Tag: coping with stress

Want To Win A Box of Godiva Chocolates: Read This

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings, Press Release

To celebrate our almost first birthday which is October 9, we’re sponsoring a contest for our current and new subscribers. Because we want our October self-care contest/challenge to succeed, we’re asking that any subscriber get ten other friends, family, co-workers, etc. to join our blog, and we’ll enter you in a random weekly drawing for a box of Godiva chocolates for the month of September.

Winners will be chosen each Sunday and announced the following Monday. If you’ve never tasted Godiva chocolates, you’re in for a treat and if you have, you know how irresistable they are. For any new subscriber you recruit, have them leave your name in our comment box so you get credit.

We’re also asking you to give us your recommendations for favorite woman-or-mom-related blogs and websites, so we can include them in the October contest/self-care challenge. While we’ve discovered many sites we think are terrific and worthwhile, the web is too vast for anyone (except possibly a search engine expert) to know what’s out there. This will help ensure that we provide what you want. Likewise, as much as we enjoy social media, we can’t quit our day jobs for endless web surfing.

Now our self-care tip for the week. Focus on those experiences which strengthen rather than weaken you. I realized this again, when I was having a massage and started to freak out about an upcoming interview. Instead of scaring myself, I thought about situations I’d survived despite my fears and felt much calmer.

Sex Is Good for Our Brains-Who Knew???

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

According to a recent article by Dr. Oz, sex has some of the same stress-relieving benefits as exercise. In a recent animal study, they found that daily sexual experiences over two-weeks, reduced the release of cortisol, a major stress hormone, increased the brain’s ability to create and support new brain cells, and decreased anxietylike behavior.

Sound like good news? It would be except many women report losing their interest and desire for sex as they get older, and especially once they become moms. Likewise, negative messages they learned growing up may intensify their lack of libido.

For women, sexual desire derives from emotional as well as physical chemistry. Women want to feel an emotional connection with their partners, and when this is absent as often happens over time especially when raising a family, sexual interest diminishes. Midlife is a time when men and women often turn to affairs to  rekindle the spark they once felt with their original partner. However, once the honeymoon ends with the new partner, sexual desire may fade too.

The solution is that we must nourish our relationships with our current partners like we do our children, friends or anyone we love. Then emotional intimacy kindles desire and physical intimacy kindles an emotional connection. And the added benefit, sex is good for our brains. Who Knew???

I’m writing a new book about hormones, libido/desire and intimacy in women. If you have questions or would like to share your stories, please comment or e-mail realmomexperts@gmail.com.

When Self-Care is Not Enough; Ask for Help

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings, Press Release

It has taken many years to learn how to take care of me; always putting other’s first while I drained the energy out of myself. Learning self-care began while battling postpartum depression (PPD) and anxiety 21 years ago.

PPD was out of my control, but I could seek help from others.  This was very difficult for someone who had never done it before. I gave my family and friends specific direction on how they could help me; i.e. I need an hour to myself, time to go for a walk, sit and talk with me, etc. On many occasions, I asked family and friends to watch my daughter while I attended doctor visits and counseling sessions.

Doctor visits were necessary and counseling sessions were invaluable; I learned tips on relieving anxiety and that my needs were important. I attended support groups for women with PPD.  I limited my conversations to those that were good listeners and supportive.  I stayed away from anxiety provoking situations.

I have learned that while self-care is important, sometimes you may need an extension of self-care. That’s when professional healthcare, professional counseling and support from others can help you to heal.

Linda Meyer is the Executive Director of Mother to Mother in St. Louis, MO.  Mother to Mother provides free telephone support, group support and resources to women experiencing emotional difficulties during pregnancy and postpartum. www.mothertomothersupport.org

Mother to Mother will be participating in the St. Louis Walk for Mental Health on Saturday, August 20 www.thewalk.org

Let’s Get REAL About Motherhood and Life

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Since we’ve been discussing the thoughts which bind us,  let’s review several myths about motherhood/life.  If you’re not a mom, substitute the word “women” and whatever situation pertains.

1. Myth: Good mothers never make mistakes. They always know the right thing to do. Reality: All mothers make mistakes. The trick is to learn from them and not wound yourself with guilt.

