Tag: parenting

The Healing Power of Connection

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in April Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

This morning I learned that Stacey’s mom was having some health issues. Last week it was my mom. When she asked if I’d fill in for her, I immediately said “Yes! You go take care of your mom.” Once again reminded of the fragility of life and how all we have is now.

Then while traveling today, I sat next to a 72 year-old man on the airplane who described to me his health challenges and triumphs. Despite his current diagnosis of prostate cancer, he was in good spirits and good health. He spoke about how he couldn’t have survived without the support of his wife and family. A testimony to the power of connection and feeling loved.

Although medicine has made many technical advancements, there is much research which demonstrates the healing power of connection through prayer, acts of kindness, friendship and social support. For women, the effects may be particularly strong.    

In meditation, there is a practice called “lovingkindness” which is a way of extending unconditional love and acceptance to others. It goes like this:

   “May you be at peace. May your heart remain open. May you know the beauty of your own true nature. May you be healed. May you be a source of healing to others.”

Let’s keep each other in our hearts and prayers for the next few days and maybe longer. Please join with me to send an extra dose of lovingkindness to Stacey and her mom.

When the Best Thing to Do is No-thing

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in April Tips, Monday Musings

Like learning it’s “okay to slow down” which I discussed last week, another ongoing life lesson for me is “doing no-thing”. Last week was busier than usual with family and work, and by Friday I was so hyped up, I’d decided to jump into my to-do list by 7:30 am. When my children were young this was routine, but now “I have options.” LOL.

Anyway, I had contacted my new web designer and set up an “urgent” meeting for that day, rearranged my weekend schedule and started to review my e-mail. All the time congratulating myself on what I would accomplish. Then, I noticed “IT”-a growing sense of tension and dis-ease, radiating from my gut and spreading through my body. My stomach is my stress center which is why I sometimes find myself unconsciously in the pantry reaching for carb-rich snacks.

Instead of ignoring what I was feeling, I stopped and listened. While it wasn’t easy, it was worthwhile. My frenzied attitude issued from a sense of urgency which didn’t exist-except in my head. No fatal or life-threatening consequences would befall me if I just let the day unfold which days tend to do quite well without effort . So, I did and almost immediately, started to feel better. By doing no-thing, I was giving my mind and body what it needed. Some rest.

I remembered how I first met Kay, my wonderful web designer, who agreed to meet with me Friday and then gladly cancelled, saying I probably did need to take a break. I was in the motor vehicle office waiting to renew my driver’s license. For months, I’d been looking for a web designer without success when I heard two women behind me talking about one of them launching a new design business. I turned around, apologized for eavesdropping, and gladly took Kay’s card. By doing no-thing, I found what I was looking for.

How will you practice doing no-thing this week? When you notice stress, stop and see what happens. Comment on “your discoveries” below.

It’s Okay to Slow Down

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in April Tips, Monday Musings

That’s what my Dove chocolate wrapper said. “It’s okay to slow down.” That’s what my husband said after I dumped soil all over our porch instead of in the pot. “The plants aren’t in a hurry. They’ve got plenty of time to grow.”

“Okay I said,” not to my husband but to the universe, God or whatever you consider to be your higher power. I get the message.  Take a breath. Smell the flowers. Enjoy the beautiful spring day. What could be more important? Honestly, nothing but sometimes I am totally convinced, perhaps you are too, that getting things done is more important than savoring my life. As Wayne Dyer says, “We are human beings not human doings.”

So, for the past 24 hours I’ve been making a “conscious” effort to slow down. When my friend phoned Sunday morning and said she was “too pooped” to meet for coffee, I fixed myself a cup of tea and watched the bunnies playing outside my kitchen window. Then I showered with the new shampoo and soap I’d bought (because I like the smell), gave myself a mini-facial, and sat on my front porch admiring our beautiful crabapple tree with its amazing pink blooms. When I look at those blossoms, I remember that nature doesn’t strive or strain but just unfolds moment by moment.

I wish I could be more like our tree-standing still, soaking in the sun’s rays, content with just being. Not needing to answer e-mail, voicemail or my next text message. Not feeling compelled to check off another item on my to-do list. Letting life unfold through me-peacefully, gracefully, deliciously. Living and loving the moment I’m in.

This week take time to “slow down.” Spend 15 minutes each day focusing your attention on what you’re doing instead of rushing to get done. If you’re eating, pay attention to the texture, smell and taste of your food. If you’re outdoors, notice the colors, how the air/sun feels on your body and the sounds . Immerse yourself in the experience of NOW. Share a pix of your “NOW” moment below or on our facebook page.

Listen to Your “Inner Wizard”: Quiet Your “Inner Lizard”

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Monday Musings

When we left last Monday, my “inner lizard” was screaming warnings of fear and dread, as only she can, about not attending a sweat lodge ritual (temazcal) with a Mayan shaman while on vacation. “Danger. Danger. Danger,” she shouted. “What if you have to leave and humiliate yourself. Worse yet, what if you pass out? Worse yet, what if you have a heart attack out in the middle of the jungle and never leave alive.” You get the picture.

