Diane’s video reminded me of one I first saw years ago, before TJ Thyne became famous for his role in Bones. It’s not what I expected, and that’s what’s so great about it. It’s a little over 15 minutes long, but I hope you take these moments for yourself and watch the whole thing. And then maybe pass it on… Namaste.
Tag: building new habits
Guest Blogger Sherry Duson, MA – “Speaking of Time”
Welcome to Self-Care Month! We’re proud to present our readers with our first Saturday guest blogger, Sherry Duson, MA. Sherry holds Professional Counselor and Marriage and Family Therapist licenses in Texas and she’s also a State of Texas board-certified clinical Supervisor for both licenses. She’s about to expand her practice to include The Center for Postpartum Family Health. You can read more about Sherry at SherryDuson.com or on Facebook.
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Do you ever find yourself running through your day at a pace that leaves you exhausted? Are you frantically trying to cram in more errands or mark one more item off of your to-do list, only to find it leaves you depleted and spent? For most women, our relationship with “time” is a complicated one. This leads me to an item of self-care which I believe is not discussed often enough, which is our conscious use of TIME. Perhaps it is a remnant of the deeply embedded American work ethic, but many of us corrupt the quality of our days by taking on more to do than is realistic, and then carry a mantra of negative self-talk about not getting enough done. This year might be a good time to re-think your relationship with time, and make the adjustments necessary to help you feel that you run your day instead of it running you.
I would challenge you to find a pace which is realistic for YOUR UNIQUE SELF, based on an honest assessment of your energy and stamina and a conscious decision to adjust accordingly. If you have no idea of how much is too much, you may need to start with a little self-discovery. Begin by taking inventory of your well-being throughout the day. Take a break every two hours and take a quick check of how you are feeling in that moment. Just give yourself a number on a scale of 1-10. Notice how it changes throughout the day. If you start your day at a high number and then it deteriorates throughout the day, ask yourself why. The answer is often some sort of self-judgment about your perceived lack of accomplishments.
Once you know a bit more about how you feel during your day, consider the tasks you lay out before you. Are you asking yourself to conduct your day with a sense of nurture and self-preservation? Or is guilt driving your choices, making you feel badly about every lack of accomplishment? One way to figure this out is to ask yourself what you would say to a good friend if you saw her going through her day at a frantic, maybe even damaging pace. If you really loved your friend, you might say something like, “Wow, you are really hard on yourself! Why don’t you slow down and relax? You don’t have to do it all today. I am concerned about you, and I don’t like seeing you so stressed out!” Now, consider being your own best friend. Cultivate that feeling of love and nurturing towards yourself. Chances are if you can do that, you will be more forgiving and less judgmental about what you do or don’t accomplish.
Finally, ask yourself how you would like to feel at the end of your day. Do you want to be able to have a little patience and reserve left over for your family and loved ones? If so, it may require altering your day, so that you can do just that. Connection with others requires some energy and patience. If you have run yourself ragged all day, chances are nothing will be left over for those you care most about. Make the adjustments necessary to be your “best” self with those who matter most to you.
In closing, I remind us all that an important feature of self-care is to take responsibility of those aspects of our daily lives that we have control over. Your schedule is probably one of those things Sometimes the reason we over-extend ourselves with commitments and appointments is because we are afraid to ask for help, or can’t admit we are doing too much. Once we set a realistic expectation for our day based on what we know of our personal energy capacity, we need to work to quiet any guilty feelings which accompany it, and tell ourselves that it is okay. Perfection is not the goal. Going through the day using a pace that works for us and those we love is a goal worth pursuing!
Intuition Helps Solve “Mid-Life” Crises
I am in the middle of the developmental stage when most Americans hit their “mid-life crisis.” This generally occurs between the ages of 35 – 45 (I am 42). And yes, there is something to the mid-life crisis. Obviously, it isn’t universal, but most people experience a big change or the urge to make a big change during these years. From buying the clichéd red Corvette to changing careers to marriages and divorces, big transformations are often afoot.
I am currently assisting several clients with break-ups of all sorts (marriages, engagements, relationships), total career changes, and a few that are focusing on their “bucket lists,” experiencing now what they said they would, “some day.” The last category is especially exciting to help with, as the client is generally joyous and looking forward to each day, planning travel, visiting family, etc. The break-ups are tough, but on some level, each person knows that what’s happening is for the best in the long run, even though it’s painful now. I can personally identify with the folks making career changes because I am, too!
