each person is responsible for approaching the “recovery” conversation in an open-minded, non-defensive way intending to listen and be heard.  With this goal,  everyone wins.
  3. Ending the conversation.  If the other person becomes attacking or abusive, it’s time to stop. If you want, you can offer to have a “recovery conversation” later.  Whatever the choice, it’s yours.  Being assertive doesn’t  mean tolerating abusive behavior or language.  It does mean standing up for yourself and setting limits.     
  4.  Be clear about your intentions.  Assertivenes requires admitting to yourself whether you’re genuinely interested in open and honest communication or proving you’re right and other self-serving motives.  If intentions aren’t aligned with what’s best for the relationship , you won’t succeed.  When aligned, there are limitless possibilities for positive results.

Next week we’ll be discussing the new 7-week self-care challenge starting March 21.  If you participated in our October 21-day self-care challenge, we’d appreciate your comments and ideas on how to improve your experience.

The “Meta”Chemistry of Love

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Wednesday Wisdom

Have you noticed lately there’s a lot of news about the chemistry of relationships? I love to think about the reaction between our bodies, brains, and feelings. I was talking to my teenage son about this and he said, “Isn’t that meta-chemistry?  How people react to each other?  Like metaphysics, only between people.” Yeah, like that.

New research shows that serotonin dips when you feel like you “can’t get enough” of a new love. Dopamine increases in love, which makes you feel just oh so good! Oxytocin, the “cuddle chemical,” not only helps us birth a baby, but it helps us bond and want monogamy, while testosterone makes us want sex. It’s easy to say that women are one way and men are the other, but intimacy doesn’t work well if we forget that men are emotional beings and women are sexual. Thank goodness that metachemistry helps us remember.

Real Mom Wendy

Chemistry is also at work when you’re anxious or angry, and your brain, heart, and adrenal system pump out a virtual fireworks display of chemicals. If you can remember that when it’s happening, you might not have to lash out, freak out, or run away. That’s easier when you’ve been taking care of yourself. 

 Just as stress builds up,  self-care and relationship-care add up too, both for the heart that beats in your body and the heart that holds your love.   Now, that’s metachemistry!

Today’s author is Wendy Davis, Postpartum Support International (PSI) Program Director.

Belated Valentine’s Wishes

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Totally forgot about V-Day until last week’s post was done. Since this month’s theme is healthy relationships, here’s what poet e.e.cummings says about love.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

But who is he referring to?  A lover, spouse, child, parent or cherished friend?  Those we hold most dear in our lives who remain with us in spirit wherever they are.  What is most important is that we are loving towards our loved ones even when we feel angry, frustrated, disappointed, or unhappy with something they’ve done.  This is what is meant by unconditional love. 

Wayne Dyer recounts how he and his wife decided after having the same fight over and over, “It is more important to be kind than be right”.  Let’s keep that in mind in all our relationships, carrying each other’s hearts gently with the utmost care.

The Sisterhood of Girlfriends

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Wednesday Wisdom

“Mom, you have friends?!”

It was my 5-year-old’s innocent response to me mentioning my girlfriends. Since having twins five years ago and then another son, I don’t get a chance to chat with, let alone see, my girlfriends as much as I would like. Yet, they still carry an important role in my life.

Girlfriends help each other carry their burdens, celebrate each others’ accomplishments and bring joy to each others’ lives. Girlfriends also have a keen sense of intuition. Despite miles of distance and months without communication, girlfriends are there when we need them most.

Take for example a dear friend who called me out of the blue as I was just beginning to miscarry my first pregnancy. Or another girlfriend who popped up on Google chat one day when I was having a terrible time coping with my son’s developmental delays. On two of the worst days of my life, these women
helped put everything into perspective.   I hope I’ve been there to do the same.

Mom Jessica

When the teeter-totter of life drops you square into a puddle of mud, it’s usually a girlfriend that climbs on the opposite seat and lifts you back up (then helps you shop for new pants). As women we naturally care for and nurture others, and through the sisterhood of girlfriends we give that nurturing back to ourselves.

Today’s author is Jessica Pupillo, freelance writer and editor of St. Louis Sprout & About (www.stlsprout.com).