However, I decided not to let Caty Catastrophe (as I fondly call her) deter me.  Instead, I told her that the danger was unproven, to have a snack, take a nap,  and I’d (my observing “wizard” self) look out for the two of us. Fortunately, with years of meditation and now mindfulness, she obliged and I left with 7 other brave companions to see what lie ahead.

As we entered the sweat lodge, I wondered if Caty might be right. Unbeknownst to me, we would be there for 45 minutes with the heat increasing four levels. While the shaman (surname Debbie) spoke calmly about the Mayan creation myth, I doused myself with the bowl of water being passed around, certain I wouldn’t make it to level 3.

Then the magic happened. I noticed myself settling down and listening attentively to what Debbie was said. I was still sweating profusely but it didn’t feel unbearable. At the start, she’d mentioned that if we got uncomfortable it would be cooler to sit or lie on the thatched mats which covered the floor. At level 3, I sat down and was chanting vigorously. By level four, I was lieing down in corpse position, a yoga pose, and actually felt cool.

Next we left the lodge to enter a ritual spring. It was invigorating and soothing. I felt triumphant. Free of my fears and worries. Discovering once again, that trusting my “inner wizard” (wiser/higher self) is definitely the way to go!

What are your “lizard” fears stopping you from? How can you take one small step this week to let your “wizard” self guide you instead?

Calm Your “Inner Lizard”: Meet Your “Inner Wizard”

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Monday Musings

Since returning from vacation a week ago, my brain is not fully engaged but I wanted to share an experience I had which helped connect me with who I am behind my social roles (mom, wife, daughter, career woman), worries, and fears. Before I left, I was re-listening to Martha Beck’s Steering By Starlight in which she discusses how much we’re controlled by our “lizard”/emotional brain, which broadcasts fears of warning and dread constantly. She even suggests you name your “inner lizard” although I haven’t come up with a fitting enough choice yet.

Anyway, I’ve always wanted to visit a shaman and participate in a sweat lodge where you literally sweat out physical and mental stress but never had the opportunity. While on vacation, one of the excursions went to do just that. How lucky can one gal get?

Instead of excitement though, my “lizard”started sounding the alarm. “Danger. Danger. Danger. Don’t go. You won’t last and then you’ll humiliate yourself when you have to leave. Worst than that, you could pass out. Even worse, you could have a heart attack in a remote part of the jungle and not leave alive.” You get the picture.

However, I’ve been practicing meditation for the last five years, and mindfulness more recently, and my “wizard”/observing self was able to recognize that my fearful thoughts were unfounded or at least unproven. So, I decided to go to the sweat lodge with the shaman and discover for myself what would happen. Tune in next Monday to find out what I learned.

This week, be mindful of when your “inner lizard” is running the show and as Beck describes your “Top 10 Tunes” of fear and worry. Write them down on a piece of paper and notice when they occur. Then name your lizard so you can learn to tame it. Let us know what you come up with.

Spring (Give Me a) Break!

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in March Tips, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

Hey, parents! What time is it? SPRING BREAK TIME! “What gave it away?” you ask. Yes, the students are bouncing off of the walls, but that’s not it. What alerts me are the bleary-eyed looks I get from parents when I mention the one-week school vacation.

Spring Break was designed to give students and teachers a rest from the rigors of the second half of the school year. Families sometimes take advantage of this time to go on trips and spend time together. But do we really do what we want to over the Break or are we too focused on doing what others are doing?

“Maria’s family is going to Disneyland,” my daughter reported one year after I told her we had no plans for Spring Break. I felt a twinge of guilt (synonym for mother) and inferiority when I thought about what Maria’s parents had planned for their family trip. In fact, most of my daughter’s friends were going out of town for at least part of the week. We were staying home, much to my kiddo’s chagrin.

When the week was over, Maria’s mom came by. I noticed the bags under her eyes and her eyelids at half-mast as she described their “incredibly fun” trip. “So, you’d recommend that we go some time?” I asked as she got up to leave. She stopped, turned to look directly at me and said, “I’d recommend that you do what you want to do. ‘Cuz doing what everybody else wants to do sucks.”

http://www.pearlandtherapy.com

I couldn’t have said it better myself! This Spring Break, ask yourself what it is that YOU want and need. Maybe it is a trip to Disneyland, but chances are, you and your family need a little rest and relaxation. And no matter how fun an amusement park is, it promotes anything but rest. The idea is to return to school and work feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, so give yourself a Break and make it happen!

Things My Daughter Taught Me

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

Since yesterday was my daughter’s 20th birthday, I decided to dedicate this post to her.  There is a Buddhist saying that often our “best teachers” are the ones who challenge us most. I have learned many lessons from my “wise, spirited, sensitive and sometimes emotionally intense” daughter in our 20 years together.

Here are a few:

1. When someone is upset, talking doesn’t always make it better. Often, it’s better to step away from the situation and have time to cool off than trying doggedly to fix it. Silence can be golden.

2. Children/people don’t have to be rescued from their feelings, even when they’re angry, upset and expressing feelings which can be distressing to those around them. Letting them learn to manage their emotions in a safe, supportive environment helps them mature.