Don’t worry – I am not going anywhere! I am actually transitioning from counseling to exclusively writing and designing websites. It’s strange to think of “retiring” from a profession at age 42, but the inner voice that Diane referred to on Monday has been directing me to do this for quite some time. I have been listening and stopped taking new clients months ago, but only lately have I started making some real changes, such as designing a website (caution: under construction!) for my new business, updating things on my LinkedIn profile and researching ways to market my services. I’ll admit that it’s a bit scary, but since these actions are aligned with my inner voice, I am confident that I am following the “right” path.
This has happened to me once before, back in 1999 when my daughter was born and I was working in computer science. I had gone through and recovered from postpartum panic disorder and anxiety and felt something tugging at me. After feeling frustrated for a while, knowing I needed a change but not knowing how or what, I had one of those “spiritual experiences” that people talk about here and there. All of a sudden, I had visions of my future flash before my eyes – going back to school, working with addicted persons and then sitting across from a new mother, counseling her as she went through a postpartum mood disorder. These visions lasted only a few seconds, but it felt like longer. Even though I had been shown the path, it took me a while to find the school (I got in by the skin of my teeth because someone turned down one of the 20 spots offered per year). I got a job immediately after school working with drug trials to help addicted people stop using. And in 2004, I opened the doors of my private practice, where I specialized in postpartum mood disorders.
Here it is 10 years later and my inner voice is telling me what my next move needs to be. My mid-life crisis may involve a big change, but I am confident that I am doing what is best for me. The good news for YOU is that you have an inner voice, too! You don’t have to meditate or chant to hear it, though those things work for some people. There are simple techniques you can use to “tune in” to your intuitive self and have major questions answered!
- Use the breath. Breathe in slowly and ask your question silently. Breathe out and listen for your answer. Make sure you are in a quiet, peaceful environment and are as relaxed as possible. You may have to repeat this several times, but the answer will come if you’re listening!
- Trust your “hunches” and “gut feelings.” If you have a vague, bad feeling about something, then that is your inner voice telling you that is not a good choice for you! Conversely, if you feel “right” about your decision, path or choice, then it is a good thing!
- Use a pen and paper or computer. Start writing about the situation you are in and then let go of controlling which words you write or type. Just write down whatever comes to mind. Journaling can take you from Point A to Point Z in a few minutes!
- Work in your sleep. Before going to bed at night, take a few minutes to think about your situation. Then tell yourself that you intend to work it out in your dreams. When you wake up, immediately write down anything that comes to mind.
- Do not listen to your ego-driven thoughts. These are the thoughts that cause confusion instead of clarity. Anything that is judgmental or starts with, “What if…” is definitely an ego-driven thought! Intuitive messages usually appear in your mind as images or you feel them in your gut or heart.
I hope that you’ll find one or more of these suggestions helpful! If you’re facing a “crisis” and have always wanted to try meditating, this would be a good time to start. For more information on meditation, visit http://www.how-to-meditate.org/.
Media-Driven Mental Health Stigma: How We Can Help Stop It
I was not feeling well recently and so I had time to catch up on my “guilty pleasure” reading. In the December 23, 2013 issue of Star Magazine, there was a long article called, “Olivia Newton-John: No Regrets.” I’ve liked Olivia since I saw Grease when I was a kid, so I took the time to read it.
The paragraphs under the heading “Tragic Turns” mentioned Ms. Newton-John’s divorce in 1995, adding that, “She later admitted to undergoing therapy after the divorce.” Further down the page, the article reported that her partner of 9 years post-divorce disappeared during a fishing trip and that, “Olivia has admitted to taking anti-depressants during the dark period that followed. ‘I took them until I could see the light again and never did them again,’ she said.”
Is it just me or do you get a certain message “between the lines” because of the language that was used? The World English Dictionary defines admit as, “To confess or acknowledge (a crime, mistake, etc).” Basically, that means to acknowledge something negative. And when someone says they “never did [a drug] again,” it generally alludes to a dangerous or illegal substance, right? In any case, it sounds very negative once again.
Unfortunately, this is not the only media outlet to use language like this. The January 13, 2014 issue of People Magazine featured a 3-page spread about “America’s Dumbest Criminals.” The first on the list was Hannah Sabata, a young woman who robbed a bank and stole a car, then proceeded to make a video about it and upload it to YouTube. On the surface, it does sound not-so-bright; however, further down the paragraph, it was stated that Sabata was mentally ill. She was quoted as saying, “…I was just manic…” This may mean that she suffers from Bipolar Disorder. In a manic state, people deal with impulsivity and dangerous behaviors. It’s not because they’re dumb; it’s because they are ill.