2. Myth: Motherhood is always bliss. Reality: Motherhood is likely to be the most challenging and rewarding experience you will ever know. Each woman will experience it in her unique way.

3. Myth: Motherhood is easy. You automatically know what to do. Reality: Being a “good enough” mom is hard work. It is a journey not a destination.

4. Myth: Good mothers sacrifice everything. Reality: No woman is a bottomless pitcher. You must replenish your resources regularly or your health will be compromised.

5. Myth: Motherhood is instinctual. Reality: Motherhood is a learning process. It is in the “doing” that you become a mother.

Sound daunting? Here’s one thought-changing strategy. Take any belief and ask yourself what’s the evidence that this is true? My personal favorite is #4. Take #4 and observe how you feel when you sacrifice everything? Martyrdom is rarely pretty and lessens the qualities, like patience and kindness, which make you a good mom/person. Then substitute the reality-based statement above which the evidence is likely to support.

Preview Chapter 6 of Life Will Never Be the Same for more ideas. The more you release judgemental thoughts, the better you’ll feel. For inspiration, click here.

Stop “Living in the Wreckage of the Future”

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Continuing our conversation about how to free ourselves from the unhealthy  thinking habits we’ve cultivated for years, today’s post is about how to stop “living in the wreckage of the future.”  This is a phrase one of my clients taught me from AA which is intended to help folks in recovery not “catastrophize” about what tomorrow will bring and live “one day at a time.”  In truth, none of us knows what’s ahead but we like to believe we do to experience a sense of control and predictability about life.

Mark Twain said, “Most of my life’s worst experiences never actually happened.”  This quote is about how many of our worst expectations and fears don’t materialize although we think about them so much that we frighten and worry ourselves as if they had.  Recall the last time you were convinced something bad would happen and it didn’t.  How did you feel?  Was there a sense of relief or not?  Often we’ve built up so much anticipatory anxiety, it still takes days to calm down.

A new day

Since August is often stressful as kids return to school and we leave summer behind, opportunity for “living in the wreckage of the future” looms large.  So, tell your “catastrophizing self” I appreciate your concern but what I really need  is for you to shut up.  While this isn’t easy, with practice it improves and we can rest in the awareness that the present moment is usually okay.

Even More Benefits of Self-Care

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Self-Care Makes Us a Better Role Model:  By
modeling self-care, we are setting a good example for our children.  Watching us take time to care for our own health and well-being, encourages them to do the same and helps them learn to practice self-care when they are young.
Our daughters in particular learn that it is important to care for themselves as well as they do others instead of sacrificing their health and well-being to
solely meeting others’ needs.  It teaches both our sons and daughters self-respect and to be respectful of everyone because we expect them to value us as we do ourselves.

In Life Will Never Be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide we say, “A pitcher of water provides a clear demonstration of what we mean. Imagine that you are a pitcher of water.  You keep pouring out, giving and giving as you take care of the needs of those around you: baby, children, partner, family, friends and pets. If you do not take action to fill the pitcher up again, pretty soon it will be empty.  No one is a bottomless pitcher. What do you need in order to fill up the pitcher again?”

What are you doing this summer for self-care?  If you’re aren’t, get started. Rabbi Hillel said, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me.  If I am only for myself, what am I?  If not now, when?”  Need help?  Comment and we’ll respond.

Redefining “vacation” (when you have kids)

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

I’m on “vacation” right now. I put the word in quotes because, well, it doesn’t exactly feel like vacation.

Sure, we’re staying in a family friend’s lovely condo (for free!) in North Carolina,  steps from a gorgeous pool and a 30-minute drive to the beach.  How lucky are we?

But with a 5-year-old daughter and 2-year-old son along, this week has been a lot more work than relaxation. Starting with the two-day road trip to get here, during which my son cried and coughed most of the way. Oh, and hotels? Two-year-olds don’t seem to “get” the concept, period. I got maybe
two hours of sleep that night.

In between naps, stopping to pee, retrieving endless snacks and drinks (kids don’t seem to get the concept of “meals,” either), beach trauma, pool trauma, carseat discomfort – you name it – we’re happy to get even an hour a day of true R&R during our vacation.