3. Don’t take things personally. Most of the time when someone is upset it has nothing to do with us but is the result of something going on inside of them. Reacting defensively/taking offense to what’s happening, usually makes things worst.

4. Keep practicing self-care. Relationships require care and attention. When we’re physically, mentally and emotionally depleted, small issues loom large and we are more likely to take offense, become easily irritated and angered, and respond poorly to our children and others.

5. Dress better. Rachel’s a fashionista and her influence on my wardrobe, hairstyle, makeup, etc. has helped me stay young.

Rachel and me

What life lessons have you learned from your children and others? Take 2 minutes to close your eyes and picture yourself before and after they entered your life. Write down 3 positive qualities you have now that you didn’t have before. Notice this week how they help you to grow.

“I’m a Good Mom”- Count Your Strengths

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings

My friend Diane Sanford, PhD, co-wrote an incredible book with Ann Dunnewold, PhD, for new mothers, called Life Will Never Be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide. She mailed me a copy, and since I received it a few months ago, I occasionally turn to it when I’m having one of those “I’m a terrible mother” days. You know those days? I hope you don’t, but I think they’re an inherent part of this motherhood gig, unfortunately.

This book is one I wish I could loan to all of my pregnant postpartum friends–but I can’t bear to part with it. So I’ll recommend it instead. Especially this exercise in the book, called “Two Minutes for Yourself”:

Two Minutes for Yourself

Take out a sheet of paper. Fold it in half length-wise. On one side, write your strengths. The flip it over and write, “The mom I want to be” on the other side at the top. List the ten qualities that you think make a good mom. Your list may include virtues such as patience, drive, and organization, or more diverse elements such as joyfulness or an affectionate nature. Now take a deep breath and view the lists. Which qualities do you intrinsically posess? Many of these attributes may already be on your strengths list. Circle the matching ones on both lists. Recopy these (or the top five, if you have more than five) onto a three-by-five note card with the heading “Qualities I have which make me a good mom.” Tear up the other list and throw it away. Rather than fretting about what personal aspects of a stereotypic good mom you lack, focus on the strengths you bring to this new relationship. There are as many ways to be a good mother as there are opinions about getting a baby to sleep through the night. Put the card in your purse or wallet and review it regularly to build your confidence in this new role.

Doesn’t that sound like a lovely way to spend a few minutes? When I did this exercise myself, I was surprised to see that many of the qualities I listed as possessed by a good mom are ones I had also listed as my strengths. I think you will be similarly surprised.

Today’s author is Jaime of  jamesandjax.com a wonderful blog for new and veteran moms.

Don’t Let Conflict (Or Fear) Destroy Your Relationships

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

February is the month that is the most closely associated with romantic relationships. But what about other relationships? We have many of them: kids, parents, siblings, in-laws, friends. Sometimes it’s easy to avoid or ignore a relationship and let it die. At times, it’s essential to cut ties with people who are unhealthy for you. But what about the people we love, but won’t interact with?

Relationships die for many reasons. Conflict is a big factor in this. I have a friend who moved away several years ago. She didn’t move that far; her home is just a few hours away (can you tell I live in Texas yet?). But I don’t know what’s going on in her life anymore and she doesn’t know about mine.

This is a woman I have known for 15 years. We used to talk about everything and help each other out whenever needed. What happened to us? We had a big argument right after she moved. Neither one of us would budge. Now I feel sad every time I think of her.

I’m afraid to call her. “What if she hates me?” I always think. Most likely this is a distorted thought. I know that if she called me, I would be glad to hear from her. So, I am going to make that call today.

I urge you to reconnect with anyone that is special to you who you have avoided due to conflict. It can be scary to face but most of the time, anger dissolves into relief once you take the steps to reach out.

Love ThySelf-To Thine Own Self Be True

Posted on by Dr. Diane Sanford in Monday Musings, Thursday "Words of Wisdom"

There are bucket lists, rainy day lists, pros and cons lists, but what about a DO list? Do you have a list of things you actively want to do for yourself but just “can’t find the time?”  Valentine’s Day is a perfect time to put that plan into practice.

While most people associate Valentine’s Day with lovers, and couples, kids and families, the perception that we can love ourselves gets a raised eyebrow. I’m not talking about THAT kind of love. I’m hinting about love of self and pampering ourselves for a change.

We already know that women don’t take the time or feel that they can’t.

Here are some easy and quick ways to be loving yourself this holiday.

  1. Get a massage or spa treatment of your choice. You deserve it!
  2. Splurge on a nice “something-something” for yourself you’ve had an eye on.
  3. Get yourself some flowers – and they’ll be the perfect choice!
  4. Like to journal? Start a fresh journal for the year and write about the ways you can practice self-care!
  5. Do you find that you’re very self-critical? Give yourself a break, at least for today.

The heart can be a mysterious place but it doesn’t have to be. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Today’s guest author is Mollee Bauer, founder of pregnancy.org, the premiere website for info and support for pregnant and new moms.