So what can we do when we come across things like this? I took the time to email letters to the editors of both magazines. I don’t know if they’ll be printed or not, but they probably will be read by someone. Perhaps that will create a ripple effect. I am also canceling my subscription to People (the Star magazine was given to me by someone else). I cannot in good conscience support a magazine that perpetuates the stigma.
If you’re tired of the media making self-care, self-help, therapy and psychiatry out to be shameful, then take a stand. When you come across something like the examples above, please take some time to write to the editor, contact the station manager or webmaster. If one single person hears you, then perhaps eventually the whole country will.
Blessings to you and yours!
Striving for Underachievement
In honor of my “sick day,” I am re-posting an oldie but goodie! Enjoy! – Stacey
Have you noticed that we live in an achievement-oriented society (at least those of us in the U.S.)? Many people feel like they are wasting time if they are not producing, attaining or completing something. It can get exhausting at times! Sometimes the only occasion we give ourselves a break is on vacation – and many times even those are meticulously planned out to the minute, leaving little real relaxation time.
When is the last time that you aspired to “underachieve?” I’m talking about taking a day off to do “nothing” like watching TV, movies, reading a book, staying in your pajamas, eating ice cream? Have a day to turn off your phone and computer, to not do any errands or chores, take a nap or go within? When is the last time you were able to take a whole day to “play it by ear?” I hope your answer involves some time recently, but if it doesn’t, why not try “underachievement” soon? When you give yourself permission to not do anything productive, there’s no reason to feel guilty. You may, however, feel a little pampered – and that’s generally a pretty good feeling!
Transforming Your Life One Day At A Time
It’s the New Year and the question on many of our minds is, “What will I choose to do with my life this year?” Some of us will resolve to lose weight, quit smoking, start exercising and improve our physical health. Others may resolve to be a better parent, spend more time with friends, or de-clutter our homes. For women who work outside their homes, the focus may be on improving our careers, getting a new job or finding more work-life balance. Whatever it is, most of us view the New Year as a fresh start in becoming a better version of ourselves.
Here at livingselfcare, our commitment is to help provide you with inspiration and information to help you lead the best life you can-body, mind, heart and soul. While Stacey and I draw upon our life experiences and resources we’ve found to write our posts, we’re always looking for ideas and recommendation about other blogs, websites, books and resources that offer information on women’s mind-body health and well-being. Just this past week my colleagues introduced me to two new website, workingwomen.com and healthywomen,org, both which I highly recommend. The more women I meet through the web, the more convinced I become that it is women who will reshape the world into a more humane and peaceful place which we desperately need.
What I’d like to say today is that while the New Year provides an opportunity for change, each day brings the chance to start anew. Here are some guidelines for mind-body health and well-being from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Resolve to follow these four agreements daily and your other goals are more likely to be achieved.
1. Always be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take things personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.
Transform your life one day at a time with commitment, effort and persistence. Yes, you can!
P. S. Please let us know what books, websites, blogs, and other resources inform and inspire you to share with our livingselfcare community.
Happy New Year and Other Musings
I’ve heard so many people say that they are glad 2013 is over. Since time is an illusion, logically, December 31 doesn’t really change much when January 1 arrives. We still experience a constant flow of present moments. However, many people use the new year as a chance to either “start over” or change something for the better. Resolutions are posted all over social media and discussed by the water cooler. For an interesting take on New Years Resolutions, read this article from Psychology Today.
This holiday season was challenging for my family and me, as there were many losses (pets, friends and a family member). I must admit that I am still in a bit of a funk – just not feeling “quite right.” I am an empath, meaning I tend to absorb feelings from people around me and even the general energy of the larger community. I am acutely aware of this, yet my not-rightness is still hanging around.
I could just be doom-and-gloom about it, but that doesn’t do me or anyone around me any good. Instead, I am trying to ground myself in the present moment as often as I can. I may generally feel “off,” but RIGHT NOW I am A-OK. I also know that “this too shall pass,” and am processing things as they come up in my journal or with my therapist. It’s hard not to feel impatient or wish that this would just go away. However, I know there are lessons to be learned in this situation, and if I don’t stay present, I may miss them. This didn’t change with the passing of 2013.
As this new year starts, I wish all of you a wonderful 2014 and encourage you to slow down, breathe, stay mindful and enjoy the small things in life that make you smile. If you’re having a hard time finding something to smile about, check out the links below. Laughter is truly great medicine and these funny sites can help you switch from yucky to joyful in a matter of minutes!
Namaste’.
- Dog Shaming: naughty pooches being held accountable!