But, the kids are having fun.  My daughter invented the sport of “wave jumping” in the ocean (with help from Mom or Dad) and is quite proud of herself. My son has decided swimming is the best thing ever, even if he has no fear of drowning or clue about how to actually stay afloat.

From packing and traveling to settling in and returning home, I can’t help but wonder: Is going on vacation really worth it? And when do I get a vacation to recover from this one?

Today’s author is Susan Wenner-Jackson of WMAG.

The Benefits of Self-Care

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings, Press Release

When we take good care of ourselves, there are multiple benefits to us as well as others.  While self-care may seem self-indulgent, it’s not.  Just as we’re instructed to put our oxygen mask on first if there’s an emergency on an airplane so we can help others, self-care enables us to help ourselves and others more.

Self-Care Improves Our Health:  Self-care tends to improve our
immunity, increase positive thinking and make us less susceptible to stress,
depression, anxiety and other emotional health issues.  Taking time out to care for ourselves helps remind us and others that our needs are important, too.  Feeling well cared-for leads to feelings of calm and relaxation, and conveys to others that we value ourselves which contributes to long-term feelings of wellbeing.

Self-Care Makes Us a Better Caretaker:  People who neglect their own needs and forget to nurture themselves are at danger of deeper levels of unhappiness, low self-esteem and feelings of resentment. Also, sometimes people who spend their time only taking care of others can be at risk for getting burned out on all the giving, which makes it more difficult to care for others or themselves. Taking time regularly for self-care can  actually make you a better caretaker for others.

What are you doing for self-care this summer?  Have family/social demands eaten into me-time?  Do you feel like you need a vacation from your vacation as Susan writes about Thursday?  Let us help.  Send us a comment or preview “Obstacles to Self-Care” at  www.realmomexperts.com.

Noticing Your Gains When Things Don’t Work Out

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Since it’s summertime, we thought we’d lighten the mood. What follows looks at what can be gained when things don’t work out.

While on vacation in May, I tried to whiten my teeth. The first time I attached the plastic whitening strip to my lower teeth, it fell off. After several attempts, I gave up and decided it wasn’t my thing. Then this Saturday, I tried again and succeeded immediately. Although this example may seem trivial. life is filled with large and small tasks which if we give up the first time we fail, we’ll never learn what we can accomplish.

Last week one of my clients described the trouble she’d had with several tile contractors. She openly acknowledges her perfectionism and has been working on learning to let things go so she can feel better. Honestly, she’d done fine until the second tile guy lost it because she asked him to replace a cracked tile and to reset another which wasn’t level with the rest.  He’d advertised himself as “no drama, no trauma.” LOL.

What did she learn? First, to trust her gut. She’d thought about terminating him the week before but was trying to adjust her expectations instead.  Sometimes the other person really is the problem.  Second, although things went poorly it wasn’t a disaster and she didn’t torture herself by dwelling on it.

So, the next time things don’t work out, look for something to be gained. Then, shift into self-care mode, breathe deeply and smile 🙂

No One Feels Good All the Time

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Even when you practice self-care daily, you won’t always feel good especially if you’re going through a major life change.  Times in women’s lives when significant physical, mental, emotional and situational changes collide include becoming a mom, adolescence, leaving home, getting married, getting divorced, losing a parent, perimenopause and menopause.

Here are the range of postpartum emotions women report, “I am so irritable. I am full of awe. I cry all the time. I can’t sleep. I am so in love. I can’t get going. I can’t think straight. I feel so worried. I am so bored. I can’t feel anything. I have scary thoughts. I am ecstatic. I grieve for my old life. I feel like a failure. I feel so alone. I feel so nervous. I feel I’ve made a huge mistake.”

Doesn’t this sound like how you feel when experiencing a life-changing event whether motherhood-related or not? Last week we wrote about letting go of our “Motherhood is Bliss” myth. Likewise when you go through a major life change, it’s impossible to feel good all the time. Because we are spiritual beings having a human existence, we are going to experience emotional ups and downs in response to what’s happening.

So next time you’re feeling bad when a major life shift occurs, take a deep breath and remind yourself it’s normal. Just another part of life.

However, if bad feelings persist, call your health provider to rule out a significant physical  or emotional health condition, e.g.diabetes, depression.