It’s Okay to Speak Up, Really (Part 2)

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Last week, we posted the first three aspects of assertive communication: 1)speak openly, honestly and directly; 2)state thoughts and feelings without becoming defensive; and 3)be courteous and respectful.  Here are the next four steps.

  1.  Exercise timing.  Discuss important matters at a time which is good for all involved.  Discussions late at night when your partner’s tired or first thing in the morning before they’re fully awake, is not recommended.   Make certain you each have the attention and energy for a constructive conversation. 
  2. Make clear requests.  If there’s something you want, ask for it.  Don’t expect others to read your mind.  Relationship problems often occur when we don’t take responsibility for expressing our needs.  Real intimacy is being able to say what’s on your mind.
  3. Speak from your heart.  Make your intention to have a “confiding” conversation even if you feel angry or hurt.  Use “I” statements like “I felt angry when I thought you weren’t listening.”  Don’t blame or demean the other person.  This sets the tone for them to do the same.   Whatever they do, practice assertive communication.
  4. Provide clarification.  If the receiver doesn’t understand what’s said, offer clarification or restate it.  However, even when things are stated clearly, it doesn’t mean that’s how they’ll be heard.  Each of us filters what we hear through the lens with which we see the world.

While the goal of assertive communication is to better understand each other, its success is not gaurunteed.  Still, it is up to us to create the opportunity for this to occur by communicating assertively.

Healthy Relationships: A Must for Self-Care

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Wednesday Wisdom

Cultivating healthy relationships and eliminating harmful ones is essential to proper self-care.  Whether it’s with a spouse, child, parent, sibling, friend or co-worker, a healthy relationship is one that is characterized by RESPECT- for us and the other person.

This includes:

  1. Courtesy – Be polite. Follow through. Be on time. Avoid shouting, insults, nagging, and manipulation.
  2. Boundaries- It’s okay to set limits, to say “no,” and to expect respect. Honor the other’s personal limits as well.
  3. Personal safety- Violence is NEVER justified or okay. Everyone has a right to be safe from physical and/or emotional abuse.
  4. Honesty- Deception and lies hurt both parties.  The truth always comes to light. Trust is easy to keep but almost impossible to repair.
  5. Clear communication- Say what you mean. Don’t expect others to read your mind. If you are unsure about what someone means, ask questions.
  6. Realistic expectations- Consider the other person’s role and the limits of that role.  Don’t expect the same intimacy from co-workers as spouses.  Even if the other person doesn’t like what’s said, we are each responsible for our own happiness. 
  7. Flexibility and understanding- Plans change. People disappoint. Life is a moving target.  Learn to adapt and adjust.
  8. Grace- No one is perfect. Sometimes we have to forgive and overlook shortcomings.  Other times, we must ask for forgiveness.
Mommie Kate

 

Good relationships (including with ourselves) are treasures. They must be nurtured.  Make time for them. Cherish them. Enjoy them.

Today’s author is Mommie Kate.  Visit her at http://faith4moms.blogspot.com/.

It’s Okay to Speak Up to Your Children, Too!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Tuesday Tips

In my grandmother’s generation, “children were to be seen but not heard.”  Only parents/adults deserved respect.  Next, parents learned to “listen so their children/teens would talk,” but still expected respect from them.  Today, it seems that many children and teens openly disrespect their parents, and we allow it.

What’s happened?  When did we start worrying more about our children’s love and approval than teaching them to be considerate and thoughtful?  A few months ago one mom told me that she was so hurt by her three year-old yelling at her “I hate you,” she collapsed in a puddle on the floor.   Another mom related how her 10 year-old screamed at her for opening the room to her door without knocking so she apologized.  The problem is not that these situations occur, but that we don’t assert ourselves and use reasonable consequences because we’re afraid of how our children will respond. 

Like all moms, I know how hard it is to speak up and enforce limits.  But I learned that although I felt bad , it was more it was more important to teach my daughters  RESPECT than be their friend or fear their disapproval.  I treated them respectfully and expected the same.

When my younger daughter yelled at me, I warned her once and sent her to her room.  When my older daughter wouldn’t listen, we didn’t go to the mall that day.  While they didn’t like it then, now they value respect, consideration and courtesy in their relationships.  We joke about my younger daughter running from me saying, “No more consequences.”

SPEAK UP.  It works.