- The cutest thing EVER (from cheezburger.com)
- Selfies at Serious Places
- Da*n You Auto Correct!
- Cats in Sinks (really!)
Slow Down! Going Faster is Tempting Disaster
I just read this article on Psychology Today and loved it! I thought you might love it, too! The original article can be found HERE.
The other week en route to New York, my plane landed at Chicago O’Hare at the very minute my connection to Newark began boarding. I was seated in the bulkhead row just behind first class, and as soon as the door opened and the first class folks filed out, I launched myself out of the plane and sprinted full speed up the gangway.
A few long strides in, I realized something was off. I stopped and turned and sure enough, the flight attendant standing at the door of the plane was holding the high heel from my right boot up in the air and waving it at me.
Without even noticing, I had sheared it right off when I leapt out of the plane.
Beyond dismayed, I hobbled back to grab my mangled heel, and must have made quite a spectacle as I ran across the terminal in a bizarre limping run, clutching the heel in my right hand the whole way. I got to the boarding area just as the last person had boarded, and I’m amazed they let me on—there were exposed nails sticking out of the heel and there was no way I would be parted from it (in case it could be repaired; these were my very favorite shoes). Thankfully the flight attendant was so busy laughing at me that she didn’t notice.
Was it really necessary to be in SUCH a rush? Probably not. If I’d just focused on calmly yet briskly making my plane, I’d probably still have made it. Some other latecomers boarded after me, and I’d still be wearing my beloved boots, which sadly were beyond repair.
I’ve had a few conversations lately with people about this epidemic of rushing, and here are some thoughts on why and how most of us need to slow down:
- You think you’ll get there faster but you’re tempting disaster: Whether you’re racing through your house to get out the door on time or weaving through traffic like you’re stunting a movie chase scene, you edge yourself perilously close to trouble far worse than being late. I’ve treated patients who fell down stairs and broke bones while rushing around, and if you think of times when you’ve hurt yourself, it was very possibly because you were moving too quickly and not paying attention.
The other day I was trying to get home quickly and decided to get around traffic by slipping through an alley. By the time I was halfway down it, I realized it wasn’t taking me where I needed to go. Annoyed, I decided to back up to get out. My rearview was clear but I missed seeing something just off to the left and scraped the side of my car as I backed up. I don’t even want to know how much it’s going to cost to fix the damage to my car, and it really would not have made a huge difference to my life to wait in traffic. It would have been a far lesser evil. Awful! Remind yourself to back off and calm down when you find yourself racing along the edge of safety (and even the law!). It really isn’t worth it.
- If you focus too much on your destination you’ll be blind to where you are: A friend recently told me about a disaster that occurred on a busy weekend packed with tons of commitments. She was thinking about all she had to get done and running from task to task, in that keyed-up state you might be familiar with. Rush, rush, rush. Coming out of a store and hurrying back to her car, she stepped out from between a row of cars in the parking lot. Bam – a passing car crashed into her leg. She was so lost in her thoughts and her rushing that she didn’t see it coming, and wasn’t present enough to catch the license plate as the driver took off. She’s still having pain and trouble walking weeks later.
If you notice you’re tuning out because you’re in “hurry” mode, slow down, catch your breath, and make sure you’re aware of your surroundings. Being present not only will you feel calmer and perform better under time pressure, but it will also keep you safe.
- You don’t want to miss the good stuff: A client that I’m coaching told me yesterday that an alarming number of people close to her are having bad things happen to them. A friend has cancer, another lost her husband, and another friend was in an accident. “Everyone seems to be falling apart around me,” she said. “It’s really woken me up, and I’m learning to slow down and be more aware of life. I need to stop racing around, and concentrate on what’s truly important.”
What could you be missing in your haste? Do you miss connecting with (or even making eye contact with) your kids or spouse in the morning as you hurry to get ready? When you’re racing to get to a destination, do you miss having a real conversation with whoever is in the car with you? When you go for your brisk morning run, are you taking time to notice [things around you]? What would be better about your life if you just slowed down? (And I haven’t even talked about the stress hormones that this constant rushing generates)
Whenever you find yourself getting worked up and starting to rush, start by reminding yourself to breathe, and back off your pace just a little. I find that repeating this to myself helps, too: “You have enough time. You’ll be just fine. Slow down, take your time.” When I calmed myself this way yesterday, I ended up being half an hour early for a speaking engagement when I’d worried much of the day that I’d end up being late.
The funny thing is that when you take your time, you seem to have more of it. Try this and watch what happens!
Dr. Susan Biali, M.D. is a medical doctor, media wellness expert, transformational life coach, professional speaker, flamenco dancer and the author of Live a Life You Love: 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You. She is available for keynote presentations, seminars, media commentary and private coaching – contact susan@susanbiali.com or visit www.susanbiali.com for more details.
Dealing with Loss During the Holidays
The subject of death has popped up once again this holiday season. My husband’s aunt is very ill and is not expected to make it much longer. His grandmother passed away a few years ago in December. My good friend’s mother passed away ON Christmas Day several years ago. It seems like LOTS of people in my orbit have lost loved ones during the holidays, and it tends to put a wet blanket on this time of good cheer.
I was so curious about what seems like a trend, I looked up some statistics. According to the Centers for Disease Control, the highest death rates in the US occur in the months of December, January and March. Common sense and a bit of research tells me that suicide rates are higher during the winter months and people do tend to come down with illnesses more frequently because we are all inside together to keep warm. Because of this, bacteria and viruses spread easily (which is why it is important to wash your hands frequently). And if someone is already ill with a disease such as cancer, opportunistic infections are more easily caught because that person is exposed to more people who may be sick (and not even know it yet).
Even if your lost loved one didn’t pass away during the holidays, the season can be tough because that person is simply no longer in your life. This is especially hard if you have lost a close family member or friend who would have normally celebrated the season with you. His or her absence can seem to fill the room.
It’s human to miss those we’ve lost. However, we don’t have to let our grief ruin the joy of the present. If you’re feeling down or depressed thinking about someone you’ve lost, try some of these techniques/coping tools:
- Vividly imagine a good moment with the person you’ve lost. Notice the sights, smells, temperature, and good feelings of that past moment. When you’re filled with those good feelings, bring your attention back to the present and bring those positive emotions with you. I’d guess that your loved one would want you to feel good this season!
- Honor the life of your lost loved one in some way. Make an ornament in his/her honor to hang on your tree. Write a card to that person, telling him/her what positive things they brought to your life and how you continue to value those things. Light a candle in celebration of him/her. Create a shrine to his/her life and write down the wonderful things about that person. Write a message to him/her, put it in a helium balloon and let it fly to the heavens.
- Connect with the person you have lost in meditation. You don’t have to believe in “spirits” to do this. Sit quietly and breathe for a while until you are focused on your breath and it is slow and deep. Picture your loved one’s face in detail. Picture your face near your loved one’s face. Tell him/her that you miss him. Tell her that you are grateful for having had her in your life. Then listen. Let your loved one tell you wonderful things about yourself. You’d be surprised how well this works!
- If you’re feeling depressed, go out amongst people. Isolating yourself will not help you feel better.
- If you are feeling suicidal, get help immediately! Go to the nearest emergency room if you have a real plan or contact a professional for help if you are not planning to do anything immediately or if you have suicidal thoughts with no plan.
Death is a natural part of life. Depending on your beliefs, the end of suffering for your loved one may bring you comfort. Or if the death was a result of a tragedy, perhaps remembering that your loved one is most likely in a peaceful place may help. The holidays call for a celebration of life – both for the living and the passed. May your holidays be peaceful and may you feel your lost loved ones smiling down on you, adding to your joy.
Healthy Living at the Holidays: The Gift of Attention
I got so busy this past week, I forgot that an interview I’d done weeks ago was coming out in a St.Louis magazine, Town and Style. Today when I opened my e-mail, I had a link to a post about “Killing Off Supermom,” and how women are still striving and killing themselves to “have and be it all.” Coincidence? I don’t think so.
Often, when my own attention becomes scattered that I’m not thinking about what I may need to consider, the universe sends me a message (usually multiple ones) to alert me that I’ve strayed. Yes, it happens to all of us even with a daily mediation practice. No woman is exempt. Ever.
This time it’s the holidays! While I haven’t been baking cookies or putting up decorations, I’m still the one who sends out cards, buys gifts, keeps the pantry stocked, makes plans, etc. Although I don’t “feel busy,” I realize I must be and that I’ve grown so accustomed to over-doing, I hardly notice. I’m not complaining, I’ve put myself here and I’m the only one who can get myself out.
Then, the universe reminds me again that the real present of life is our presence. To show up and pay attention to your life in this moment is a priceless gift to yourself and your loved ones. Thomas Moore, a psychologist and spiritual teacher said, “In the twenty-first century, attention will be the new aphrodisiac.”
This season, turn off your to-do list, your worries, your cell phone, your tablet and “be here now.” Each moment is precious. Your attention is the best gift of all.
Happy Holidays!
drdianesanford.com 